My Three Mistakes

Last night I made three mistakes. Now each one of them, alone, was not that bad. But in combination, well, let's just say it was hideous.

It all started at Shop Rex's house. Now Shopasaurus Rex (SR) lives in your standard suburban development. Single Family homes as far as the eye can see. Minivans. Tricycles. Nosey Neighbors. The usual.

So after a long day of shopping we came back to her house. I was planing on doing the usual with her. Yup that's right. I was going to sit in the recliner, watch TV, and drink beer while she did whatever it is girls do around the house.

So there I am watching the news when all of a sudden I hear her call me from upstairs. You know the call . . . The call of something is wrong and you really don't want to know about it.

So I do the usual. I ignore it. A few moments pass and I hear a blood curdling scream and the sound of a 110 lb woman running full speed down the upstairs hallway and then down the stairs.

Okay. So this isn't good. So I jump up and meet her at the bottom of the stairs. She's breathless and her eyes are wide with fear. "There is an animal in the bedroom!!" she gasps.

"So what makes you think that?" I say.

"I heard it!" She yells.

So then I made . . .

Mistake #1

I decided to go investigate. I go up the stairs and into the bedroom. All the while I'm thinking "Girls! Sheesh! It's probably a shutter swinging in the wind." So I stand in the bedroom for a second and then I hear it. The unmistakable sound of something alive and not exactly human thrashing about in the closet.

Being the tough guy I am, I immediately haul arse down the stairs!!

"WHAT IS IT" She yells!

"Erm, I dunno!" I say. Maybe a rat.

"OH NOOOOOOOO!!" She wails.

"Hey I can just call animal control, they'll come out in the morning and . . . "

"The morning!! I can't have that thing in my house all night! What kind of man are you? Get it out!" She growled.

Well my manhood had been challenged. And heck I had watched Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. I could handle this. So I immediately came up with a plan. A plan worthy of the man. Marlon Perkins. I just wished I had a Jim to do the dirty work.

So I grabbed a broom (the implement of choice of all household hunting men) and ordered SR to open the front door. A certain varmint was going outside.

And then I made . . .

Mistake #2

I went back upstairs.

Slowly I opened the closet door wider. It was packed to the gills with clothing of course. And being that it was about 11:00 PM it was kinda dark. So I started to probe with the broom handle just as SR walked up behind me and grabbed my arm. I screamed.

"Don't do that!!" I yelled.

She ignored me. "Did you see it yet?"

"No, not yet, now get back downstairs and watch the door. We don't need anything else coming in." I ordered.

So off she went to man the doorway while I continued probing.

I stuck the handle in several time and nada. Suddenly I heard a sound like I had never heard before in my life. I high pitched growling shriek! Then I heard another odd sound. A whimpering whine. Of course I was a tad miffed when I realized it came from me, so I probed with gusto. No varmint was getting the better of J'inn!!

And then it happened. The clothes erupted and out shot a grey ball of fur. A RAT!! A RABID MAN EATING FACE RIPPING OFF RAT!!!

I swung the broom like Willie Mays on ten cups of coffee as the grey blur flew around the room and shot out the door. I looked out the door just in time to see a fluffy grey tail speeding down the hallway.

A squirrel!! A stupid squirrel!! I thought. That ain't no rat.

So super squirrel decided to fly down the stairs with me, the now great white hunter (hey it wasn't a rat) in hot pursuit with broom held high.

Well now the front door is right at the bottom of the stairs. And so was SR. She took one look at super squirrel and screamed the most terrifying scream I have ever heard. Now of course Mr. Squirrel wasn't fond of this and instead of turning left to go outside, he turned right and sped into the living room as SR did a 180 and ran into the kitchen. Screaming the whole way.

Now you have to understand a few things here. SR's foyer (where the front door is) living room, dining room and kitchen, are all connected in the form of a big circle. So I hit the bottom of the stairs, turned right, and chased that squirrel right through the living room, through the dinning room, and into the kitchen.

Now this of course meant that he had to run right by SR again. So right on cue she hit a high note that must have stunned every dog in the neighborhood as she jumped up on a kitchen chair.

Well the squirrel ran around and out of the kitchen and right past the front door WITHOUT going outside. Stupid Squirrel. Oh no, he just turns left and begins another lap around the house with me in hot pursuit.

Well around and around we went. With each trip through the kitchen causing SR to scream bloody murder.

Now it was really cold outside. And it was late at night. It's amazing how loud sounds, oh say like those of a woman screaming HELLLLPPPPPPPP GET OUT OF HERE HELLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPP, will travel.

Now by about the fifth lap I was starting to get a little crabby. So her screams accompanied by me screaming various obscenities at her along with me yelling GET OFF THAT DAMN CHAIR AND STAND BY THE DOOR SO YOU CAN SHOO HIM OUT!!!

Well she listened to me a little because on lap 12 through the kitchen both I and Squirrel Racer noticed that she was in fact off the chair. I was a tad worried that the kitchen table would break with her standing on it, but I had bigger fish to fry.

So then I tried a little violence. While chasing him through the living room I knocked over the coffee table, pillows, knick knacks whatever to try and slow him down on the next lap.

Gosh it's amazing how agile squirrels are!! He just hopped over everything while I now had to dodge and leap over my own obstacle course. This of course resulted in more yelling from me, but that was cool. SR was getting hoarse so I need to pick up the slack.

Then I found out that she was just resting up to let out a final burst of expletives aimed at my inability to get that damn squirrel to turn right at corner 4 and not left!

Then in a burst of genius, I realize that given our counter clockwise path that the squirrel might not be getting a good view of the door. So I stop and reverse course.

There I was standing just behind the door in my best hockey goalie's pose as Squirrelzilla started to round turn number three. Now sadly for the squirrel, turn number three was in the kitchen. A kitchen with a tile floor. A slippery tile floor. So right at the apex of the turn he sees me and looses his concentration. Imagine his surprise when his rear feet lost traction!

With rear paws flying madly, he spun out and crashed right into the wall. I saw my chance and charged, but he shook it off too fast and shot back out the other end. Dammit!!

So I turned around and decide to try and cut him off again. I HAD to stop the circuit. I had to get him to think outside the loop and then, maybe, just maybe, he would look at the door!

So I entered the living room at full speed . . . And tripped over the coffee table. Odd the thoughts that go through one's mind when one finds them self unexpectantly airborne. Of course they come to a screeching halt when you slam chest first onto the carpet.

So there I was. The sound of SR's distant wail in my ears. A wad of Nylon double plush shag in my mouth. And a very angry squirrel standing just a few feet away from me.

Now I have no idea what he was thinking. He came to a complete stop and just looked at me. Now my face was right down on the floor. Right at his level. We looked at each other. Our eyes met.

Time slowed to a trickle. SR stopped screaming. The cold winter wind blew. And the door creaked in the distance. Both of us knew one thing. One of us would not live to see the morning sun. And Mr. Squirrel was a survivor!!

His eyes narrowed. I started to get up. Then he crouched and leapt right at me. OH LORD!!! I thought A MAULING ATTACK!!! MOMMMMMYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

I swung my arms over my head and prepared for the worst. But The Squirrelanator has other ideas. He flew over me, landed behind me, and high tailed it right out the door.

Laying on the floor. Thinking of how I had narrowly escaped death once again, I said a little prayer and looked around at the destruction.

Well . . . For the next few minutes I went around the house with a roll of paper towels. It seems, you see, that squirrels do everything they can when running for dear life to reduce ballast for extra speed. There was squirrel poop everywhere.

So there I am. A paper towel full of stinky squirrel poop. SR bitching about the damage. When we hear a knock at the door.

It's the police and they are not too happy. For you see the neighbors had heard SR screaming bloody murder in the middle of the night. They had heard me screaming and cussing at her. They had heard her yelling "Stop throwing my furniture!!"

Well, they were ready to kick butt to say the least.

So she opens the door and they see furniture strewn everywhere. Me still breathing hard and bleeding from my leg where I hit the table. It was a real COPS moment.

So in they come and start asking why I had been hitting her!!! She starts saying it was a squirrel and explaining the chase. They, for SOME ODD REASON, didn't seem to believe any of it.

So I got mad and . . . Made . . .

Mistake #3

I informed the police that I was a lawyer and that I knew my rights and blah blah blah.

Boy they were not amused at all . . .

An hour later, they finally left. The neighbors still look at me funny however.