by Hstaphath

(SL-Punisher checks his email...)
SL-Pun: Damn, more spam invading my inbox--
762: Nooooobody expects the Spammer's Imposition!
SL-Pun: Oh no!
762: Our two weapons are offshore servers and feeble laws. Feeble laws and offshore servers.
Capt Mike: Wha-?!?
762: And fake headers. Our THREE weapons are offshore servers, feeble laws and fake headers.
SL-Pun: Errr...
762: And gullible horny lamers. Our FOUR weapons are... I'll come in again.
-!- 762 [1337Hydran@xenocorp.net] has quit [Come, Captain Bearslayer!]
-!- 762 [1337Hydran@xenocorp.net] has joined #taldrenchat
SL-Pun: Aaaarrrgghhh!!!*

* 762 tortures SL-Pun with the comfy "V14Gr/" and the soft "Debt_Consolidation"

by Hstaphath

There are Klinks on GSA, there are Mirak,
there are Romulans and Gorn and then
there are those that are wussy cat people -but-
I've never been one of them.

I am a XenoCorpian
and have been since the day OP began,
and the one thing they say about the XC Crew is
they'll shoot K'tuj as soon as they can.

You don't have to be a plasma chucker.
You just have to know how to play.
You don't have to have any fur-clothes on, you're
a XenoCorpian the moment Frey said 'Okay'

...Because...

Every newbie is sacred,
every newbie is great,
If a newbie is wasted,
Bethke gets quite irate. (2x)

Let the heathens kill theirs,
or teach them tactics unsound.
Taldren shall make them pay for
each newbie that's not around.

Every newbie is wanted,
every newbie is good.
Every newbie is needed,
in your gaming neighborhood.

ISC, Fed, Hydran,
kill theirs just anywhere
but Bethke will give a patch to those
who treat newbies with more care.

(misc choruses)

Every newbie is useful,
every newbie is fine.
Show them how to beat Rommies
with a mine, and a mine, and a mine. (BOOM!)

Let the pagans kill theirs
on GSA and SL.
Bethke shall strike them down for
each newbie lost in Dyna-Hell.

(misc. choruses and finale)

by Hawkeye

Hawkeye: I never wanted to do this in the first place!
I... I wanted to be... A XenoCorpian!

(naked K'tweety playing piano)
Leaping from ship to ship! As they warp into the systems held by the ISC!
With my fleetmates by my side!
The Kvl!
The Mirak DW!
The Giant Fed BB!
The Hydran Carrier!
The Cute little Kiwi class!
We'd sting! Sting! Sting!

Hawkeye: [singing chorus]
Oh, I'm in XenoCorp, and I'm okay,
I GSA all night and I work all day.

XenoCorp Crew: [singing chorus]
He's in XenoCorp, and he's okay,
He GSA's all night and he works all day.

Hawkeye: I overload ferrets, I void my weasel,
I go to the lavatree.
On Wednesdays I go shoppin'
For my brand new F-BB.

XenoCorp Crew: He overloads ferrets, voids his weasels,
He goes to the lavatree.
On Wednesdays he goes shoppin'
For his Brand New Fed BB.

[XenoCorp Crew singing chorus]

Hawkeye: I overload ferrets, I mizia and alpha,
I like to tractor and drop the hammer.
I put on Mirak Fur-clothes,
And hang around BlackOps Station.

XenoCorp Crew: He overloads ferrets, he mizias and alphas,
He likes to tractor and drop the hammer.
He puts on Mirak Fur-clothes
And hangs around.... BlackOps Station???????

[XenoCorp Crew singing chorus]

Hawkeye: I unload plasma, I have pointy rommie ears,
Suspenders and a R-Xcb.
I wish I'd been a girlie
Just like my dear Admiral Frey.

XenoCorp Crew: He unloads plasma, he has pointy ears
Suspenders and a .... a R-Xcb????
(XenoCorpians break off song, and begin insulting Hawkeye... mumbles of "It's the cheesiest" fly.)

AlienLXIX: (crying) and I thought you were so rugged!

by Hstaphath

Hobbes: Full speed ahead, Mr. 762!

Chorus: Load up, up, up your hellbore. Load up, up, up your hellbore.
Hobbes: [singing]
Overload away!
Chorus: Load up, up, up your hellbore.
Hobbes: [singing]
And balance your ECM.
Chorus: Load up, up, up your hellbore.
Hobbes: [singing]
Overload away!
Chorus: Load up, up, up your hellbore.
Hobbes: [singing]
But manage your energy.
Chorus: Load up, up, up.

XC Hydran Squadron: [singing]
It's fun to cripple an opponent
And fire into him indiscriminately.
To capture, in spades during convoy raids
And run from every drone wave that we see!

It can be fun to launch our fighters.
They'll bring your starbase down to its knees.
It's all quite enjoyable,
Shooting fusion at unshielded hull,
We're firing on the Kingdom's enemies!

Hobbes: Oh this is fun Mr. 762!
762: [singing] Fire away!
Hobbes: Let's giv'em a point-blank Phaser-G salute!
762: [singing] Fire away!
Chorus: Load up, up, up your hellbore.
762: [singing] Fire away!
Chorus: Load up, up, up...
Chorus: Load up, up, up your hellbore.
762: [singing] Fire away!
Chorus: Load up, up, up...
Hobbes: To port! Klingon vessel to port! Shields up to port!
762: [singing] Fire away!
Hobbes: Overload Fusions and set course to port!
762: [singing] Fire away!
Chorus: Load up, up, up your hellbore.
Hobbes: Bring us around to port, I say!
762: [singing] Fire away!
Chorus: Load up, up, up...
Hobbes: Give them another small Phaser-G salute Mr. 762!
762: [singing] Fire away!
Chorus: Load up, up, up your hellbore.
Chorus: Load up, up, up...

Narrator: And so, they flew off into the annals of XenoCorp history, one by one, the far flung empires of the universe crumbling under the might of their overloaded weaponry,... or so it would have been... if only the ruddy way that PPD damage is calculated against fighters had not proved to be... disastrously wrong.

by K'tujHegh

762: 'Evening, Hawkeye!
Hawkeye: (stiffly) Good evening.
762: Is, uh,...Is your wife a goer, eh? Know whatahmean, know whatahmean, nudge nudge, know whatahmean, say no more?

Hawkeye: I, uh, I beg your pardon?
762: Your, uh, your wife, does she go, eh, does she go, eh?
Hawkeye: (flustered) Well, she sometimes 'goes', yes.
762: Aaaaaaaah bet she does, I bet she does, say no more, say no more, know whatahmean, nudge nudge?
Hawkeye: (confused) I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.
762: Follow me. Follow me. That's good, that's good! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat!
Hawkeye: Are you, uh,...are you selling something?
762: SELLING! Very good, very good! Ay? Ay? Ay? (pause) Oooh! Ya wicked Ay! Wicked Ay! Oooh hooh! Say No MORE!
Hawkeye: Well, I, uh....
762: Is, your uh, is your wife a sport, ay?
Hawkeye: Um, she likes sport, yes!
762: I bet she does, I bet she does!
Hawkeye: As a matter of fact she's very fond of cricket.
762: 'Oo isn't? Likes games, eh? Knew she would. Likes games, eh? She's been around a bit, been around?
Hawkeye: She has traveled, yes. She's from Scarsdale. (pause)
762: SAY NO MORE!!
762: Scarsdale, saynomore, saynomore, saynomore, Hawkeye!
Hawkeye: I wasn't going to!
762: Oh! Well, never mind. Dib dib? Is your uh, is your wife interested in....photography, ay? 'Photographs, ay', he asked him knowlingly?
Hawkeye: Photography?
762: Snap snap, grin grin, wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more?
Hawkeye: Holiday snaps, eh?
762: They could be, they could be taken on holiday. Candid, you know, CANDID photography?
Hawkeye: No, no I'm afraid we don't have a camera.
762: Oh. (leeringly) Still, mooooooh, ay? Mwoohohohohoo, ay? Hohohohohoho, ay?
Hawkeye: Look... are you insinuating something?
762: Oh, no, no, no...yes.
Hawkeye: Well?
762: Well, you're a man of the world, Hawkeye.
Hawkeye: Yes...
762: I mean, you've been around a bit, you know, like, you've, uh.... You've 'done it'....
Hawkeye: What do you mean?
762: Well, I mean like,....you've SLEPT, with a lady....
Hawkeye: Yes....
762: What's it like?

by Hstaphath

Alien: Log on GSA and join an XC room with me.
Ferret: I'll log on GSA and join an XC room with you, too.
Alien: I love to envelope torps and pick a fight,
My Gorn Anchor will give you quite a fright.
Ferret: You blow me away!

Ferret: Log on GSA and let my hellbores embrace you.
Alien: I'll log on GSA, and let plasma enwrap you, too.
Ferret: I love to overload and get in tight,
When you get in my FA sight.
Alien: You blow me away!

Alien: Log on GSA and join a 3v3 with me.
Ferret: I'll log on GSA and tvb or ffa with you, too.
Alien: I love to team up with you all night,
We'll help those newbies see the light.
Ferret: We'll blow them away!

Ferret: Log on GSA and let me host the game for you.
Alien: I'll log on GSA, and let you choose the bpv and era, too.
Ferret: Gaming can be fine since we both LXIX!
Alien: If we log on GSA with the XC Crew and play...
Alien and Ferret: Till we're blown away!

by Ggruuk

Hawkeye: 'Ello. I wish to register a complaint.
(762 has his back to the register and does not respond.)
Hawkeye: 'Ello, Miss?
762: (turning around, very angry) What do you mean, "miss"?
Hawkeye: I'm sorry, I have a cold.
(762 nods, understanding.)
Hawkeye: I wish to make a complaint!
762: (hurriedly) Sorry, we're closin' for lunch...!
Hawkeye: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Fed DNH, what I torpedoed not half an hour ago in this very sector.
762: Oh yes, the, ah, the USS Yamoto... What's, ah... W-what's wrong with it?
Hawkeye: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's destroyed, that's what's wrong with it.
762: No, no, it's ah... it's resting.
Hawkeye: Look, matey, I know a dead Fed when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.

762: No no, i-it's not dead, it's, it's restin'!
Hawkeye: Restin'?
762: Y-yeah, restin.' Remarkable ship, the USS Yamoto, isn't it, eh? Beautiful power curve!
Hawkeye: The power curve don't enter into it. It's stone dead!
762: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!
Hawkeye: All right then, if it's resting, I'll wake him up!
(phasoring the derelict)
'Ello, Feddie! Mister Fed Captain! I've got a lovely primitive culture for you if you wake up, Mr. Fed Captain...
(762 tractors the ship)
762: There, he moved!
Hawkeye: No, he didn't, that was you dragging the ship!
762: I never!!
Hawkeye: Yes, you did!
762: I never, never....
(Hawkeye hails the ship and screams into the comm. link.)
Hawkeye: 'ELLO FEDDDDIE! FED-EE! FEDDIE DREADNOUGHT! WAKE UP!

(He slams its hull against an asteroid, horribly hard.)
TESTIIIING! TESTIIIING! THIS IS YOUR NINE-O' CLOCK ALARM CALL!
(He does it again, harder.)
FED-EEEEEEE!
(He releases it near a black hole. Longish pause.)
Now that's what I call a dead ship.
762: No, no.... No, it's stunned.
Hawkeye: STUNNED?
762: Yeah! You stunned it, just as he was powerin' up! DNHs stun easily, major.
Hawkeye: Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That dreadnought is definitely deceased, and when I fought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long vaction.
762: Well, he's... he's, ah... probably pining for Earth.
(Hawkeye looks angrily back and forth, stuttering.)
Hawkeye: PININ' for EARTH? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did it float dead in space the moment I got it out of spacedock?
762: The DNH prefers driftin' on its back! Remarkable ship, isn't it, guv, eh? Lovely power curve!
Hawkeye: (coldly) Look, I took the liberty of examining that dreadnought when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been in that sector in the first place was that it had been TOWED there.
(pause)
762: Well, of course it was towed there! If I hadn't towed that ship, it would have accellerated up to the galactic border, shoved it way through with its little impulse engines, and VOOM!
Hawkeye: "VOOM?"
(Hawkeye tractors the DNH.)
Hawkeye: Look matey, this ship wouldn't "voom" if you put four thousand volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!
762: It's not! I-It's pining!
Hawkeye: It's not pinin,' it's passed on! This ship is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late dreadnought! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't towed him to that sector he would be rusting in a spacedock!
It's engineering processes are of interest only to historians! It's hopped the twig! It's shuffled off this mortal coil! It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This.... is an EX-DREADNOUGHT!
(pause)
762: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(He disappears behind the counter.)
Hawkeye: (turning to camera) If you want to get anything done in this game you've got to complain 'til you're blue in the mouth.
(762 returns.)
762: Sorry guv, we're fresh out of dreadnoughts.
Hawkeye: I see. I see, I get the picture.
762: (quietly) I-I've got a Freighter.
(pause)
Hawkeye: (sweet as sugar) Does it have magic photons?
762: Yes!
Hawkeye: I’ll take it.

by Hstaphath

Gambler: Wow, the things you can buy on eBay these days...
Rat_Boy: Whooaaa! What is she doing with that mortgage?! Look at those incredible... vast... tracks of land.

Gambler: Better post this at the Taldren Forum!
Admin_Ann: Morning!
Gambler: Morning!
Sethan: Well, what've we got today, Ann?
Admin_Ann: Well, there's hot and spicy; cool and refreshing; OT and spam; OT dynaverse and spam; OT dynaverse fan fic and spam; spam dynaverse fan fic and spam; spam OT spam spam dynaverse and spam; spam OT spam spam dynaverse spam models and spam;
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam...
Admin_Ann: ...spam spam spam OT and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam black 9 spam spam spam...
Vikings: Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!
Admin_Ann: ...or we've got a nice set of posts regarding J'inn driving into a large rock after excessively billing someone for damages to his casino which involves a rolling pin wielding person named Kim, several Kzinti, a live chicken, a jar of peach preserves and spam.
Gambler: Have you got anything without spam?
Admin_Ann: Well, there's spam OT dynaverse and spam, that's not got much spam in it.
Gambler: I don't want ANY spam!
Sethan: Why can't Gambler have OT dynaverse spam and fan fic?
Gambler: THAT'S got spam in it!
Sethan: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam OT dynaverse and spam, has it?
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam... (Crescendo through next few lines...)
Gambler: Could you do the OT dynaverse spam and fan fic without the spam then?
Admin_Ann: Urgghh!
Gambler: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Admin_Ann: Shut up!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Admin_Ann: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have OT dynaverse spam and fan fic without the spam.
Gambler: I don't like spam!
Sethan: Sshh, come on Gambler, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it. I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam black 9 spam spam spam and spam!
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Admin_Ann: Shut up!! Spam with black 9 is off.
Sethan: Well could I have Gambler's spam instead of the black 9 spam then?
Admin_Ann: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (the Vikings drown the rest of her words with singing)
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam spam spam!

by K'tujHegh

A man walks into an office.
Frodo: Ah. I'd like to have an "Magic" Photon argument, please.
Sethan: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
Frodo: No, this is my first time.
Sethan: I see. Well, do you want to have the full "Magic" Photon argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Frodo: Well, what would be the cost?
Sethan: Well, It's one pound for a five minute "Magic" Photon argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Frodo: Well, I think it's probably best if I start with the one and then see how it goes from there, okay?
Sethan: Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment.
(Pause)
Sethan: Mr. Overon's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Jase; room 12.
Frodo: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)
Voidwar: WHADDAYOU WANT?
Frodo: Well, Well, I was told outside that...
Voidwar: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF KLINGON DROPPINGS!
Frodo: What?
Voidwar: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS HIT-AND-RUN USING MALODOROUS LOBSTER HEAD!!!
Frodo: Yes, but I came here for an "Magic" Photon argument!!
Voidwar: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!
Frodo: Oh! Oh I see!
Voidwar: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.
Frodo: Oh...Sorry...
Voidwar: Not at all!
Voidwar: (under his breath) stupid git.

(Frodo goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.)
Frodo: Is this the right room for an "Magic" Photon argument?
Jase: I've told you once.
Frodo: No you haven't!
Jase: Yes I have.
Frodo: When?
Jase: Just now.
Frodo: No you didn't!
Jase: Yes I did!
Frodo: You didn't!
Jase: I did!
Frodo: You didn't!
Jase: I'm telling you, I did!
Frodo: You did not!
Jase: Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute "Magic" Photon argument, or the full half hour?
Frodo: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.
Jase: Just the five minutes. Thank you.
Jase: Anyway, I did.
Frodo: You most certainly did not!
Jase: Now let's get one thing quite clear: I most definitely told you!
Frodo: Oh no you didn't!
Jase: Oh yes I did!
Frodo: Oh no you didn't!
Jase: Oh yes I did!
Frodo: Oh no you didn't!
Jase: Oh yes I did!
Frodo: Oh no you didn't!
Jase: Oh yes I did!
Frodo: Oh no you didn't!
Jase: Oh yes I did!
Frodo: Oh no you didn't!
Jase: Oh yes I did!
Frodo: No you DIDN'T!
Jase: Oh yes I did!
Frodo: No you DIDN'T!
Jase: Oh yes I did!
Frodo: No you DIDN'T!
Jase: Oh yes I did!
Frodo: Oh look, this isn't an "Magic" Photon argument!
(pause)
Jase: Yes it is!
Frodo: No it isn't!
(pause)
Frodo: It's just contradiction!
Jase: No it isn't!
Frodo: It IS!
Jase: It is NOT!
Frodo: You just contradicted me!
Jase: No I didn't!
Frodo: You DID!
Jase: No no no!
Frodo: You did just then!
Jase: Nonsense!
Frodo: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!
(pause)
Jase: No it isn't!
Frodo: Yes it is!
(pause)
Frodo: I came here for a good "Magic" Photon argument!
Jase: AH, no you didn't, you came here for a "Magic" Photon argument!
Frodo: A "Magic" Photon argument isn't just contradiction.
Jase: Well! it CAN be!
Frodo: No it can't!
Frodo: A "Magic" Photon argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
Jase: No it isn't!
Frodo: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.
Jase: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!
Frodo: Yes but it isn't just saying 'no it isn't'.
Jase: Yes it is!
Frodo: No it isn't!
Jase: Yes it is!
Frodo: No it isn't!
Jase: Yes it is!
Frodo: No it ISN'T! A "Magic" Photon argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
Jase: It is NOT!
Frodo: It is!
Jase: Not at all!
Frodo: It is!
(The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.)
Jase: Thank you, that's it.
Frodo: (stunned) What?
Jase: That's it. Good morning.
Frodo: But I was just getting interested!
Jase: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.
Frodo: That was never five minutes just now!!
Jase: I'm afraid it was.
Frodo: (leading on) No it wasn't.....
Jase: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
Frodo: WHAT??
Jase: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Frodo: But that was never five minutes just now!
Oh Come on!
Oh this is...
This is ridiculous!
Jase: I told you... I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY!
Frodo: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are.
Jase: Thank you.
Frodo: (clears throat) Well...
Jase: Well WHAT?
Frodo: That was never five minutes just now.
Jase: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
Frodo: Well I just paid!
Jase: No you didn't!
Frodo: I DID!!!
Jase: YOU didn't!
Frodo: I DID!!!
Jase: YOU didn't!
Frodo: I DID!!!
Jase: YOU didn't!
Frodo: I DID!!!
Jase: YOU didn't!
Frodo: I don't want to argue about it!
Jase: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay!
Frodo: Ah hah! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha!
Jase: No you haven't!
Frodo: Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must have paid.
Jase: Not necessarily. I *could* be arguing in my spare time.
Frodo: I've had enough of this!
Jase: No you haven't.
Frodo: Oh shut up!
(Frodo leaves the office)