[music]
In zis tale, what is my fate?
In zis game of power I'm trapped on ze board,
What's ze point of all zese jokes?
For thousands, zis tale is a lifelong dream,
So, is ze Ring-- ze Ring, is it near?
XenoCorp (XC) Pictures
J.R.R. Tolkien's: Return of the King
J.R.R. Tølkiën's: Rëtursøn uv den Kungån Written by:
|
| Scene 1: A Journey to Remember
Narrator: Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee continue their arduous journey, their encounter with Faramir long behind them. Tempers and wits start to fray as the water and food supply becomes critically low. With each step, the creature Gollum, once known long ago as Smeagol, leads them closer to Mordor... and into a deadly trap.
Sam: I hate to complain, Mr. Frodo, but Gollum's singing to himself is pushing me past my breaking point.
Narrator: Hiding under a dense cover of trees and brush, Frodo, Sam, and Gollum cower as a foul winged horror flies overhead bearing a dread ring-wraith. The screeching of the flying beast and the Nazgul's cries of "Ni!" eventually fade in the distance.
Gollum: Come on, master. The nasssty flying one is gone-- Gollum-gollum! We must move fast, yesss, we must!
Frodo: No way!
|
|
Scene 2: Pippin and the Palantir Narrator: Dark shapes move in the night. Two slight figures, barely perceptible amongst the darkness of the moon cast shadows, make their way through a sleeping camp of Rohirrim towards some secret goal. Muffled Voice: Hehe--
Muffled Voice: Shhh, shhh! Narrator: Having attained their prize, the two furry footed pranksters plot their next course of action. Pippin: Oh, I know! Let's call for Mr. I. P. Freely this time.
Merry and Pippin: Nothin'!
Sauron: Ah-hah! Now I've got you!
Narrator: Thinking quickly, Gandalf knocks Pippin away from the seeing-stone. Slowly, the fire from within the Palantir fades to an impenetrable black once more. A crowd of anxious Rohirrim, roused from uneasy slumber by Pippin's screams, has gathered around the scene of the commotion. Merry: Pippin!!!
(a dark shadow seems to pass from Pippin's eyes)
|
|
Scene 3: The Muster of Røhän Narrator: The rapid departure of Gandalf further amplifies the anxiety of the Rohirrim mustering at Dunharrow. The great epic battle of this age draws near at hand and Theoden King vows to equip and train every man of Rohan capable of holding a spear or sword. Theoden: Our time to prepare grows short, Gamling. When the time comes to depart, we will not be waiting for any stragglers.
(Theoden passes by a group of young Rohirrim training for battle)
(all of the Rohirrim sigh loudly)
Theoden: That's very kind of you, dear little Holbytlan, but wouldn't that... leave you rather unprotected?
|
|
Scene 4: Mordor Unleashed Narrator: On the east side of the river Anduin, in the blasted misshapen ruins of once proud Osgiliath, Sauron marshals his forces for the assault on the world of men. Orcs: (talking and mumbling)
Guthakug: The command is given! There's no way out of it. We attack.
You don't have to dress fancy.
Young Orcs: Every orc is hideous.
Narrator: Arriving at Minas Tirith, Gandalf and Pippin notice the fires on the eastern horizon raging up from Orodruin. Seeing the billowing clouds of dark smoke pouring forth into the sky and spreading towards them, they pause for a moment to contemplate just what this dread omen foretells. Gandalf: It would appear we have arrived just in time.
|
|
Narrative Interlude: Eldar Na Rata Abad! Narrator: With the coming of the dawn, word spreads of another addition to the Rohirrim encampment at Dunharrow. A contingent of elves has arrived from Rivendell with urgent business concerning Aragorn. Elrond: We have brought you your sword.
Audience Members Who Read The Books: It's about ruddy damn time, isn't it?!
Elrond: Whatever, I'm just glad to finally have Arwen stop nagging me, "give him the sword of the King, father... what about now, your smith's aren't even doing anything... can you give him the sword now... he needs the sword... can you have the sword reforged and given to him... if he is ever going to be King, he needs the sword... can he have the sword yet... what about now, can you have the sword reforged now?!"
Narrator: Meanwhile, Glorfindel finally finds a way to get into this tale when he ends up leading an elven security patrol around the perimeter of Elrond's large meeting tent. Rounding a corner, Glorfindel catches the dwarf Gimli painting "ELDAR NA RATA ABAD!" on one of the thick external walls of Elrond's luxurious tent. Glorfindel: What's this, then? Eldar na rata adab? "People-of-the-Stars towards their path the building?"
(several hours later, Gimli has finished painting "EDHIL BADO NA MÂR!" one hundred times... covering the outside walls all around Elrond's tent with the phrase in the process)
Gimli: Oh. Mmm! Finished!
Narrator: The elves of the house of Elrond proceed to chase the highly motivated Gimli throughout the ancient fortifications of Dunharrow for most of the afternoon and evening. Finally, while Gimli is cleverly disguised as a snoring pile of mop rags in a remote broom closet, Elrond calls off the hunt for the vertically challenged graffiti vandal on the basis that Gimli had amazingly managed to at least spell all the elvish words correctly.
|
|
Scene 5: Paths of the Dead Narrator: Leaving the encampment of Rohirrim at Dunharrow in the misty early twilight before dawn, three figures swiftly make their way along an ancient and dread trail. It is Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas... they have taken the back way out of Dunharrow and travel upon the Paths of the Dead. No one in the recorded history of Middle Earth has traveled these paths and survived to tell the tale. In all actuality, only one poor blighter, named Baldor, was mad enough to ever give it a go. Legend has it that it was done on a dare after a few to many pints at a pub in Medusëld, but that is another story entirely.
Legolas: I can understand why Gimli would take such a path as this after his misguided incident with Elrond's tent, but please remind me why it is that WE are going this way, Aragorn?
Narrator: Passing through a narrow glen, the three companions come upon a massive door in a sheer wall of rock. Ancient and evil looking runes surround the entryway in dire warnings decrying "fayme aynd fortunne," but there is no other course... in they must go. Minutes crawl by as if hours in these caverns far from the warmth of the sun here beneath the earth. Cold... dark... the sputtering of the torches and the trickling of water... whisperings in the shadows. Our trio realizes they are not alone. Legolas: Shapes... there in the darkness.
Ghostly Man: Hello there!
Narrator: Try as they might, Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas had no real hope of outrunning the massive crowd of undead following them. They are finally surrounded once more at a hill where sits a great globe of unearthly stone. Aragorn: Go away!
Narrator: As Aragorn, Gimli, and Legolas continue on their journey, the army of dead showbiz careers follow. What few inhabitants there are in such places as Lamedon and Ciril flee before the horrific sight of undead. Legolas: So much for getting to Gondor unnoticed.
|
|
Scene 6: La Charge Futile Narrator: With the forces of Mordor on the move, Denethor the 2nd, the Ruling Steward of Gondor, makes plans in the high Tower of Ecthelion to unleash his secret weapon. The sudden arrival of Gandalf and the halfling Peregrin Took in Minas Tirith comes as an unwelcome frustration to the aging Steward who holds Gandalf responsible for the loss of Boromir, the elder and favored of his two sons.
Faramir: My lord, Osgiliath is overrun!
Denethor: And why should my halls be unfit for your song?!
Pippin: You know, "pretty carnally" just doesn't do all this justice.
|
|
Narrative Interlude: Siege of Gondor
Narrator: With the failure of Faramir's charge, the horde of Sauron was all but unstoppable. Only the Rammas Echor, the outer defense works of Minas Tirith, stood in their way. With only the slightest of pauses in the advance, the Rammas, which had been constructed and maintained at great effort and cost, was blasted open far and wide.
Denethor: Doomed, I tell you! We are all going to burn--
Narrator: It was at this point that Pippin noticed that a long line of people had formed to "help" the delirious Steward of Gondor. There were at least two dozen men of the Tower Guards, a constipated looking nun, 3 Klingons, several audience members, a group of Vikings, the entire cast of Only Fools and Horses, and a foreign looking knight with a rubber chicken.
[smash]
|
|
Scene 7: The Stairs of Cirith Ungol Narrator: Following Gollum up the treacherous secret path of Cirith Ungol, Frodo and Sam climb up endless broken steps and past yawning chasms until finally reaching a cleft between two jagged peaks at the very summit of the Ephel Duath.
Gollum: (mumbling to himself) Yesss... so close now, ssso close. Narrator: Spending the night in the sparse shelter of a narrow crevasse overlooking the ghastly city of Minas Morgul, Frodo wakes in good spirits despite the increasing heaviness of his burden. The creature Gollum is also in surprisingly good humor now that he has his charges on the very doorstep of his carefully planned trap. Gollum: Soon, Preciousss, soon you will be Smeagol's again and the nasssty sstupid hobbitses will be dead-- Gollum-gollum!
Frodo: Good Morning, Sam.
(Frodo tosses Sam down the dizzyingly steep stairs of Cirith Ungol)
Frodo: What a senseless waste of time... and life.
|
|
Scene 8: Shelob's Lair Narrator: With Sam out of the way, Gollum has no difficulty leading Frodo into the ominous passages and caverns of Torech Ungol... the Spider's Lair. It is here that the last of the Great Spiders of Middle Earth has made her den. Shelob, the last of the legendary Ungoliant's brood to survive, was visited by Gollum once before and a bargain of sorts had been made. Gollum: This way, master, thisss way. Mussst hurry now-- Gollum-gollum!
Narrator: As for Sauron, he happily tolerates the giant spider inhabiting this remote pass into his realm. Many are the orcs that are devoured by Shelob's unquenchable thirst, but Sauron has minions to spare and she does a better job guarding his land than any of his expendable servants can manage. Still, the drain on the army of Minas Morgul has strained the ability of the Witch King, the dread leader of the Nazgul who say "Ni," to wage war on Gondor. With Sauron's permission, the Witch King has commissioned a group from Haradriwood to create the second ever Mordor Orc Instructional Service Film. The first one, "How Not to Kill Yourself With Your Own Weapon" wiped out an entire orc clan during its making nearly a thousand years ago and, sadly, hasn't led to any noticeable decrease in orc accidental fatalities since. However, desperate times call for desperate measures and the order is given.
Voice Over: In this film, Sauron hopes to show you worthless gits how not to be seen. This is Corporal Ufthak of Cirith Ungol, Tower Garrison, 2nd Recon Company, 3rd Squad. He can not be seen. Now I am going to ask him to stand up. Corporal Ufthak, will you stand up please?
Sam: Gilthoniel A Elbereth!
Sam: Wake up, Mr. Frodo! Oh, wake up, Frodo. Wake up!
|
|
Narrative Interlude: Denethor's Madness Narrator: With the city besieged in a ring of foes, the Rammas broken, all the Pelennor abandoned to the enemy, and his only surviving son about to die from wounds after being sent forth on a foolish sortie at his command, the last remaining slim thread of Denethor's sanity snaps. With a confused Pippin standing watch nearby, Denethor begins to build a funeral pyre out of Faramir's bed. Denethor: We must burn. All of us must burn. Only through flame will I find sanctuary. No tomb! No tomb for Denethor and Faramir... we will burn like heathen kings of old!
Narrator: Pippin managed to find Gandalf and Beregond of the Citadel Guard just in the nick of time. Bursting in on Denethor just as he was about to set himself and his unconscious son Faramir aflame. Gandalf: Stay this madness!
Hedgehog: Denethor?
Hedgehog: Denethor? Denethor? Denethor?
|
|
Scene 9: Regarding Furry Footed Blue Things Narrator: The silent watchers of Cirith Ungol are uneasy. Something has slipped... spies are feared to be on the Stairs! The command is given for double vigilance and patrols are sent from Cirith Ungol and Minas Morgul to Torech Ungol.
Narrator: Arriving at the scene of Sam's encounter with Shelob, Gorbag and his group of orcs from Minas Morgul meet up with Shagrat's patrol from Cirith Ungol. Together, they find a prize worthy of Lugburz, Sauron's fortress of Barad-dur in the black speech. Elvish, but undersized it looks. A midget? No... a halfling? Yes-- a hobbit! Quickly, the orcs move to take their discovery to the Tower of Cirith Ungol for safekeeping. Samwise Gamgee, barely avoiding detection, follows close behind. Gorbag: Hey Shagrat, I wish to register a complaint.
Narrator: Flying into a homicidal rage, Samwise Gamgee, the gentle gardener from the Shire, slaughters over twenty orcs within mere seconds. Only a badly wounded Shagrat, clutching Bilbo's old mithril shirt taken from Frodo, manages to escape the massacre. Shagrat: He was a mighty warrior of vengeful doom, I'm telling you! Eight feet tall at least with a stinging sword of blue flame! He must be one of those bloody handed elves or maybe a filthy tark like those cursed brothers Boromir and Faramir! Run for your lives minions of Mordor! Run!!!
|
|
Scene 10: Battle of the Pelennor Fields Narrator: All hope was fading for the defenders of Minas Tirith. A mighty battering ram enchanted by dark magic was breaking through the supposedly impregnable gates of the city while the outer walls were being overrun. Just as the city began to fall to Sauron's horde, a sound was heard from the north that neither besieger nor defender expected to hear... the wildly blowing battle horns of Rohan.
Theoden: Arise! Arise, Riders of Theoden! The enemy is at the very gates of our ally and our lands are to be next! This shall be our day, a red day ere the sun rises! Ride now! Ride now to Gondor!
Narrator: Roaring like a breaker foaming to the shore, the Rohirrim rode to battle. All manner of orcs, Easterlings, Southrons, and Haradrim were driven and slaughtered before them. Clearing the northern half of the Pelennor of Sauron's forces and reaching the great Causeway Road that runs from the gate of Minas Tirith to the river, King Theoden calls the knights of his house to him. Theoden: To me! To me, Eorlingas!
Narrator: Tragically, it was at this moment that the dread witch-king, chief servant of Sauron, and head Nazgul Who Says "Ni" crashed the large putrid winged creature that is his steed down on King Theoden. Head Nazgul: You dumb oversized bat-- Ni! I said "go, go" not "whoa, whoa!" Narrator: Seeing the Nazgul's attack, a young Rohirrim changes direction toward where Theoden lays. Leaping from the saddle, the fearless knight moves to defend the King's body. The knight's horse, Windfola, continues galloping right past the Nazgul's foul smelling mount... giving no notice to the halfling clinging to it's saddle. Eowyn: Begone foul dwimmerlaik, lord of carrion! Leave the dead in peace!
Head Nazgul: Stupid prophecy anyway... you may have a point, but there is one small problem.
Eowyn: Well, it is a wonder you made it back to me.
Narrator: With King Theoden avenged by the demise of the Head Nazgul Who Says "Ni," the situation went from bad to worse for the army of Minas Morgul. Prince Imrahil led a sortie from the city with every man of Minas Tirith still able to bear arms. However, it was the unexpected arrival of a fleet of black Umbarian ships filled with Aragorn's army of dead showbiz careers that would cast the final spell of disaster for the forces of Mordor. Aragorn: Listen, friends. Do you see all those ugly people over there that would never possibly get top billing? Acting critics... the whole lot of them!
Narrator: The undead army proved very adept at overwhelming the war-beasts of the Haradrim... much to the happy relief of the Rohirrim and Gondorians that were getting stomped on by them. Of particular note, in an amazing display of elven dexterity and audacity, Legolas managed to single handedly bring down one of the giant Mumakils himself.
Legolas: (sliding down the dying Oliphaunt's trunk) Yabba dabba doo!
|
|
Narrative Interlude: An Interview With C.J.R. Tolkien Narrator: Picture for Schools featuring Christopher John Reuel Tolkien, take seventeen.
[clack]
[slam]
|
|
Scene 11: Lunch Reservations Narrator: With victory on the fields of the Pelennor, the great Captains of the West meet to discuss their next move.
Gandalf: We must gather what forces we may and advance against Mordor. There is no other option. Our one frail chance lies in keeping the Eye from seeing his true peril. Whether in wisdom, folly, or drunken delirium brought on by Elrond's best wine, the plain fact is that the One Ring has been sent into the very heart of Sauron's realm. We must follow the path set before us as we must trust that Frodo and Sam are doing the same. I personally believe we will all undoubtedly perish in this diversion. Nonetheless, we must go on as we have begun.
Narrator: Moving with amazing speed and order, Aragorn led the host of the West from the city to the Black Café of Mordor in a mere 10 days. The fact that those without horses ran nearly the whole distance certainly helped.
Narrator: On a side note, the only man of noble birth left in all of Minas Tirith was the badly wounded Faramir who, coincidentally, was placed in the room next to Eowyn's in the houses of healing. Eowyn: (whispering softly) Hello handsome... I understand you are the new Steward of Gondor, yes?
Faramir: Who-- Where-- What are you doing?!
Narrator: Arriving at the Black Café, Gandalf was relieved to hear that Aragorn had thought ahead and used the palantir to call for reservations. Maitre D: Ah, good afternoon, monsieurs, and welcome to ze Restaurante Morannoni. How are we today?
(later) [saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw]
[CRASH]
|
|
Scene 12: Expecting the Unexpected Narrator: Having made their way to the fiery mountain of Orodruin, Samwise struggles valiantly to carry Frodo to the very entrance of the Sammath Naur... the Chambers of Fire where the One Ring was forged. Entering within, as with Isildur so long ago, all that is left to seal the Dark Lord's doom is but to cast the ring down among the eternally raging fires of the volcano's abyss.
Frodo: On second thought, I think I will keep the ring.
Ximinez: Nobody expects the Khandish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise... surprise and fear... fear and surprise. Our two weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency. Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency... and an almost fanatical devotion to the Dark Lord. Our four... no... amongst our weapons... amongst our weaponry... are such elements as fear, surprise-- I'll come in again.
Gandalf: The whole premise is silly and it's very badly written. I'm the senior Istari at hand and I should already be rescuing Frodo and Sam with the help of the giant eagles I just parked outside. You've wasted far to much time with this nonsense, so I'm stopping it.
|
|
Scene 13: Charge! Narrator: Drums roll as all the doors of the Dark Lord's Restaurante Morannoni are thrown open. Rapidly, the dread waitrons of the Black Café stream forth to surround the upstart Army of the West. Out of the gathering black clouds overhead, the eight remaining Nazgul Who Say "Ni" arrive on their foul winged beasts to join in the anticipated coming slaughter.
Aragorn: (looking around desperately) Where in blazes has Gandalf gone off to?!
Narrator: It was at that moment Sauron's doom struck home. Sauron: I can't believe I didn't see this com-- Ulk!
Narrator: The ground shook and buckled as if an overwhelming wave roared and crashed throughout all of Mordor. The mighty feasting rooms of Restaurante Morannoni tottered and caved in. Even the renowned al fresco dining area crumbled apart as the Black Café collapsed in total ruin. Beyond, in the far distance, vast spires of fire leaped from Mount Doom while the mighty fortress of Barad-dur was torn asunder. Maitre D: Ze Café is gone! C'est impossible... mes amis, save what you can!
[music stops]
Officer Carr: Back. Right away. Just... pull it off. Come on. Come along.
[crash]
(meanwhile, flying past high above) Frodo: So, the quest is finally at an end and there is one bloody hell of a mess to clean up. What else could possibly happen to us now?
|
|
Narrative Conclusion: Appendix G Narrator: The appendixes at the conclusion of the Red Book of Westmarch go on aimlessly about ancient royal lineages, contradictory chronologies, the extended family tree of every hobbit that managed to be at Bilbo's eleventy-first birthday party, comparative calendar systems, and an exhaustive discussion of the proper pronunciation and grammar of nearly every language used in Middle Earth. Rather than ramble our way through all that drivel in this re-telling, let us skip straight ahead to what all of you really want to know. Namely, what became of the nine companions that comprised the Fellowship of the Ring after the successful completion of their quest. Please note that, since this is an appendix, we shall go about it alphabetically to show no favoritism or displeasure, actual or implied, of a particular member of the Fellowship.
Merry: Wait-- WAIT! This can't be the end... I haven't gotten to do a musical number yet!
You're so near to Isen,
You're so sadly neglected,
Your horses so swift,
Your horses so swift,
Pippin: Humph. Feel better now?
James Haines: You know, I'd just like to say that there are many people in the world today who, through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane later in their lives. It is up to people like me and anyone crazy enough to have got through all this, since we are obviously out of our tiny little minds, to try and help these people overcome their sanity. You can start in small ways with ping-pong ball eyes and a funny voice and then you can paint half of your body purple and the other half green and then you can jump up and down like a sugar-high ferret in a bowl of treacle going "Poing, Poing, Poing" and then you can go "Ni! Ni!" and then you can roll around on the floor going "Eowyn, Arwen, Eowyn, Arwen" or--
Ximinez: Two-- errr, three to XenoCorp please.
Ximinez: Oh bugger!
|
Please contact Hstaphath (AKA: James Haines) with any comments/suggestions/questions you may have.
