XenoCorp (XC) Pictures Ltd
in association with
The Taldren Forums
presents

XenoCorp and The Holy Grail of Play Balance


XenøCørpti ik den Hølie Gräilen

Written by:
762, Frey, Hawkeye, and Hstaphath
Røten nik Akten Di

With:
Frey Petermeier, Blade, GC, Dieter Lundquist, Kehakoul,
K'tuj Hegh, Malystryx, Harry P. Nez, Two Dogs, Locutus,
Da Bomb, Hobbesmaster, RogueJedi, Intrepid, Ward,
MissWall, Data, theSea, Kieran Forester, SuperDadof5,
BigEd, Krusaderr, 4EverGreen, Mr. Worth, Grimbeard,
CIA_Ops, Scratch_Monkey, Kodiak Raven, Median Raphe',
Lando Calrissian, Hawkeye Stoneyface, Randir, Stumbleweed,
GodsWrath, AlienLXIX, 762, Ferretlxix, Drone8888,
XxMoogxX, Hstaphath, Nicke, Hippie, OrneryRooster,
Negatizer, Jhaelen al-Irse, Larin, UltraProphet, S'Tasik,
OnReye, IM'HOTEP, Reffet, 5of12, Will of the Knight,
and Ggruuk

Wik

Also appearing:
Overon, Scrote, Frodo, Moofighters, Sethan, Hunin Raven, the XC Battle Cow, Sniper, SFCShadow, Jinxx, Bethke, and a very overworked David Ferrell

Alsø wik

Also also appearing:
The Knights of Foo
ISC Space Frogs
The Virginal Girls of Starbase Anthrax
Rules Lawyer #1 and #2
The Old Man
Cheater #1 and #2
Keeper of the Bird of Bethke

Alsø alsø wik

Wi nøt trei a høliday in Ustabëkzinti space this yër ?
See the løveli drøne wäves
The wøndërful subspace cømmunicätions systëm
And mäni interesting furry animäls that wänt to kill yøu

With special extra thanks to:
Taldren for having the guts to make Starfleet Command in the first place and Monty Python for reasons obvious.

The Characters and incidents portrayed and the names used are fictitious and any similarity to the names, characters, or history of any person is entirely accidental and unintentional. And I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Bastet.
Signed: BILL CLINTON

Including the majestik miräk

A miräk once bit my sister...
No realli! She was Karving her initials øn the miräk with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge - her brother-in-law -an Orion dentist and star of many Lyrän møvies: "The Høt Hands of an Orion Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Mølars of K'tuj Hegh"...

We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.

Mynd you, miräk bites Kan be pretty nasti...

We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked, have been sacked.

Miräk Trained by: YUTTE HERMSGERVØRDENBRØTBØRDA
Special Miräk Effects: OLAF PROT
Miräk Can Opener perfected by: K'COWHEGH K'DOGHEGH AND K'CATHEGH
Miräk Costumes: SIGGI CHURCHILL
Miräk choreographed by: HORST PROT III
Miss Taylor's Miräks by: HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME
Miräk trained to Plasma Ballet and use the Gorn Anchor by: JURGEN WIGG
Miräk's teeth sharpened by: BJØRN IRKESTØM-SLATER WALKER
Large miräk on the left hand side of the screen in the third scene from the end, given a thorough grounding in Latin, Romulan and "O" Level Geography by: BO BENN
Suggestive poses for the miräk suggested by: VIC ROTTER
Fur-care by: LIV THATCHER

The directors of the firm hired to continue the credits after the other people had been sacked, wish it to be known that they have just been sacked.

The credits have been completed in an entirely different style at great expense and at the last minute.

Executive Producer:
Admiral "RALPH" The Wonder Ferret

Producer:
Commodore Spank My Ferret

Assisted By:
SR. CAPTAIN EARL J. FERRET
CAPTAIN MILT Q. FERRET III
LT. SY FERRET
LT. MERLE Z. FERRET IX

Directed By:
40 SPECIALLY TRAINED
ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN FERRETS
6 VENEZUELAN RED FERRETS
142 MEXICAN WHOOPING FERRETS
14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE FERRET)
REG FERRET OF BRIXTON

76000 BATTERY FERRETS
FROM "FERRET-FRESH" FARMS LTD. IN HAWAII
 
Scene 1: A Romulan Carrying a Photon?

[impulse engines]
[Warp noises]
Frey: Whoa there!
[coming out of warp]
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #1: Halt! Who goes there?
Frey: It is I, Admiral Frey, from the Starbase of XenoCorp. Captain of the Odin, defeater of the Romulans, Admiral of all XenoCorp!
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #1: And the other one?
Frey: And this is my trusty servant Ward.

We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of Captains who will join me in my league XenoCorp. I must speak with your lord and master.
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #1: What, ridden on a Starship?
Frey: Yes!
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #1: You're using photon casings!
Frey: What?
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #1: You've got two empty halves of photon and you're bangin' 'em together.
Frey: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Romulus, through--
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #1: Where'd you get the photons?
Frey: We found them.
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #1: Found them? In Romulan space? The photon's Federation!
Frey: What do you mean?
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #1: Well, this is an ECM zone.
Frey: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land.
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #1: Are you suggesting photons are magical, that they migrate?
Frey: Not at all, they could be carried.
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #1: What -- a Romulan carrying a photon?
Frey: It could grip it by the casing!
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #1: It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple question of To-hit Ratios! A shift of any kind cannot affect Balance.
Frey: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Admiral Frey from XenoCorp is here.
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #1: Listen, in order to maintain a positive shift, a captain needs to maintain ECCM, right?
Frey: Please!
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #1: Am I right?
Frey: I'm not interested!
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #2: It could be an overloaded photon!
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #1: Oh, yeah, an overloaded photon maybe, but not a regular photon, that's my point.
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
Frey: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my Premier Gaming League?!
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #1: But then of course overloaded photons aren't used far out anyway.
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #2: Oh, yeah...
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #1: So they couldn't be used at a distance anyway...
[Frey warps out of system laughing dementedly]
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #2: Wait a minute -- supposing two photons are shot in a narrow salvo?
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #1: No, they'd have to have their opponent tractored for sure.
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #2: Well, simple! They'd just use an even greater ECCM setting!
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #1: What, held under any penalty?
Cheater/Rules Lawyer #2: Well, why not?

Scene 2: Bring Out Your Wrecks!

[thud]
[clang]
Intrepid: [Driving a salvage ship, with several wrecks in tow] Bring out your wrecks!
[clang]
Intrepid: Bring out your wrecks!
[clang]

Bring out your wrecks!
[clang]
Bring out your wrecks!
Ferret: [Towing a crippled Z-DWD] Here's one!

Intrepid: Ninepence!
K'tujHegh: I'm not wrecked!
Intrepid: What?
Ferret: Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
K'tujHegh: I'm not wrecked!
Intrepid: What?
Ferret: Nothing. Here's your ninepence.
K'tujHegh: I'm not wrecked!
Intrepid: 'Ere. He says he's not wrecked!
Ferret: Yes he is.
K'tujHegh: I'm not!
Intrepid: He isn't?
Ferret: Well, he will be soon. He's been picked apart by hellbores all morning.
K'tujHegh: I'm getting better!
Ferret: No you're not. You'll be a flaming wreck in a moment.
Intrepid: Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.
K'tujHegh: I don't want to go to the Scrapyard!
Ferret: Oh, don't be such a baby.
Intrepid: I can't take him.
K'tujHegh: I feel fine!
Ferret: Well, do us a favor.
Intrepid: I can't.
Ferret: Well, can you hang around a couple of impulses? He won't be long.
Intrepid: No, I've got to go to Rook's. They've lost nine today.
Ferret: Well, when's your next round?
Intrepid: Thursday.
K'tujHegh: I think I'll go on patrol.
Ferret: You're not fooling anyone you know. Look, I've got an idea...
K'tujHegh: [singing] I feel happy... I feel happy.
[K'tujHegh takes 3 overloaded hellbores at close range]
Ferret: 'ere you are, thanks very much.
Intrepid: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
Ferret: Right. All right.
[howl]
[click click click]
Who's that, then?
Intrepid: I dunno. Must be an Admiral.
Ferret: Why?
Intrepid: He's the only one not flying a frigate...

Scene 3: Bloody Peasant!

[warp sounds]
[XenoCorp Theme music]
[thud thud thud]
[XenoCorp Theme music stops]
Frey: Old Woman!
SFCShadow: Man!
Frey: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that starbase over there?
SFCShadow: I'm thirty seven.
Frey: What?
SFCShadow: I'm thirty seven -- I'm not old!
Frey: Well, I can't just call you `Man'.
SFCShadow: Well, you could say `Shadow'.
Frey: Well, I didn't know you were called `Shadow.'
SFCShadow: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?
Frey: I did say sorry about the `old woman,' but from the behind you looked--
SFCShadow: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
Frey: Well, I AM Admiral...
SFCShadow: Oh Admiral, eh, very nice. An' how'd you get that, eh? By exploitin' the newbies -- by hangin' on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an' social differences in our gaming society! ....If there's ever going to be any progress--

Ggruuk: Shadow, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh -- how d'you do?
Frey: How do you do, good peasant. I am Admiral Frey, Admiral of XenoCorp. Who's starbase is that?
Ggruuk: Admiral of the who?
Frey: XenoCorpians.
Ggruuk: Who are the XenoCorpians?
Frey: Well, we all are. we're all XenoCorpians and I am your Admiral.
Ggruuk: I didn't know we had an Admiral. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
SFCShadow: You're just fooling yourself. We're living in a League world. ..... A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working newbies--
Ggruuk: Oh there you go, bringing newbies into it again.
SFCShadow: That's what it's all about if only people would--
Frey: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that starbase?
Ggruuk: No one lives there.
Frey: Then who is your Fleet Admiral?
Ggruuk: We don't have a Fleet Admiral.
Frey: What?
SFCShadow: I told you. We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune league. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
Frey: Yes.
SFCShadow: But all the decisions of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.
Frey: Yes, I see.
SFCShadow: By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,--
Frey: Be quiet!
SFCShadow: --but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more--
Frey: Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
Ggruuk: Order, eh -- who does he think he is?
Frey: I am your Admiral!
Ggruuk: Well, I didn't vote for you.
Frey: You don't vote for Admirals.
Ggruuk: Well, how did you become Admiral then?
Frey: The Lady of the Lake,
[XC'ers sing]
her arm clad in the purest shimmering warp plasma, held aloft www.xenocorp.net from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Admiral Frey, was to carry XenoCorp.
[singing stops]
That is why I am your Admiral!
SFCShadow: Listen -- strange women lying in ponds distributing webpages is no basis for a system of government. "All your base" nonsense, indeed! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
Frey: Be quiet!
SFCShadow: Well you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause some watery tart threw a web address at you!
Frey: Shut up!
SFCShadow: I mean, if I went around sayin' I was an emperor just because some moistened bink had lobbed a front page at me they'd put me away!
Frey: Shut up! Will you shut up!

SFCShadow: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
Frey: Shut up!
SFCShadow: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! --- HELP! HELP! I'm being repressed!
Frey: Bloody peasant!
SFCShadow: Oh, what a give away. Did you hear that, did you hear that, eh?.... That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you?

Scene 4: The Black Dreadnought

[Exterior - Space - Day]
[MIX THROUGH]
Admiral Frey and GC cruising through the Alpha Quadrant. They pass though an asteroid belt.
[We TRACK with them]
[CLOSE-UPS of Admiral Frey and GC sitting at their command chairs as they travel]
[MIX to another TRACKING SHOT of them cruising through space]
They come to a nebula and stop, looking ahead intently. Their eyes light up.
[Sound FX of fight]
[CUT TO their eyeline]
In a clearing on the other side of the nebula is a wormhole looking anomaly. At the entrance to the nebula a tremendous fight is going on. A huge Black Dreadnought, painted in flat black, with no identifying marks is fighting a slightly smaller Cruiser painted green with the initials "HS" painted on the primary hull.
[CUT BACK TO Frey and GC]
They watch, growing more impressed as they watch the fight.
[CUT BACK TO the fight]
The Green Cruiser fires at the Black Dreadnought, who avoids the blow with a skillful side-slip and fires back, knocking the Green Cruiser's Phaser 1's out.
[CUT BACK TO Frey and GC]
They are even more impressed.
[CUT BACK TO the fight]
The Green Cruiser has fired a particularly nasty volley of plasma, much more powerful than the Black Dreadnought's shields. Admiral Frey narrows his eyes, wondering whether the Black Dreadnought will survive.
[CUT BACK to the fight]
The Green Cruiser closes on the Black Dreadnought, who weasels on the first volley, HETs and starts to close on the Green Cruiser.
[CUT BACK TO Frey and GC watching like they are at a tennis match]
[Sound FX of the fight reaching a climax]
[Four almighty explosions, then Silence]
[CUT BACK to see the Green Cruiser a glowing hulk]
The Black Dreadnought is slowly approaching the pitted ship.
[Frey looks at GC, Frey nods and they move forward]
[CUT BACK TO the Black Dreadnought tractoring the Green Cruiser into a convenient asteroid]
[Frey and GC approach him]
Frey: You fight with the strength of many starships, Captain.
Black Dreadnought: Who dares to challenge Scott Bruno?
Frey: I do not challenge you.
Scott Bruno: Stares impassively and says nothing.
Frey: I am Frey, Fleet Admiral of XenoCorp.
[Hint of a pause as he waits for a reaction which doesn't come. Frey is only slightly thrown.]
... I seek the bravest and the finest Captains in all
the world to join me in my gaming league at XenoCorp ...
[Scott Bruno remains silent]
Frey: You have proved yourself worthy. ... Will you join me?
[Silence]
Frey: A Captain of your strength and skill would be the chief of all my Pilots...
Scott Bruno: Never.
Frey: You make me sad. But so be it. Come GC.
[As he moves, the Black Dreadnought bars the way]
Scott Bruno: None shall pass.
Frey: What?
Scott Bruno: None shall pass.
Frey: I have no quarrel with you, brave Captain, but I must cross through this nebula to the wormhole on the other side.
Scott Bruno: Then you shall die.
Frey: I command you, as Fleet Admiral of XenoCorp to stand aside!
Scott Bruno: I move for no man.
Frey: So be it!
[Frey sounds Red Alert, powers up the weapons, and approaches the Black Dreadnought]
[A furious fight now starts lasting about fifteen seconds at which point Frey delivers a mighty blow which completely severs the Black Dreadnought's left warp nacelle at the engineering hull. Frey hails the Black Dreadnought triumphantly.]

Frey: Now move aside worthy adversary.
Scott Bruno: (Glancing at the bodies strewn about his bridge) 'Tis but a scratch.
Frey: A scratch? Your warp nacelles off.
Scott Bruno: No, it isn't.
Frey: (Pointing to the nacelle floating in space) Well, what's that then?
Scott Bruno: I've had worse.
Frey: You're a liar.
Scott Bruno: Come on you pansy!
[Another ten seconds furious fighting till Frey phasers the Black Dreadnought's other warp nacelle off, also at the engineering hull. The nacelle, plus about 20 crewmen, float in space.]

Frey: Victory is mine. (sinking to his knees on the bridge) I thank thee O Bethke that in thy ...
Scott Bruno: Come on then.
Frey: What?
[The Black Dreadnought phaser 3's Frey's ship, Frey's shields absorbing all the fire. Frey gets up and sits back in his command chair. The Black Dreadnought limps after them launching mines the whole way.]
Frey: You are indeed a brave Captain, but the fight is mine.
Scott Bruno: Had enough?
Frey: You stupid bastard. You haven't got any warp power left.
Scott Bruno: Course I have.
Frey: Look!
Scott Bruno: What! That's just a matter/antimatter containment breach!
[launches a probe at Frey]
Frey: Stop that.
Scott Bruno: (fires phaser 3's at him again) Had enough ... ?
Frey: I'll have your impulse engines!
[Frey is probed again]
Frey: Right!
[The Black Dreadnought phaser 3's him again (with absolutely no effect) and Frey torpedoes the Black Dreadnought's impulse engines]

[The Black Dreadnought maintains it's hull integrity with difficulty]
Scott Bruno: I'll do you for that.
Frey: You'll what ... ?
Scott Bruno: Come Here.
Frey: What are you going to do, vent plasma on me?
Scott Bruno: I'm Captain Krumb! I'm invincible!
Frey: You're a looney.
Scott Bruno: The Black Dreadnought always triumphs. Have at you!
[Frey phasers the engineering hull clean off the primary saucer section... the Black Dreadnought's primary hull floats upright.

Scott Bruno: All right, we'll call it a draw.
Frey: Come, GC.
[Frey and GC start to cross the nebula]
Scott Bruno: Disengaging, eh? You yellow bastard, Come back here and take what's coming to you. I'll probe your scanners off!
Scene 5: Burn the Hydran!

Monks of the Church of Taldren: [chanting while play testing]
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
[bonk into bug]
Pie Iesu domine,...
[bonk into bug]
...dona eis requiem.
[bonk into bug]
Pie Iesu domine,...
[bonk into bug]
...dona eis requiem.
Forum Members: A Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran!
Monks of the Church of Taldren: [chanting while play testing]
[bonk into bug]
Pie Iesu domine...
Forum Members: A Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran! We've found a Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran! We've got a Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! We've found a Hydran! We've found a Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran!
S'Tasik: We have found a Hydran. May we burn him?

Forum Members: Burn him! Burn! Burn him! Burn him!
762: How do you know he is a Hydran?
Kieran Forester: He looks like one.
Forum Members: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
762: Bring him forward.
Hobbes: I'm not a Hydran. I'm not a Hydran.
762: Uh, but you are dressed as one.

Hobbes: They dressed me up like this.
Forum Members: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
Hobbes: And I don't have three eyes. This middle one is a false one.
762: Well?
S'Tasik: Well, we did do the eye.
762: The eye?
S'Tasik: And the leg, but he is a Hydran!
Kieran Forester: Yeah!
Forum Members: We burn him! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
762: Did you dress him up like this?
S'Tasik: No!
Kieran Forester and Ggruuk: No. No.
Kieran Forester: No.
S'Tasik: No.
Kieran Forester and Ggruuk: No.
S'Tasik: Yes.
Kieran Forester: Yes.
S'Tasik: Yes. Yeah, a bit.
Ggruuk: A bit.
S'Tasik and Kieran Forester: A bit.
Ggruuk: A bit.
S'Tasik: He has got tough leathery skin.
Random: [cough]
762: What makes you think he is a Hydran?
Ggruuk: Well, he killed me with an overloaded Hellbore.
762: A Hellbore?
Ggruuk: I got better.
Kieran Forester: Burn him anyway!
S'Tasik: Burn!
Forum Members: Burn him! Burn! Burn him!...
762: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether he is a Hydran.
S'Tasik: Are there?
Kieran Forester: Ah?
S'Tasik: What are they?
Forum Members: Tell us! Tell us!...
762: Tell me. What do you do with Hydrans?
Ggruuk: Over-run him with an ESG!
S'Tasik: Blast him with drone waves!
762: Good, good... And what does the Hydran do when that happens?
Kieran Forester: Burn!
S'Tasik: Burn!
Forum Members: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...
762: And what do you burn apart from Hydrans?
S'Tasik: More Hydrans!
Ggruuk: Shh!
Kieran Forester: Wood!
762: So, why do Hydrans burn?
[pause]
Ggruuk: B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?
762: Good! Heh heh.
Forum Members: Oh, yeah. Oh.
762: So, how do we tell whether he is made of wood?
S'Tasik: Build a bridge out of him.
762: Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
S'Tasik: Oh, yeah.
Random: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...
762: Does wood sink in water?
S'Tasik: No. No.
Kieran Forester: No, it floats! It floats!
S'Tasik: Throw him into the pond!
Forum Members: The pond! Throw him into the pond!
762: What also floats in water?
S'Tasik: An ESG!
Kieran Forester: Magic photons!
Ggruuk: Uh, very small asteroids!
S'Tasik: Mines!
Kieran Forester: Uh, pla-- plasma!
S'Tasik: Fighters!
Kieran Forester: Mirak!
Ggruuk: Uh, slow drones! slow drones!
Kieran Forester: Deuterium! Deuterium!
Frey: A duck!
Forum Members: Oooh.
762: Exactly. So, logically...
S'Tasik: If... he... weighs... the same as a duck,... he's made of wood.
762: And therefore?
Kieran Forester: A Hydran!
S'Tasik: A Hydran!
Forum Members: A Hydran! A Hydran!...
theSea: Here is a duck. Use this duck.
[quack quack quack]
762: Very good. We shall use my largest scales.
Forum Members: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the Hydran! Burn the Hydran! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Ahh! Ahh...
762: Right. Remove the supports!
[whop]
[clunk]
[creak]

Forum Members: A Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran!
Hobbes: It's a fair cop.
Ggruuk: Burn him!
Forum Members: Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn! Burn!...
762: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
Frey: I am Frey, Admiral of the XenoCorpians.
762: Admiral!
Frey: Good Captain, will you come with me to XenoCorp and join the XC Crew?
762: Admiral! I would be honored.
Frey: What is your name?
762: '762', my Admiral.
Frey: Then I dub you 'Sr. Captain 762, Knight of XenoCorp'.

Narrative Interlude: The Book of the Film

Narrator: The wise Captain 762 was the first to join Admiral Frey's XC Crew, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Captain Intrepid the Brave, Commodore K'tujHegh the Cunning, Commodore Malystryx the Pure, Commodore Harry P. Nez the-not-quite-so-pure-as-Malystryx, Captains Ferret and Alien the-not-even-remotely-as-pure-as-Malystryx, and Captain Krusaderr the-not-quite-so-brave-as-Intrepid, who had nearly fought the Sunglider of Hydrax, who had nearly stood up to a vicious freighter from Klinzhai, and who had personally wet himself at the sight of the Intergalactic Juggernaught, and the aptly named Captain Tholian Not-appearing-in-this-game.

Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: the Knights of XenoCorp! (aka: XenoCorpians, the XC Crew, the Knights who say 'Moo', and the Taldren way-the-heck-out-there-outer-circle).

Scene 6: XenoCorp

[click click clicking around the forum]
762: And that, Admiral, is how they got the "magic" in the photons.
Frey: This new learning amazes me, 762. Explain again how poptarts are flammable.
762: Oh, certainly, sir.
Intrepid: Look, Admiral!
[proximity alert]
Frey: XenoCorp!
Harry P. Nez: XenoCorp!
Intrepid: XenoCorp!
Krusaderr: It's only a website.
Frey: Shh! XC members, I bid you welcome to your new home.

Let us browse... to... XenoCorp!

[in cyberspace]
XC Crew: [singing]
We're members of the XC Crew.
We blow ships up, it's true.
We fly routines and mission scenes
With our battle cry of Moo!
We like our battles hard fought.
We always shoot at K'tuj a lot.
[dancing]

We're members of the XC Crew.
Debating on the forum, we do,
But many days there is a craze
With Groo, Foo, Moo, and Zoo.
We're balance mad for SFC.
We dare you to argue with theSea.
[in dungeon]
Ferret and Alien: [spank spank spank spank]
[back in cyberspace]
XC Crew: [tap-dancing]
In war we're tough and able,
Quite indefatigable.
Between conquests we do photon tests
and Frey looks just like Clark Gable.
It's a busy life in XenoCorp.
Hawkeye: [on his R-XDD]
I have to load my Plasma torp.

[the forum]
Frey: Well, on second thought, let's not go to XenoCorp. It is a silly place.
762 and Intrepid: Right. Right.

Scene 7: A Blessing From Taldren!

[click click click]
[boom boom]
[angels sing]
Bethke: Frey! Frey, Admiral of XenoCorp!

Oh, don't grovel!
[singing stops]
One thing I can't stand, it's people groveling. Gets people to close to the ground and I have an aversion to dirt now!
Frey: Sorry.
[boom]
Bethke: And don't apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it's 'sorry this' and 'forgive me that' and 'where's my damn patch'.
[boom]
What are you doing now?!
Frey: I'm averting my eyes, O Bethke.

Bethke: Well, don't. It's like those Rise and Fall of the Plasma Torpedo posts -- they're so depressing. Now, knock it off!
Frey: Yes, O Bethke.
Bethke: Right! Frey, Admiral of XenoCorp, your XC Crew shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times waiting for a patch.
Frey: Good idea, Eric!
Bethke: 'Course it's a good idea! Behold!
[angels sing]
Frey, this is the Holy Grail of Play Balance. Look well, Frey, for it is your sacred task to seek this grail. That is your purpose, the quest for balance in Starfleet Command.
[boom]
[singing stops]
762: A blessing! A blessing from Taldren!
Intrepid: Bethke be praised!

Scene 8: ISC Starbase / Trojan Wild Weasel

[warp sounds]
[XenoCorp Theme Music]
Frey: Halt! Hello! Hello!
ISC Space Frog: 'Allo! Who is zis?
Frey: It is I, Admiral Frey, and these are my XenoCorp Crew. Who's Starbase is this?
ISC Space Frog: This is the Starbase of my master, Guy de Jinxx Morris!
Frey: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by Bethke with a sacred quest. If he will give us supplies and docking for the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail of Play Balance.
ISC Space Frog: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. Uh, he's already got one, you see?
Frey: What?
762: He says they've already got one!
Frey: Are you sure he's got one?
ISC Space Frog: Oh, yes, it's very nice-a (I told him we already got one)

Frey: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
ISC Space Frog: Of course not! You are Federation types-a!
Frey: Well, what are you then?
ISC Space Frog: I'm an ISC Space Frog! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly Admiral!
762: What are you doing in Federation space?
ISC Space Frog: Mind your own business!
Frey: If you will not show us the Holy Grail, we shall take your Starbase by force!
ISC Space Frog: You don't frighten us, Federation pig-dogs! ---Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Admiral Frey, you and all your silly XenoCorp knnnniggets. Thppppt!
762: What a strange person.
Frey: Now look here, my good man!
ISC Space Frog: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper!...... I fart in your general direction! . Your mother was a Mirak and your father smelt of Lyrans!
762: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
ISC Space Frog: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
Frey: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.
ISC Space Frog: Fetche lavache!
ISC Space Frog2: Quoi?
ISC Space Frog: Fetche lavache!
[moo!]
Frey: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall--
[twang]

[MMMOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo]
Jesus Christ! Right! Charge!
XenoCorp Crew: Charge!
[K'tujHegh and Crew charge]
ISC Space Frog: Ah, this one is for your mother!
[twang]

XenoCorp Crew: Run away!
ISC Space Frog: Thpppt!

[after running away...]
K'tujHegh: Fiends! I'll tear them apart with the K'tujHegh can opener!
Frey: No no, no no!
Hawkeye: Admiral! I have a plan, sir...

[later]
[chop saw chop saw]
[rumble rumble squeak]
[Wheeling trojan wild weasel up to the Starbase gates]

Muttering ISC Space Frogs: C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here...
[rumble rumble squeak]
Frey: What happens now?
Hawkeye: Well, now, uh, K'tujHegh, 762, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the wild weasel, taking the ISC Space Frogs by surprise -- not only by surprise, but PPD's totally uncharged!
Frey: Who leaps out?
Hawkeye: Uh, K'tujHegh, 762, and I. Uh, leap out of the wild weasel, uh and uh....
Frey: Oh....
Hawkeye: Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden suicide shuttle...
[clank]
[twang]
XenoCorp Crew: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
[Ward doesn't run fast enough]

[splat]
ISC Space Frogs: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh...

Scene 9: The Forum Historian

[click]
Voice: Recording for Archives, post attempt eight.
Forum Administator: Action!
Historian: Defeat at the Starbase of Guy de Jinxx Morris seems to have utterly disheartened Admiral Frey. The ferocity of the ISC taunting took him completely by surprise, and Frey became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail of Balance were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Frey, having consulted his Rear Admirals and Commodores, decided that they should separate and search for the Grail individually.
[click click click]
Now, this is what they did: K'tujHegh--
Forum Troll: Aaaah!
[slash]
[Forum Troll kills Historian]
Historian's Wife: Bradley!
Scene 10: Harry and the Three Mirak DF's

[trumpets]
Narrator: The Tale of Commodore Harry P. Nez. So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Harry traveled towards the galactic core, through the dark Ustabekzinti asteroid belt, accompanied by his favorite minstrel, XxMoogxX.
XxMoogxX: [singing] Bravely bold Sir Harry, came forth from XenoCorp.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Harry.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Harry!
He was not in the least bit scared to be blown to tiny bits,
Or to have his ship anchored, and eat some Type-IV missiles,
To have his plasmas H&R'ed, and his phasers mizia-ed,
And his ship all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Harry!
His bridge smashed in and his crew chewed up,
And his panties removed and his bowels unplugged,
And his yeomen raped and his bottom burned off,
And his pen--
Harry: That's-- that's, uh-- that's enough music for now, lads. Heh.
Looks like there's dirty work afoot.
SFCShadow: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
Ggruuk: Oh, Shadow, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud.
3 Mirak DF's: Halt! Who art thou?

XxMoogxX: [singing] He is brave Sir Harry, brave Sir Harry, who--
Harry: Shut up! Um, n-- n-- n-- nobody really, I'm j-- j-- j-- ju-- just um, just passing through.
All Mirak: What do you want?
XxMoogxX: [singing] To fight and--
Harry: Shut up! Um, oo, a-- nothing, nothing really. I, uh, j-- j-- just-- just to um, just to p-- pass through, good Mirak.
All Mirak: I'm afraid not!
Harry: Ah. W-- well, actually I-- I am a Knight of XenoCorp.
All Mirak: You're a Knight of XenoCorp?
Harry: I am.
K'dogHegh: In that case I shall have to blast you.
K'cowHegh: Shall I?
K'catHegh: Oh, I don't think so.
K'cowHegh: Well, what do I think?
K'dogHegh: I think blast him.
K'catHegh: Oh, let's be nice to him.
K'dogHegh: Oh shut up.

Harry: Perhaps I could--
K'dogHegh: And you. Oh, quick! Get a scatterpack out. I want to blow his head off!
K'catHegh: Oh, blow your own head off!
K'cowHegh: Yes, do us all a favor!
K'dogHegh: What?
K'catHegh: Yapping on all the time.
K'cowHegh: You're lucky. You're not next to him.
K'dogHegh: What do you mean?
K'cowHegh: You howl!
K'dogHegh: Oh, I don't. Anyway, you've got bad breath.
K'cowHegh: Well it's only because I've got four stomachs.
K'catHegh: Oh stop bitching and let's go have beer.
K'dogHegh: Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll blast him first and then have beer and grass.
K'cowHegh: Moooooo!
K'catHegh: Oh, not grass.
K'dogHegh: All right. All right, not grass, but let's blast him anyway.
All Mirak: Right!
K'cowHegh: He buggered off.
K'catHegh: So he has. He's scarpered.
XxMoogxX: [singing] Brave Sir Harry ran away.
Harry: No!
XxMoogxX: [singing] Bravely ran away away.
Harry: I didn't!
XxMoogxX: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
Harry: No!
XxMoogxX: [singing] Yes, brave Sir Harry turned about
Harry: I didn't!
XxMoogxX: [singing] And gallantly he chickened out, bravely running to his fleet.
Harry: I never did!
XxMoogxX: [singing] He beat a very brave retreat.
Harry: All lies!
XxMoogxX: [singing] Bravest of the brave, Sir Harry.
Harry: I never!
Cartoon: Diving Monks of the Church of Taldren

Monks of the Church of Taldren: [chanting]
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
Inner Circle Member: Heh heh heeh ooh...
[twang]
Monks of the Church of Taldren: [chanting]
Pie Iesu domine,...
Middle Circle Members: Wayy!
[splash]
Ho ho. Woa, wayy!
[twang]
[splash]
Heh heh heh heh ho! Heh heh heh!
Monks of the Church of Taldren: [chanting]
...dona eis requiem.
Inner Circle Member #2: Wayy!
[twang]
Wayy!
[twang]
Sethan: [whispering]
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Outer Circle Member: Oh! Oooo.

Scene 11: Hawkeye at Starbase Anthrax

[sound of plasma torps]
Narrator: The Tale of Captain Hawkeye.
[boom]
[wind]
[howl]
[howl]
[boom]
[angels singing]

[howl]
[boom]
[howl]
[boom]
[pound pound pound]
Hawkeye: Open the airlock! Open the airlock!
[pound pound pound]
In the name of Admiral Frey, open the airlock!
[creak]
[thump]
[creak]
[boom]
Girls: Hello!
Bastet: Welcome, gentle Captain. Welcome to the Starbase Anthrax.

Hawkeye: The Starbase Anthrax?
Bastet: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!
Hawkeye: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail of Balance?
Bastet: The what?
Hawkeye: The Grail. It is here.
Bastet: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!
Midget and Crapper: Yes, O Bastet?
Bastet: Prepare a bed for our guest.
Midget and Crapper: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!...
Bastet: Away! Away, varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.
Hawkeye: Well, look, I-- I, uh--
Bastet: What is your name, Captain?
Hawkeye: Hawkeye... 'the Often Chased'.
Bastet: Mine is 'Bastet'. Just 'Bastet'. Oh, but come.

Hawkeye: Look, please! In Bethke's name, show me the Grail!
Bastet: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.
Hawkeye: No, look. I have seen it! It is here in this--
Bastet: Captain Hawkeye! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.
Hawkeye: Well, I-- I, uh--
Bastet: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen- and- a- half, cut off in this starbase with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome starship captains. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
Hawkeye: No, no. It's-- it's nothing.
Bastet: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down.
[clap clap]
Piglet: Well, what seems to be the trouble?
Hawkeye: They're doctors?!
Bastet: Uh, they... have a basic medical training, yes.
Hawkeye: B-- but--
Bastet: Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Piglet! Doctor Winston! Practice your art.
Winston: Try to relax.
Hawkeye: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
Piglet: We must examine you.

Hawkeye: There's nothing wrong with that!
Piglet: Please. We are doctors.
Hawkeye: Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to a sacred quest I can not be distracted from.
Piglet: Back to your bed! At once!
Hawkeye: Torment me no longer. I have seen the Grail!
Piglet: There's no grail here.
Hawkeye: I have seen it! I have seen it!
[clank]
I have seen--
Girls: Hello.
Hawkeye: Oh.
Girls: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
Hawkeye: Bastet!
Alien: No, I am Bastet's identical twin sister, Alien.
Hawkeye: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
Alien: Where are you going?
Hawkeye: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
Alien: Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Bastet!
Hawkeye: Well, what is it?
Alien: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Bastet! She has been powering up our Plasma-I, which, I have just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem. The darn thing will launch the second it sees a blasted admin shuttle!
Hawkeye: It's not the real Grail?
Alien: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Bastet! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty! Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the XC boys were writing it, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think.
K'cowHegh of the three Mirak DF's: At least ours was better visually.
The Knights of Foo: Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of magic photon jokes.
Jinxx: Get on with it.
Overon the Elite SFCer: Yes, get on with it!
Forum Members: Yes, get on with it!
Alien: Oh, I am enjoying this scene.
Bethke: Get on with it!
Alien: [sigh]
[clunk]
Oh, wicked, wicked Bastet. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here at Starbase Anthrax, we have but one punishment for powering up the grail-shaped Plasma-I: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.
Girls: A spanking! A spanking!
Alien: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.
Amazing: And spank me.
Stunner: And me.
Lovely: And me.
Alien: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
Girls: A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!
Alien: And after the spanking, the green Orion slave-girl lapdances!
Girls: The lapdances! The lapdances!
Hawkeye: Well, I could stay a bit longer.
K'tujHegh: Hawkeye!
Hawkeye: Oh, hello.
K'tujHegh: Quick!
Hawkeye: What?
K'tujHegh: Quick!
Hawkeye: Why?
K'tujHegh: You are in great peril!
Alien: No, he isn't.
K'tujHegh: Silence, foul swingeress!
Hawkeye: You know, she's got a point.
K'tujHegh: Come on! We will cover your escape!
Hawkeye: Look, I'm fine!
K'tujHegh: Come on!
Girls: Captain Hawkeye!
Hawkeye: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
Alien: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
Girls: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
K'tujHegh: No, Hawkeye. Come on!
Hawkeye: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.
Alien: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.
Girls: Yes. Let him handle us easily.
K'tujHegh: No. Quick! Quick!
Hawkeye: Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them!
Alien: Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.
Girls: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily...
[boom]
Alien: Oh, shit.
[leaving Starbase Anthrax]
K'tujHegh: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Hawkeye: I don't think I was.
K'tujHegh: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Hawkeye: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
K'tujHegh: No, it's too perilous.
Hawkeye: Look, it's my duty as a XenoCorp Captain to sample as much peril as I can.
K'tujHegh: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
Hawkeye: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
K'tujHegh: No. It's unhealthy.
Hawkeye: I bet you're gay.
K'tujHegh: No, I'm not.

Narrative Interlude: Meanwhile, Admiral Frey and 762...

Narrator: K'tujHegh had saved Hawkeye from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, Admiral Frey and 762, not more than a War Eagle's flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that's a War Eagle, not a Warbird's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two Warbirds' flights away-- four, really, if they had a photon casing on a line between them. I mean, if the Warbirds were tractoring and towing--
Forum Crowd: Get on with it!
Narrator: Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Admiral Frey discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any Warbirds, although I think you can hear Frodo still going on about magic pho-- oooh!

Scene 12: Admiral Frey, 762, and the Old Man

Old Man: Ah, hee he he ha!
Frey: And this plasma chucker of whom you speak, he has seen the Holy Grail of Balance?
Old Man: Ha ha he he he he!

Frey: Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?
Old Man: He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
Frey: And the Grail... The Grail is there?
Old Man: There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorn Mating Pit of Eternal Peril and the Bird of Bethke, which no man has ever flown past.
Frey: But the Grail! Where is the Grail!?
Old Man: Seek you the Bird of Bethke.
Frey: The Bird of Bethke, which leads to the Grail?
Old Man: Hee hee ha ha!
[Old man warps out]

Scene 13: The Knights of Foo

Admiral Frey and his gallant band of XenoCorpians are navigating through a treacherous, seldom-travelled asteroid field...
[spooky music]
[music stops]
Head Knight of Foo: Foo!

Knights of Foo: Foo! Foo! Foo! Foo! Foo!
Frey: Who are you?
Head Knight: We are the Knights Who Say... 'Foo'!
Random: Foo!
Frey: No! Not the Knights Who Say 'Foo'!
Head Knight: The same!
Hawkeye: Who are they?
Head Knight: We are the keepers of the sacred words: Foo, Groo, Zoo, and Moo!
Random: Moo!
Frey: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
Head Knight: The Knights Who Say 'Foo' demand a sacrifice!

Frey: Knights of Foo, we are but simple travelers who seek the SFC Elite who lives beyond this asteroid field.
Head Knight: Foo!
Knights of Foo: Foo! Foo! Foo! Foo! Foo!...
Frey: Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh!
Head Knight: We shall say 'foo' again to you if you do not appease us.
Frey: Well, what is it you want?
Head Knight: We want... spam!
[dramatic chord]
Frey: What?
Knights of Foo: Foo! Foo! Foo! Foo!
Frey and the XenoCorp Crew: Ow! Oh!
Frey: Please, please! No more! We will find you some spam.
Head Knight: You must return here with spam or else you will never pass through these rocks...alive!
Frey: O Knights of Foo, you are just and fair, and we will return with some spam.
Head Knight: Make it a long post.
Frey: Of course.
Head Knight: And not on topic!
Frey: Yes.
Head Knight: Now... go!
Cartoon: Bloody Weather

[trumpets]
Rat Boy: Hmm hmm--
[boom]
Oh! Great scott! Hm. Hmm.
[boom]
Hm! Hmm.
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]
Ohh!
[crash]
[mumble mumble mumble]
[boom]

Sun: Ay, up! Thsss.
[boom] Ayy, up!
[boom] Thsss.
[boom] Ayy, up!
Rat Boy: Stop that! Stop that!
[boom]
Sun: Ay, up!
Rat Boy: Stop that!
[boom]
Look on! Clear off! Go on! Go away! Go away! Go away! And you! Clear off!
[sniff]
Sun: [mumble mumble mumble]
[bells]
Rat Boy: Hah. Bloody weather.

Scene 14: Make Sure He Doesn't Leave

Narrator: The Tale of Commodore K'tujHegh.
Father: One day, lad, all this will be yours!
Frodo: What, the photons?
Father: No, not the photons, lad. All that you can see! Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your Star Empire, lad!
Frodo: But, Mother--
Father: Father, lad, Father.
Frodo: But Father, I don't want any of that.
Father: Listen, lad. I've built this Star Empire up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was nebula. The Federation President said I was daft to build a starbase in a nebula, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the nebula. So, I built a second one. That sank into the nebula. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the nebula. But the fourth one stayed up. An' that's what your gonna get, lad -- the strongest starbase in these nebula.
Frodo: But I don't want any of that -- I'd rather--
Father: Rather what?!
Frodo: I'd rather... just... [music] ...sing!
Father: Stop that, stop that! You're not going to do a song while I'm here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you're getting upgraded to a ship that has better photons.
Frodo: But I don't want those kind of photons.
Father: Listen, Alice...
Frodo: Frodo.
Father: Frodo. .... We live in a bloody nebula. We need all the ships we can get.
Frodo: But I don't like them.
Father: Don't like them?! What's wrong with them? They're beautiful, they're new, they've got huge... to-hit ratios.
Frodo: I know, but I want the photons that I shoot to have... a certain... special... [music] ...something...
Father: Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you're using magic photons, so you'd better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get 'im.
Cheater #1: Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
Cheater #2: Hic!
Father: No, no. Until I come and get 'im.

Cheater #2: Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.
Father: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.
Cheater #1: And you'll come and get him.
Cheater #2: Hic!
Father: Right.
Cheater #1: We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.
Father: No, no. Leaving the room.
Cheater #1: Leaving the room, yes.
Father: All right?
Cheater #1: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
Father: Yes, what is it?
Cheater #1: Oh, if-if, oh--
Father: Look, it's quite simple.
Cheater #1: Uh...
Father: You just stay here, and make sure 'e doesn't leave the room. All right?
Cheater #2: Hic!
Father: Right.
Cheater #1: Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?
Father: N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure--
Cheater #1: Oh, yes, we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were with him--
Father: No, no, just keep him in here--
Cheater #1: Until you, or anyone else,--
Father: No, not anyone else, just me--
Cheater #1: Just you.
Cheater #2: Hic!
Father: Get back.
Cheater #1: Get back.
Father: Right?
Cheater #1: Right, we'll stay here until you get back.
Father: And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave.
Cheater #1: What?
Father: Make sure 'e doesn't leave.
Cheater #1: The Prince?
Father: Yes, make sure 'e doesn't leave.
Cheater #1: Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y'know, it seemed a bit daft, me havin' to guard him when he's a cheater too.
Father: Is that clear?
Cheater #2: Hic!
Cheater #1: Oh, quite clear, no problems.
Father: Right. [starts to leave] Where are you going?
Cheater #1: We're coming with you.
Father: No no, I want you to stay 'ere and make sure 'e doesn't leave.
Cheater #1: Oh, I see. Right.
Frodo: But, Father!
Father: Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! [music] And no singing!
Cheater #2: Hic!
Father: Oh, go get a glass of water.
[clank]
[scribble scribble scribble fold fold]
[twong]

Scene 15: Message For You, Sir

K'tujHegh: Well taken, theSea!
theSea: Thank you, sir! Most kind.
K'tujHegh: And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one...Ooof! Come on, theSea!
[theSea is hit with a NSM followed by a suicide shuttle] BOOM!!!
theSea: Message for you, sir.
[fwump - he falls over]
K'tujHegh: theSea! theSea, speak to me! "To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by Taldren, who wishes me to use magic photons against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp Starbase."

At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! ...Brave, brave theSea! You shall not have died in vain!
theSea: Uh, I'm-I'm not quite dead, sir.
K'tujHegh: Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!
theSea: Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.
K'tujHegh: Oh, I see.
theSea: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you--
K'tujHegh: No, no, sweet theSea! Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... (sigh)
theSea: Idiom, sir?
K'tujHegh: Idiom!
theSea: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.
K'tujHegh: Farewell, sweet theSea!
theSea: I'll-uh, I'll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah.

Scene 16: Hurry, K'tujHegh. Hurry!

[K'tujHegh charges the castle]
K'tujHegh: Ha-ha! etc.
[Carnage and mayhem] missiles and drones and mass death all around

Newbie #1: Now, you're not allowed to come in here, and we're-ugh!
K'tujHegh: O fair one, behold your humble servant Commodore K'tujHegh of XenoCorp. I have come to take -- oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Frodo: You got my note!
K'tujHegh: Uh, well, I got A note.
Frodo: You've come to rescue me!
K'tujHegh: Uh, well, no, you see--
Frodo: I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there... there must be... [music] ...someone...
Jinxx: Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you?
Frodo: I'm your son!
Jinxx: No, not you.
K'tujHegh: I'm Commodore K'tujHegh, sir.
Frodo: He's come to rescue me, Jinxx.
K'tujHegh: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
Jinxx: Did you kill all the Newbies?
K'tujHegh: Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry.
Jinxx: They cost fifty pounds each.
K'tujHegh: Well, I'm awfully sorry, I'm -- I really can explain everything.
Frodo: Don't be afraid of him, K'tujHegh, I've got a rope all ready!

Jinxx: You killed eight Newbies in all!
K'tujHegh: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a Magic Photon user.
Jinxx: I can understand that.
Frodo: Hurry, K'tujHegh! Hurry!
Jinxx: Shut up! You only killed the Lyran ambassador, that's all!
K'tujHegh: Well, I really didn't mean to...
Jinxx: Didn't mean to?! You put your MIRV missiles right through his head!
K'tujHegh: Oh, dear. Is he all right?
Jinxx: You even kicked that Cadet in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune!
K'tujHegh: Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from XenoCorp Headquarters, when I got this note, you see--
Jinxx: XenoCorp? Are you from, uh, XenoCorp?
Frodo: Hurry, K'tujHegh!
K'tujHegh: Uh, I am a Knight of Admiral Frey, sir.
Jinxx: Pretty nice castle, XenoCorp. Uh, pretty good pig country....
K'tujHegh: Is it?
Frodo: Hurry, I'm ready!
Jinxx: Would you, uh, like to come and have a Romulan Ale?
K'tujHegh: Well, that's, uh, awfully nice of you.
Frodo: I am ready!
[start to leave]
K'tujHegh: --I mean to be, so understanding. [Jinxx unties rope] [thonk]
Frodo: Oooh! [splat]
K'tujHegh: Um, I think when I'm in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.
Jinxx: Oh, don't worry about that.
Frodo: Oooh! [splat]

Scene 17: The Dead Frodo

[wailing]
Jinxx: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
762: There he is!
Jinxx: Oh, bloody hell.
K'tujHegh: Ha-ha! etc.
[more carnage and mayhem] more missiles fly. With scatterpacks
Jinxx: Hold it, hold it! Please!
K'tujHegh: Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away. I really must -- sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone.
762: He's killed the Lyran ambassador!
[yelling]
Jinxx: Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Commodore K'tujHegh from the XenoCorp Crew -- a very brave and influential SFCer, and my special guest here today.
K'tujHegh: Hello.
Hobbesmaster: He killed my auntie!
[yelling]
Jinxx: Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! ... Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the graduation of two young cadets to using magic photons. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Frodo, has just fallen to his death. But I don't want to think I've lost a son, so much as... gained a dreadnought! For, since the tragic death of the Lyran ambassador--
762: He's not quite dead!
Jinxx: Since the near fatal wounding of the ambassador--
762: He's getting better!
Jinxx: For, since the dreadnought's owner, the Lyran ambassador... who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,--
[Newbies "Waporize" the ambassador]
[ugh]
762: Oh, he's died!
Jinxx: And I want his dreadnought to be passed on to XenoCorp in a very real, and legally binding sense. [clapping] And I feel sure that the merger -- uh, the union -- between the dreadnought and the brave, but dangerous, K'tujHegh of XenoCorp--
K'tujHegh: What?
762: Look! The dead Cadet!
theSea: He's not quite dead!
Frodo: Oh, I feel much better.
Jinxx: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!
Frodo: No, I was saved at the last minute.
Jinxx: How?!
Frodo: Well, I'll tell you... [music]
Jinxx: Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it!
Singing: He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
Jinxx: Shut up!
Singing: He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell!
theSea: Quickly, sir! Come this way!!!
K'tujHegh: No, it's not right for my idiom. I must escape more..........[sigh]
theSea: Dramatically sir?
K'tujHegh: Dramatically!!!!
[crash]
[K'tujHegh hovers on chandelier]
Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?

Scene 18: Moofighters the Spammer

Frey and Hawkeye arrive at a dreary colony world, looking for spam... One of the inhabitants is a cranky old Brit named Scrote, who is beating a cat for some reason.

Cat: Rewr! Rewr! Rewr! Rewr!
Frey: Old Scrote!
Cat: Rewr!
[Scrote stops beating cat]
[music stops]
Frey: Is there anywhere on this world where we could find some spam?
[dramatic chord]
Scrote: Who sent you?
Frey: The Knights Who Say 'Foo'.
Scrote: Aggh! No! Never! We have no spam here.
Frey: If you do not tell us where we can find some spam, my friend and I will say... we will say... 'foo'.
Scrote: Agh! Do your worst!
Frey: Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... foo!
Scrote: No! Never! No spam!
Frey: Foo!
Scrote: [cough]
Hawkeye: Fee!
Frey: No, no, no, no...
Hawkeye: Fee!
Frey: No, it's not that, it's 'foo'.
Hawkeye: Fee!
Frey: No, no-- 'foo'. You're not doing it properly. 'Foo'.
Hawkeye: Foo!
Frey and Hawkeye: Foo!
Frey: That's it. That's it. You've got it.
Frey and Hawkeye: Foo!
Scrote: Ohh!
Hawkeye: Foo!
Frey: Foo!
Scrote: Agh!
Hawkeye: Foo!
Frey: Foo!
Hawkeye: Foo!
Frey: Foo!
Hawkeye: Foo!
Moofighters: Are you saying 'foo' to that old Brit?
Frey: Erm, yes.
Moofighters: Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can 'foo' at will to old limeys. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and compose spam are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
Frey: Did you say 'spam'?
Moofighters: Yes. Spam is my trade. I am a spammer. My name is Moofighters the Spammer. I compose, arrange, and post spam.
Hawkeye: Foo!
Frey: No! No, no, no! No!
Scene 19: The Knights Who No Longer Say 'Foo'

Frey: O Knights of Foo, we have posted your spam. May we go now?
Head Knight: It is good spam. I like the bit about Wesley particularly. But there is one small problem.

Frey: What is that?
Head Knight: We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say 'Foo'.
Knights of Foo: Foo! Shh!
Head Knight: Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say 'Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pikang-zoo-moo-groo-ktuj-poo-dirt'.
Random: Foo!
Head Knight: Therefore, we must give you a test.
Frey: What is this test, O Knights of-- Knights Who 'Til Recently Said 'Foo'?
Head Knight: Firstly, you must find... more spam!
[dramatic chord]
Frey: Not more spam!
Random: Foo!
Head Knight: Then, when you have found the spam, you must post it here beside this spam, only slightly more off-topic so you get the two-level effect that really pisses Jinxx off.
Knights of Foo: Piss off Jinxx! Piss off Jinxx! Piss off Jinxx! Foo! Shh! Foo! Foo! Shh! Foo! Shh!...
Head Knight: Then, when you have posted the spam, you must cut up the mightiest rock in the asteroid field... with... a photon!
[dramatic chord]
Frey: We shall do no such thing!
Head Knight: Oh, please!
Frey: Cut up a rock with a photon? It can't be done.
Knights of Foo: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
Head Knight: Augh! Ohh! Don't say that word.
Frey: What word?
Head Knight: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Foo cannot hear.
Frey: How can we not say the word if you don't tell us what it is?
Knights of Foo: Aaaaugh!
Head Knight: You said it again!
Frey: What, 'is'?
Knights of Foo: Agh! No, not 'is'.
Head Knight: No, not 'is'. You wouldn't get vary far in life not saying 'is'.
Knights of Foo: No, not 'is'. Not 'is'.
Hawkeye: Admiral, it's Captain Harry!
XxMoogxX: [singing] Packing it in and packing it up,
And sneaking away and buggering up,
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.
Frey: Harry!
Harry: Admiral! It's good to see you.
Head Knight: Now he's said the word!
Frey: Surely you've not given up your quest for the Holy Grail of Balance?
XxMoogxX: [singing] He is sneaking away and buggering up--
Harry: Shut up! No, no. No. Far from it.
Head Knight: He said the word again!
Knights of Foo: Aaaaugh!
Harry: I was looking for it.
Knights of Foo: Aaaaugh!
Harry: Uh, here-- here in this asteroid field.
Frey: No, it is far from this place.
Knights of Foo: Aaaaugh!
Head Knight: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word...
Frey: Oh, stop it!
Knights of Foo: ...we cannot hear!
Head Knight: Ow! He said it again!
Frey: Newbie!
Head Knight: Wait! I said it! I said it!
[warping sounds]
Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That's three 'it's! Ohh!
Knights of Foo: Aaaaugh!
Narrative Interlude: Summer Changed Back Into Winter...

Narrator: And so, Admiral Frey and Hawkeye and Harry P. Nez set out on their search to find the 'plasma chucker' of whom the old man had spoken in scene twenty-four. Beyond the Hyperion asteroids, they met K'tujHegh and 762, and there was much rejoicing.

XC Crew: Yay! Yay!
[woosh]
Narrator: On the frozen Klingon moon of Rura Penthe, they were forced to eat XxMoogxX.
XxMoogxX: [high-pitched] Get back! Eee!
Narrator: And there was much rejoicing.
XC Crew: Yay!
Narrator: A year passed.
Sniper: [shivering]
Narrator: Winter changed into Spring.
Sniper: Mmm, nice.
Narrator: Spring changed into Summer.
Sniper: Oh. Ahh.
Narrator: Summer changed back into Winter,...
Sniper: Oh?
Narrator: ...and Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. This is known to happen, by the way, whenever the ruddy Federation starts messing with it's galactic daylight savings-time nonsense.
Sniper: Aah.
[snap]
Oh! Waa!
Narrator: Until one day...

Scene 20: Overon the Elite SFCer

The XenoCorpians are riding along the top of a ridge. The country is wild and inhospitable. Suddenly some of them see fire in the distance and ride towards it. As they approach they see an impressive FROGLIKE figure striding around using a PPD to cause various bushes and branches to burst into flame.
[boom]
XenoCorp Crew: Eh. Oh. See it? Oh. Oh.
Frey: XenoCorpians! Forward!
[boom boom boom]

[boom boom]
[squeak]
[boom boom boom boom]
Frey: What manner of man are you that can conjure up fire without flint or tinder?
Overon: I am a plasma chucker and elite SFCer.
[Frey looks at S'Tasik]
Frey: By what name are you known?
Overon: There are some who call me.... Overon?

Frey: Greetings Overon the Frog!
Overon: Greetings Admiral Frey.
Frey: You know my name?
Overon: I do.
[zoosh! - Overon does another fire trick]
You seek the Holy Grail of Balance!
Frey: That is our quest. You know much that is hidden O Overon.
Overon: Quite.
[pweeng boom]
[Ripple of applause from the XenoCorpians]
Frey: Yes we seek the Holy Grail of Balance.
[clears throat very quietly]
Our quest is to find the Holy Grail of Balance.
One or Two of the XenoCorp Crew: Yes it is.
Frey: And so we're looking for it.
XenoCorp Crew: Yes, we are.
Hawkeye: We have been for some time.
XenoCorp Crew: Yes.
K'tujHegh: Months.
Frey: Yes... and obviously any help we get is... is very... helpful.
Blade: Do you know where it...
[boom! Overon does yet another fire trick with impressive splash damage]
Frey: Fine... well er... we mustn't take up anymore of your time... I don't suppose... sorry to sort of keep on about it... you haven't by any chance... aaah... any idea where one might find... a... aaa...
Overon: What?
Frey: A G...g...grail of b.b....b.....
Overon: Of Balance?
[They all jump slightly and look about apprehensively]
Frey: Er... yes... I think so.
XenoCorp Crew: Yes.
Overon: Yes.
XenoCorp Crew: Fine.
K'tujHegh: Splendid!
XenoCorp Crew: Yes, moo!
[Overon looks thoughtful and they all stand around a little. Then Overon produces another fire trick producing several different colours]
Frey: Look, you're a busy man ...
Overon: Yes, I can help you with your guest.
[Slight pause]
XenoCorp Crew: Thank you. Yes, thank you very much.
Overon: To the north there lies a cave, the cave of Taldrenbannog, wherein, carved in mystic runes, upon the very living rock, the last words of Ketrick of Amarillo ...
[There is a thunderclap and a wind starts. The XenoCorpians get nervous]
Overon: ...make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail of Balance.
Frey: How shall we find this cave, O Overon?
Overon: Follow!
[The XenoCorpians register delight and wheel round on themselves]
Overon: But follow only if you are men of valour. For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a monster, a creature so foul and cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived. Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair... therefore sweet XenoCorpians if you may doubt your strength or courage come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty pointy teeth.
Frey: What an eccentric performance!
Scene 21: David Ferrell of Taldrenbannog

Frey: Shhh!
[The NEWBIES decrease the amount of noise they are making with the photon casings for a few seconds. Then there is a burst of noise from them including mooing.]
S'Tasik: (to Frey) They're nervous, sire.
Frey: Then we'd best leave them here and carry on at one-quarter impulse speed.
[Overon takes a strange look at them. They walk on leaving the NEWBIES behind. After a few more moments Overon halts them with a sign.]
Overon: Behold the Cave of Taldrenbannog!

Frey: Right! Keep me covered.
[Stir among XenoCorpians]
Hawkeye: What with?
Frey: Just keep me covered.
Overon: Too late.
Frey: What?
Overon: There he is!
[They all turn, and see a large overworked David Ferrell lolloping a few yards out of the cave. Accompanied by terrifying chord and jarring metallic monster noise.]
Frey: Where?
Overon: There.
Frey: Behind David Ferrell?
Overon: It is David Ferrell.
Frey: ...You silly sod.
Overon: What?
Frey: You got us all worked up.
Hawkeye: You cretin!
Frey: That is not an ordinary David Ferrell... 'tis the most foul cruel and bad-tempered thing you ever set eyes on when he's overworked!
K'tujHegh: You tit. I soiled my armour I was so scared!
Overon: Look, David Ferrell's got a vicious streak. He's a killer!
Blade: Oh, fuck off. Get stuffed.
Overon: He'll do you up a treat mate!
Blade: Oh yeah?
K'tujHegh: You turd! Mangy scots git!
Overon: Look. I'm warning you.
K'tujHegh: What's he do? Nibble your bum?
Overon: Well, He's got huge... very sharp... he can jump a... look at the bones!!
Frey: Go on, Hunin Raven, chop its head off.
Hunin Raven: Right. Silly little bleeder. One David Ferrell stew coming up.
Overon: Look!

[As Overon points they all spin round to see DAVID FERRELL leap at HUNIN RAVEN's throat with an appalling scream. From a distance of about twenty feet there is a tin opening noise, a cry from HUNIN RAVEN. A quick CLOSE-UP of a savage DAVID FERRELL tearing through armour and hull points and HUNIN RAVEN's head flies off. Then DAVID FERRELL leaps back to the mouth of the cave and sits there looking in the XenoCorp Crew's direction and growling menacingly.]
Frey: Je...sus Christ!
Overon: I warned you!
K'tujHegh: I done it again.
Overon: Did I tell you? Did you listen to me? Oh no, no, you knew better didn't you? No, he's just an ordinary Taldren Employee isn't he. The names you called me. Well, don't say I didn't tell you.
Frey: Oh, shut up.
Overon: (quietly) It's always the same ... if I've said it once.
Frey: Charge!

[They all charge with weapons overloaded towards DAVID FERRELL. A tremendous twenty second fight with Peckinpahish shots and borrowing heavily also on the Kung Fu and karate-type films ensues, in which some three XenoCorpians are comprehensively killed.]
Frey: Run away! Run away!
XenoCorp Crew: (taking up cry) Run away! Run away!
[They run down from the cave and hide, regrouping behind some rocks. Overon, some way away, is pointing at them and laughing derisively.]
Overon: Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Frey: Who did we lose?
GC: RogueJedi.
Blade: Dieter.
Frey: And Hunin Raven. Five.
Blade: Three, Admiral!
Frey: Three. Well, we'll not risk another frontal assault. That David Ferrell's dynamite!
K'tujHegh: Would it help to confuse him if we ran away more.
Frey: Shut up. Go and change your armour.
[K'tujHegh leaves, walking strangely.]
Blade: Let us taunt it. It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
Frey: Like what?
[Blade cannot find a suitable answer to this]
S'Tasik: Do we have any hellbores?
Frey: No.
GC: We have the Holy Photon.
K'tujHegh: The what?
Frey: The Holy Photon of Antioch. 'Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Malystryx always carries with him.
XenoCorp Crew: Yes. Of course.
Frey (shouting): Bring up the Holy Photon!
XC Elites: [chanting]
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.

Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem. Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
Frey: How does it, um-- how does it work?
Hawkeye: I know not, Admiral.
Frey: Consult the Taldren Book of Armaments!
Malystryx: Let us turn to the Holy Book of Taldren Weapons and Armaments, Chapter 3: Federation, verses nine to twenty-one.

It came to pass that the Bethke did cast his gaze upon the photon of Antioch and declared it lacking. And Bethke raised the photon up on high, saying, 'O Taldren, bless this Thy Holy Photon that, with it, Thou mayest blow Thine plasma and disruptor enemies to tiny bits in Thy mercy.'
And the Taldrenites did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and and the romulans and the klingons and large chu--
Hstaphath: Skip a bit, Brother Malystryx.
Malystryx: And the Bethke spake, saying, 'First shalt thou ignore one ECM shift. Then, shalt thou ECCM bonus be effectively three. No more. No less. Three shalt be the number of thou ECCM, and the number of the ECCM shall be three. Four shalt shalt not the ECCM be, nor either two, excepting that thou ECCM then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the ECCM is three, being the third number, be reached, then, lobbest thou thy Holy Photon of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.'
Hstaphath: Amen.
XenoCorp Crew: Amen.
Frey: Right!

One!... Two!... Five!
Intrepid: Three, sir!
Frey: Three!
[angels sing]
[boom]

Scene 22: Large Sunglider of Cheeeeese!

Frey and his Knights have stumbled across an ancient space probe...
Frey: There! Look!
K'tujHegh: What does it say?
Hawkeye: What language is that?

Frey: Brother Hstaphath! You are a scholar.
Hstaphath: It's Amarillese!
Hawkeye: Of course! Ketrick of Amarillo!
K'tujHegh: 'Course!
Frey: What does it say?
Hstaphath: It reads, 'Here may be found the last words of Ketrick of Amarillo. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail of Balance in the Castle of cheeeeeeese'.
Frey: What?
Hstaphath: '... the Castle of cheeeeeeese'.
762: What is that?
Hstaphath: He must have been eating Cheesy Poofs.
K'tujHegh: Oh, come on!
Hstaphath: Well, that's what it says.
Frey: Look, if he was eating Cheesy Poofs, he wouldn't bother to write 'cheeese'. He'd just get cheese all over it!
Hstaphath: Well, that's what's recorded in the probe!
Hawkeye: Perhaps he was lactating.
Frey: Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?
Hstaphath: No. Just, 'cheeeese'.
K'tujHegh: Cheeeeese.
Frey: Cheeese.
762: Do you suppose he meant Chiaaaaaaz?
Hawkeye: Where's that?
762: Gorn space, I think.
K'tujHegh: Don't the Klingons have a Klinzheeee?
Frey: No, that's Klinzhai.
K'tujHegh: Oh, yes. Klinzhaiiii.
XenoCorp Crew: Klinzhaiii.
762: Jeeeeeeeeesus!
K'tujHegh: No, no. 'Cheeeeeese', like Limburger. Cheeeese.
762: N-- no. No, no, no, no. 'Jeeeeeesus', in surprise and alarm.
K'tujHegh: Oh, you mean sort of a 'Jeez'!
762: Yes, but I-- aaaaaah!
Frey: Oooh!
Hawkeye: Great Bethke!
[dramatic chord]
[roar]

Hstaphath: It's the Large Sunglider of Cheeeeese!
[Large Sunglider of Cheeeeese hoses down Brother Hstaphath with multiple phaser emplacements]
762: That's it! That's it!
Frey: Run away!
XenoCorp Crew: Run away!
[roar]
Run away! Run awaaay! Run awaaaaay!
[roar]
Keep running!
[more phasers]
[roar]
Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!...
762: We've lost him.
[roar]
XenoCorp Crew: Aagh!
Narrator: As the horrendous Large Sunglider lunged forward, escape for Admiral Frey and his XC Crew seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the CEO of Polly-O suffered a fatal heart attack.
CEO of Polly-O: Ulk!
[thump]
Narrator: The cheese peril was no more. The quest for Holy Grail of Balance could continue.
Scene 23: The Bird of Bethke

[gurgle]
Frey: There it is! The Bird of Bethke!
GC: Oh, great.
Frey: Look!! There's that old man!
762: What is he doing here?
Frey: He is the keeper of the Bird of Bethke. He asks each traveler five questions--
Da Bomb: Three questions
Frey: Three questions. He who answers the five questions--
Da Bomb: Three Questions
Frey: Three questions may fly past the Bird in safety.
Kieran Forester: What if you get a question wrong?
Frey: Then you are cast into the Gorn Mating pit of Eternal Peril.
Hobbesmaster: Oh, I won't go.
K'tujHegh: Who's going to answer the questions?
Frey: Captain Sniper!
Sniper: Yes?
Frey: Brave Captain Sniper, you go.
Sniper: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't K'tujHegh go?
K'tujHegh: Yes, let me go, Admiral. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east--
Frey: No, no, hang on hang on hang on! Just answer the five questions--
Hawkeye: Three questions
Frey: Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and pray.
K'tujHegh: I understand, sir.
Frey: Good luck, brave Commodore K'tujHegh. Bethke be with you.
Keeper: Stop!

Who would cross the Bird of Bethke must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
K'tujHegh: Ask me the questions, Bird-keeper. I'm not afraid.
Keeper: What is your name?

K'tujHegh: My name is Commodore K'tujHegh of XenoCorp.
Keeper: What is your quest?
K'tujHegh: To seek the Holy Grail of Balance.
Keeper: What is your favorite tactic?
K'tujHegh: The K'tujHegh Can Opener.
Keeper: Right. Off you go.
K'tujHegh: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
Sniper: That's easy!
Keeper: Stop! Who approaches the Bird of Bethke must answer me these questions three, 'ere the other side he see.
Sniper: Ask me the questions, Bird-keeper. I'm not afraid.
Keeper: What is your name?
Sniper: Captain Sniper of XenoCorp.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Sniper: To seek the Holy Grail of Balance.
Keeper: What is the Home planet of the Gorn?
Sniper: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
Keeper: Stop! What is your name?
Harry P. Nez: Commodore Harry of XenoCorp.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Harry P. Nez: I seek the Grail.
Keeper: What is your favorite tactic?
Harry P. Nez: Gorn Anchor. No Plasma-Bal-- Auuuuuuuugh!
Keeper: Heh heh. Stop! What is your name?
Frey: It is Admiral Frey, Founder of XenoCorp.
Keeper: What is your quest?
Frey: To seek the Holy Grail of Balance.
Keeper: What is the air-speed velocity of a fully loaded Mirak?
Frey: What do you mean? With Fast Drones or Slow?
Keeper: What? I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
KehaKhoul: How do know so much about Mirak?
Frey: Well, you have to know these things when you're a member of XenoCorp, you know.
[suspenseful music]
[music suddenly stops]
[intermission]
[suspenseful music resumes]

Scene 24: The Castle Taldren

Frey: K'tujHegh! K'tujHegh! K'tujHegh!
762: K'tujHegh! K'tujHegh!
Frey: K'tujHegh!
[police radio]

K'tujHegh!
Hawkeye: K'tujHegh! K'tujHegh!
[Newbies singing]
[singing stops]
[ethereal music]

Frey: The Castle Taldren. Our quest is at an end!

Bethke be praised! Almighty Bethke, we thank Thee that Thou hast vouchsafed to us the most holy- [twong baaaa] Jesus Christ!
ISC Space Frog: 'Allo, daffy XenoCorp kniggets and Monsieur Admiral Frey, who has the brain of a duck, you know! So, we ISC fellows out-wit you a second time!
Frey: How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I command you, in the name of the Knights of XenoCorp, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which Bethke himself has guided us!
ISC Space Frog: How you XenoCorp say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser!

So, you think you could out-clever us ISC folk with your silly knees-bent running about in dancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, ... I PPD your silly fighter-types you cheesy lot of second hand electric Federation bottom biters.

Frey: In the name of Bethke, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
ISC Space Frog: No chance, XenoCorp bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!
Frey: If you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force! [splat] In the name of Bethke and the glory of our-- [splat] Right! That settles it!
ISC Space Frogs: Yes, depart a lot at this time and cut the approaching any more or we fire Plasma I's at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!
Frey: Walk away. Just ignore them.
ISC Space Frogs: And now remain gone illegitimate faced buggerfolk! And, if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain't heard nothing yet! Daffy XenoCorp kniggets! Thpppt!
Frey: We shall attack at once!
Kehakoul: Yes, Admiral!
Frey: Stand by for attack!
[XenoCorp troops gather from out of nowhere]
Frey: ISC Space Frogs! Today the blood of many a valiant Elite XC'er shall be avenged. In the name of Bethke we shall not stop our fight until each one of you lies dead, and the Holy Grail of Balance returns to those whom Bethke has chosen. Charge!!!!
XenoCorp Troops: Charge!!!!!!!!!
[Interplay QA people]
Circle members: Yes. They're the ones. I'm sure.
QA Inspector: Come on. Anybody armed must go too.
QA Inspector #2: All right. Come on. Back.
Middle Circle members: Get that one.
QA Inspector #2: Back. Right away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along.
QA Inspector: Put this man in the van.
QA Inspector #2: Clear off. Come on.
762: With whom?
QA Inspector: Which one?
QA Inspector #2: Oh-- this one.
QA Inspector: Come on. Put him in the van.
QA Inspector #2: Get a Plasma-R.
Officer #1: We have no Wild Weasel prepared.
Random: Ahh.
[squeak]
Random: Ooh.
Officer #1: Come on. Back. Riiight back. Come on!
Officer #2: Run along! Run along!
Officer #1: Pull that off. My, that's an offensive weapon, that is.
Officer #2: Come on. Back with 'em. Back. Right. Come along.
Inspector: Everything?
[squeak]
Officer #1: All right, Stoney. That's enough. Just pack that in.

[crash]
SFCShadow: Christ!

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