Narrator: Having made their way to the fiery mountain of Orodruin, Samwise struggles valiantly to carry Frodo to the very entrance of the Sammath Naur... the Chambers of Fire where the One Ring was forged. Entering within, as with Isildur so long ago, all that is left to seal the Dark Lord's doom is but to cast the ring down among the eternally raging fires of the volcano's abyss.

Frodo: On second thought, I think I will keep the ring.
Sam: Pardon?
Frodo: I do not choose to do the task we came here for. The One Ring is mine.
Sam: (thoroughly puzzled) I don't understand what you're saying, Mr. Frodo. This can't be right.
Gollum: (jumping out of the shadows) Wicked masster! Wicked masster cheats us, cheats poor Smeagol-- gollum! Give it to Smeagol, yesss, give the Preciouss to usss!
Sam: Back off, stinker, neither of you should have it. The ring is altogether evil and must be destroyed!
Frodo: So both of you would take it from me?! I really didn't expect some kind of Khandish Inquisition--
[jarring chord]
(a side door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of the Variags enters, flanked by junior Cardinals Biggles and Fang)

Ximinez: Nobody expects the Khandish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise... surprise and fear... fear and surprise. Our two weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency. Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency... and an almost fanatical devotion to the Dark Lord. Our four... no... amongst our weapons... amongst our weaponry... are such elements as fear, surprise-- I'll come in again.
(exit and exeunt)
Frodo: I didn't expect some kind of Khandish Inquisition.
[jarring chord]
(the cardinals burst in again)
Ximinez: Nobody expects the Khandish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to Sauron, and nice red uniforms--
(freeze scene)
Narrator: (with on screen caption) IN THE LATER YEARS OF THE THIRD AGE, TO COMBAT THE RISING TIDE OF SENSIBLE FASHION STYLES AND GOOD DENTAL HYGIENE AMONG HIS ENEMIES, THE DARK LORD SAURON GAVE CARDINAL XIMINEZ (THE VARIAG RULER OF THE LAND OF KHAND) LEAVE TO MOVE WITHOUT LET OR HINDRANCE THROUGHOUT MIDDLE EARTH IN A REIGN OF VIOLENCE, TERROR, AND TORTURE THAT KIDS TODAY THINK MAKES A SMASHING GOOD FILM. THIS WAS THE KHANDISH INQUISITION...
(scene unfreezes)
Ximinez: Now, Frodo Baggins! You are accused of heresy on three counts: heresy by thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and, most obviously, heresy by action. Four counts. Do you confess?
Frodo: I rather didn't understand any of that, actually.
Sam: We're innocent!
Ximinez: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(superimposed caption: DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER)
Biggles: We'll soon change your minds about that!
(superimposed caption: DIABOLICAL ACTING)
Ximinez: Yes! We shall make you understand the error of your ways! Biggles, fetch... The Cushions!
[jarring chord]
(Biggles holds out two ordinary household cushions)
Biggles: Here they are, lord.
Ximinez: Now, hobbit... you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of flossing, reject the clothing fashion trends of the elves... two last chances. Relinquish the ring... three last chances, that's three, and you shall be free... four last chances. You have four last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Frodo: (shrug) I really don't know what you're talking about.
Ximinez: Right! If that's the way you want it... Cardinal! Poke him with the soft cushions!
(Biggles ruthlessly pokes Frodo with the cushions)
Ximinez: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles: It doesn't seem to be hurting him, lord.
Ximinez: Have you got all the stuffing up one end?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez: (angrily hurling away the cushions) Hmmm! This halfling is made of sterner stuff! Cardinal Fang, fetch... The Comfy Chair!
[jarring chord]
Fang: (horrified) The-- the... Comfy Chair?
(Biggles pushes in a really plush comfy chair)
Ximinez: So you think you are strong because you can survive the soft cushions? Well, we shall see. Biggles, put him in the Comfy Chair!
(Frodo is roughly pushed into the Comfy Chair)
Ximinez: (with a cruel leer) Now... you will stay in the Comfy Chair until lunch time with only a cup of tea at eleven. (aside to Biggles) Is that really all it is?
Biggles: Yes, lord.
Ximinez: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, hobbit. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!
Biggles: I confess!
Ximinez: Not you!
(Gandalf bursts in)
Gandalf: No, no, NO-- stop at once! This is silly.
Ximinez: What's silly?

Gandalf: The whole premise is silly and it's very badly written. I'm the senior Istari at hand and I should already be rescuing Frodo and Sam with the help of the giant eagles I just parked outside. You've wasted far to much time with this nonsense, so I'm stopping it.
Ximinez: You can't do that!
Gandalf: I've done it. The Inquisition scene is over.
Biggles: But please, sir, what if we promise to hurry things along a bit?
Gandalf: Look, I simply can NOT be arsed... your parts are over, so get out of shot. Good. Director! Close up. Zoom in on--
(camera starts to zoom in on Gandalf)
Gandalf: Wait for it!
(camera zooms back out)
Gandalf: Right. Zoom in on Frodo and Gollum.
(camera zooms in)
Gandalf: (off screen) That's better.
Ximinez: (off screen) The general public's not going to understand this, are they?
Gandalf: (off screen) Shut up! Now, let's see here... quick version. Frodo puts on the ring.
Frodo: (invisible) The ring is mine forever! Muwahaha! Top of the world, ma! All shall love me and despair!
Sam: (off screen) Are there honestly any fangirls left that don't?
Gandalf: (off screen) Shhh! But Gollum manages to grab hold of Frodo and bite off the finger wearing the Ring.
Frodo: Ow!!! That bloody damn well hurt!
Gandalf: (off screen) Unfortunately for Gollum, his crazed victory dance causes him to topple right over the brink of the chasm and into the fiery depths of Orodruin.
Gollum: (oblivious and gleefully happy) Precious! My Preciousss, O my Pre--
[sploit]
(a short deathly silent pause and then, suddenly, Orodruin erupts in violent catastrophic fury)
Gandalf: That's that, then. Time to go!
(the giant eagles Gwaihir and Landroval fly off carrying Gandalf and the two hobbits to safety)
Biggles: (off screen) Those wankers just up and left us here!
Fang: (off screen) I call "dibs" on dying in the comfy chair.
Ximinez: (off screen) Well, I must admit I didn't expect this.