Narrator: Within his favorite open air concert hall, Elrond gathers the best musicians in Rivendell together. Their honored task is to memorialize in song the surprising tale of Bilbo Baggins. Harps, mandolins, horns, and elven drums at the ready... Lord Elrond beckons them to begin.

[music]
(to the tune of "It's the End of the World as We Know It" by R.E.M.)
Elrond: (singing)
That's great, it starts with some tea and cake,
A dwarf quest, music played, a hobbit thief is not afraid.
Rain soaked to the bone, morning turns trolls to stone,
Trespass to goblins taken, Gollum's magic ring forsaken,
Riddles will escape bring, answer, pockets, no string.
The dwarves start to clatter with fear of height, moonlight,
Wargs circle fiery breeze surrounding five burning trees,
A wizard chucking pinecones gives them a funny fright.
Eagles are a coming in a hurry with the goblins in a fury,
Screaming for their necks.
Two by two report to Beorn, on bread and honey fed,
Gandalf leaves to head south, fight dread.
Oh no-- in the stream Bombur goes, enchanted doze,
Saved from spider bites, chase the elven lights.
Thranduil serves his own need, lock away the dwarf greed,
Rescue barrels watertight, downriver, Lake-town on the right, right.
Rest and food, on the mend, finally back on track again,
Feeling pretty psyched.
(chorus)
It's the end of Middle-earth as we know it (it's time we had some time alone),
It's the end of Middle-earth as we know it (chicks in chainmail set the tone),
It's the end of Middle-earth as we know it (get Peter Jackson on the phone),
And I feel fine...
Secret door, secret name, dragon wins at guessing game,
Weakness learn, return, Baggins with a golden urn.
Worm raging, men blaming, fire burning, bowman shooting,
Black arrow of fate, Smaug and town incinerate.
Head to mountain, elves join in, look around, look around,
Wall the front door block, blocked, uh-oh!
For compensation men appeal, Thorin says NO DEAL.
A burglar, a burglar, the Arkenstone will find,
Offer dwarves solutions and offer them alternatives,
But they decline.
(chorus x2)
The goblins and wargs arrive, battle armies number five,
Mountain getting overran, eagles spoil Bolg's plan!
Beorn the Bear doesn't fail, Ironfoot and Bärd of Dale,
Victory party, gold for all, cram and beans, BOOM!
Your Tolkienotic, ring-neurotic, slam-dunk end, right? Right!
(chorus x4)
And I feel fine...
I feel fine...

Lobelia: (bursts in) Stop this infernal racket and sod off! I've got a baby trying to sleep here, eh?! Bloody half-elven bards...
Baby Lotho: (crying)
Lobelia: Shut up already.
[SMACK]

To be continued (80 years later) in... Monty Python: Fellowship of the Ring!

I would also highly recommend that you watch Monty Python meets Lord of the Rings.