Narrator: Having escaped the goblin infested tunnels beneath the Misty Mountains, Bilbo Baggins had no trouble finding the well trampled trail left by his companions heading east. After several hours, he arrives at an immense homestead of wooden buildings with neatly fenced fields of horses, beehives, cows, and sheep. It is the home of old Beorn, chieftain of the Beornings, and a man of ursine strength, fiery temper, and an unquenchable hatred of goblins. The demoralized dwarves of Thorin's company have gathered in Beorn's main hall to discuss their current situation.  

Bifur: The ponies?
Fili: Lost.
Loretta: All our baggage?
Oin: Gone.
Bombur: The food?
Nori: Lost.
Thorin: And the burglar?
Balin: Also lost.
Thorin: I now propose that our former fellow adventurer and compatriot be now entered in the quest minutes as a probationary martyr to the cause.
Loretta: I second that, Thorin.
Thorin: Thank you, Bof-- Loretta. On the nod!
[THUMP]
Dwalin: Let us not be downhearted. One total catastrophe like this is just the beginning! Bilbo's glorious death shall unite us all in a--
(Bilbo happily strolls into the room)
Kili: Look out!
Bilbo: Hello? Balin! Thorin!
Thorin: Go away!
Bilbo: Hmmm? Thorin, it's me... Bilbo!
Ori: Get off! Get off-- out of it!
Bilbo: Gloin!
Loretta: Piss off.
Gloin: Yeah, piss off!
Thorin: Bugger off.
Bilbo: Wha--
[BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM]
Dwarves: Ohh...
[BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM]
Dwarves: ...flûk!
[BAM]
Bilbo: Uhh...
Beorn: (yelling in the direction of the front door) Coming!
[BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM]
Beorn: Just a moment!
(Bilbo and the dwarves do a very bad job of hiding in plain sight)
[BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM]
Beorn: My eyes are dim. I cannot see.
Goblin Captain: (reading from a recently revised phrase book) You be Beorn the Bear Man?
Beorn: Yes.
Goblin Captain: We having reason believing you hide members of terrorist organization, Dwarven Front of Erebor.
Beorn: Me? No... I'm just a poor old man. I have no time for those sort. My legs are gray. My ears are gnarled. My eyes are old and bent.
Goblin Captain: Quiet! Silly human. Goblins! Search house.
[STOMP STOMP STOMP]
Goblin Captain: You knowing penalty for harbor criminals?
Beorn: No.
Goblin Captain: Eaten alive.
Beorn: Oh.
Goblin Captain: Nasty, eh?
Beorn: Humph. Could be worse.
Goblin Captain: What you meaning, could be worse?!
Beorn: Well, you could be stabbed.
Goblin Captain: (reads phrase book, but doesn't believe it) Stabbed?! Takes half second. Eaten could lasting hours! Slow horrible death!
Beorn: Well, at least nothing goes to waste.
Goblin Captain: You weird.
[STOMP STOMP STOMP]
Goblin Sergeant: We no finding anything.
Goblin Captain: Do not be worry! You not seeing last of us, weirdo.
Beorn: Big Nose.
Goblin Captain: Watch it!
(grumpily, the goblins leave)
Dwalin: Phew, that was lucky.
Bilbo: I'm sorry, Thorin.
Thorin: Ohhh-- it's all right, then. He's sorry... he's sorry he led an angry goblin horde straight to us. Well, that's all right then, Bilbo. Sit down... have some bread with honey and butter. Make yourself at home.
Bilbo: Thank you! Yes, that would be most wel--
Thorin: You klutz! You stupid, bumbling, useless--
[BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM]
(Bilbo and the dwarves do an even worse job of hiding in plain sight)
Beorn: My legs are old and bent. My ears are grizzled. Yes?
Goblin Captain: There being one place we not looking. Goblins!
Beorn: I'm just a poor old man.
[STOMP STOMP STOMP]
Beorn: My eyesight is bad. My legs are poor. My nose is knackered.
Goblin Captain: You ever seeing anyone being eat alive?
Beorn: Being eaten is a doddle.
Goblin Captain: Do not keeping say that.
[STOMP STOMP STOMP]
Goblin Sergeant: We find spoon.
(the goblin hands his leader a plain wooden spoon)
Goblin Captain: Well done! We being back, oddball.
(the Goblins leave again)
[BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM]
Goblin Captain: Open up door!
Beorn: You haven't given them time to hide!
[BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM]
Beorn: Out the back door, quick!
Thorin: Right, follow me!
[BAM BAM BAM]
Bilbo: What about Mr. Beorn?
Beorn: Oh-- thank you, but don't worry about me. Hehe... I'll hold them off for as long as I can.
[BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM]
(Bilbo and the dwarves rush out the back door of Beorn's hall)
Beorn: (slamming the back door shut) Right... now let me change into something a little more comfortable.
[BAM BAM BAM CRACK-CRACK]
Goblin Captain: Games be over, old man! You telling us where--
[GROOOAARRRR]
Goblins: Aaaarrrgh!!!
(meanwhile, in the back yard, the dwarves huddle to discuss what to do next while Bilbo discovers Gandalf staring at trees)
Bilbo: Gandalf!
Gandalf: Ah, Bilbo! I am very relieved to see you, though I somehow just knew you would show up. How are you?
Bilbo: Better than I was, truly, since I must say it is a joy to be out from under that wretched mountain! Ahhh... aside from what sounds like screaming goblins playing with an angry bear, it is a very lovely day isn't it?
Gandalf: Yes, it is that. I have been preparing for the next leg of our journey, but these 5 fir trees have held my attention for the last few hours.
Bilbo: Oh, really? Uhhh... those-- those are sheep aren't they?
[BAAA-baaa-BAA]
Gandalf: Indeed they are!
Bilbo: I rather thought they were. Only-- well, ummm... what are they doing up in the trees?
Gandalf: A fair question and one that has been much on my mind since we arrived here at Beorn's homestead. It is my considered opinion that they are, oddly enough, nesting.
Bilbo: Nesting?
Gandalf: Yes.
Bilbo: Like birds?
Gandalf: Exactly so. It is my belief that these sheep are laboring under the misconception that they are, in fact, birds. Just observe their behavior... how they have a tendency to hop about the field on their hind legs... or their attempts to fly from tree to tree.
[Baaa-BAAAAA]
[FLAP-FLAP-FLAP]
[THUD]
Gandalf: You will notice that they do not so much fly as... well, plummet.
Bilbo: Why on Middle-earth would they think they are birds?!
Gandalf: Another fair question. One thing we can be sure, of course, is that sheep are not creatures of the air. They have enormous difficulty in achieving even the comparatively simple act of perching, for example.
[BAAA-baaa-BAAAAAA]
[FLAP-FLAP]
[THUMP]
Gandalf: The trouble, however, is that sheep are very dim. Once they get an idea in their heads, there is simply no reasoning with them about it.
Bilbo: But where would they get such an idea from in the first place?
Gandalf: I must confirm this with Beorn, but I believe Wiley started all this-- that one right there. He is that most dangerous of creatures... a clever sheep. He must have realized at some point that a sheep's life consists of standing around for a few months, getting sheared, and then most likely being eaten. It must be quite a depressing prospect for an ambitious sheep.
Bilbo: Well, why don't we just do something about this Wiley one?
Gandalf: ...because of the enormous commercial possibilities of ovine aviation if he succeeds!
Dori: Gandalf! An army of goblins riding on wargs is nearly here!!!
Gandalf: Ah, yes. That would be the reinforcements arriving finally. I don't believe our valiant host will be able to hold off all of them, so our only hope is to fly out of here.
Bilbo: What? Fly... on the sheep?!
Gandalf: Don't be ridiculous! They are hardly ready for that sort of thing... really now. I was thinking of asking my giant northern eagle friends over there to help us out.
Bilbo: Oh.
[BA-baaaaaa-BAAA]
[FLAP-FLAP-FLAP]
[THUD]