by K'tujHegh

A man walks into an office.
Frodo: Ah. I'd like to have an "Magic" Photon argument, please.
Sethan: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
Frodo: No, this is my first time.
Sethan: I see. Well, do you want to have the full "Magic" Photon argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
Frodo: Well, what would be the cost?
Sethan: Well, It's one pound for a five minute "Magic" Photon argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Frodo: Well, I think it's probably best if I start with the one and then see how it goes from there, okay?
Sethan: Fine. I'll see who's free at the moment.
(Pause)
Sethan: Mr. Overon's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Jase; room 12.
Frodo: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)
Voidwar: WHADDAYOU WANT?
Frodo: Well, Well, I was told outside that...
Voidwar: DON'T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF KLINGON DROPPINGS!
Frodo: What?
Voidwar: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS HIT-AND-RUN USING MALODOROUS LOBSTER HEAD!!!
Frodo: Yes, but I came here for an "Magic" Photon argument!!
Voidwar: OH! Oh! I'm sorry! This is abuse!
Frodo: Oh! Oh I see!
Voidwar: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.
Frodo: Oh...Sorry...
Voidwar: Not at all!
Voidwar: (under his breath) stupid git.

(Frodo goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.)
Frodo: Is this the right room for an "Magic" Photon argument?
Jase: I've told you once.
Frodo: No you haven't!
Jase: Yes I have.
Frodo: When?
Jase: Just now.
Frodo: No you didn't!
Jase: Yes I did!
Frodo: You didn't!
Jase: I did!
Frodo: You didn't!
Jase: I'm telling you, I did!
Frodo: You did not!
Jase: Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute "Magic" Photon argument, or the full half hour?
Frodo: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.
Jase: Just the five minutes. Thank you.
Jase: Anyway, I did.
Frodo: You most certainly did not!
Jase: Now let's get one thing quite clear: I most definitely told you!
Frodo: Oh no you didn't!
Jase: Oh yes I did!
Frodo: Oh no you didn't!
Jase: Oh yes I did!
Frodo: Oh no you didn't!
Jase: Oh yes I did!
Frodo: Oh no you didn't!
Jase: Oh yes I did!
Frodo: Oh no you didn't!
Jase: Oh yes I did!
Frodo: Oh no you didn't!
Jase: Oh yes I did!
Frodo: No you DIDN'T!
Jase: Oh yes I did!
Frodo: No you DIDN'T!
Jase: Oh yes I did!
Frodo: No you DIDN'T!
Jase: Oh yes I did!
Frodo: Oh look, this isn't an "Magic" Photon argument!
(pause)
Jase: Yes it is!
Frodo: No it isn't!
(pause)
Frodo: It's just contradiction!
Jase: No it isn't!
Frodo: It IS!
Jase: It is NOT!
Frodo: You just contradicted me!
Jase: No I didn't!
Frodo: You DID!
Jase: No no no!
Frodo: You did just then!
Jase: Nonsense!
Frodo: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!
(pause)
Jase: No it isn't!
Frodo: Yes it is!
(pause)
Frodo: I came here for a good "Magic" Photon argument!
Jase: AH, no you didn't, you came here for a "Magic" Photon argument!
Frodo: A "Magic" Photon argument isn't just contradiction.
Jase: Well! it CAN be!
Frodo: No it can't!
Frodo: A "Magic" Photon argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
Jase: No it isn't!
Frodo: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.
Jase: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!
Frodo: Yes but it isn't just saying 'no it isn't'.
Jase: Yes it is!
Frodo: No it isn't!
Jase: Yes it is!
Frodo: No it isn't!
Jase: Yes it is!
Frodo: No it ISN'T! A "Magic" Photon argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
Jase: It is NOT!
Frodo: It is!
Jase: Not at all!
Frodo: It is!
(The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.)
Jase: Thank you, that's it.
Frodo: (stunned) What?
Jase: That's it. Good morning.
Frodo: But I was just getting interested!
Jase: I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.
Frodo: That was never five minutes just now!!
Jase: I'm afraid it was.
Frodo: (leading on) No it wasn't.....
Jase: I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
Frodo: WHAT??
Jase: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Frodo: But that was never five minutes just now!
Oh Come on!
Oh this is...
This is ridiculous!
Jase: I told you... I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY!
Frodo: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are.
Jase: Thank you.
Frodo: (clears throat) Well...
Jase: Well WHAT?
Frodo: That was never five minutes just now.
Jase: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
Frodo: Well I just paid!
Jase: No you didn't!
Frodo: I DID!!!
Jase: YOU didn't!
Frodo: I DID!!!
Jase: YOU didn't!
Frodo: I DID!!!
Jase: YOU didn't!
Frodo: I DID!!!
Jase: YOU didn't!
Frodo: I don't want to argue about it!
Jase: Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay!
Frodo: Ah hah! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha!
Jase: No you haven't!
Frodo: Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must have paid.
Jase: Not necessarily. I *could* be arguing in my spare time.
Frodo: I've had enough of this!
Jase: No you haven't.
Frodo: Oh shut up!
(Frodo leaves the office)