[sound of plasma torps]
Narrator: The Tale of Captain Hawkeye.
[boom]
[wind]
[howl]
[howl]
[boom]
[angels singing]

[howl]
[boom]
[howl]
[boom]
[pound pound pound]
Hawkeye: Open the airlock! Open the airlock!
[pound pound pound]
In the name of Admiral Frey, open the airlock!
[creak]
[thump]
[creak]
[boom]
Girls: Hello!
Bastet: Welcome, gentle Captain. Welcome to the Starbase Anthrax.

Hawkeye: The Starbase Anthrax?
Bastet: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!
Hawkeye: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail of Balance?
Bastet: The what?
Hawkeye: The Grail. It is here.
Bastet: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!
Midget and Crapper: Yes, O Bastet?
Bastet: Prepare a bed for our guest.
Midget and Crapper: Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!...
Bastet: Away! Away, varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.
Hawkeye: Well, look, I-- I, uh--
Bastet: What is your name, Captain?
Hawkeye: Hawkeye... 'the Often Chased'.
Bastet: Mine is 'Bastet'. Just 'Bastet'. Oh, but come.

Hawkeye: Look, please! In Bethke's name, show me the Grail!
Bastet: Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.
Hawkeye: No, look. I have seen it! It is here in this--
Bastet: Captain Hawkeye! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.
Hawkeye: Well, I-- I, uh--
Bastet: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen- and- a- half, cut off in this starbase with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome starship captains. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
Hawkeye: No, no. It's-- it's nothing.
Bastet: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down.
[clap clap]
Piglet: Well, what seems to be the trouble?
Hawkeye: They're doctors?!
Bastet: Uh, they... have a basic medical training, yes.
Hawkeye: B-- but--
Bastet: Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Piglet! Doctor Winston! Practice your art.
Winston: Try to relax.
Hawkeye: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
Piglet: We must examine you.

Hawkeye: There's nothing wrong with that!
Piglet: Please. We are doctors.
Hawkeye: Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to a sacred quest I can not be distracted from.
Piglet: Back to your bed! At once!
Hawkeye: Torment me no longer. I have seen the Grail!
Piglet: There's no grail here.
Hawkeye: I have seen it! I have seen it!
[clank]
I have seen--
Girls: Hello.
Hawkeye: Oh.
Girls: Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
Hawkeye: Bastet!
Alien: No, I am Bastet's identical twin sister, Alien.
Hawkeye: Oh, well, excuse me, I--
Alien: Where are you going?
Hawkeye: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
Alien: Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Bastet!
Hawkeye: Well, what is it?
Alien: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Bastet! She has been powering up our Plasma-I, which, I have just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem. The darn thing will launch the second it sees a blasted admin shuttle!
Hawkeye: It's not the real Grail?
Alien: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Bastet! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty! Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the XC boys were writing it, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think.
K'cowHegh of the three Mirak DF's: At least ours was better visually.
The Knights of Foo: Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of magic photon jokes.
Jinxx: Get on with it.
Overon the Elite SFCer: Yes, get on with it!
Forum Members: Yes, get on with it!
Alien: Oh, I am enjoying this scene.
Bethke: Get on with it!
Alien: [sigh]
[clunk]
Oh, wicked, wicked Bastet. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here at Starbase Anthrax, we have but one punishment for powering up the grail-shaped Plasma-I: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.
Girls: A spanking! A spanking!
Alien: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.
Amazing: And spank me.
Stunner: And me.
Lovely: And me.
Alien: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
Girls: A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!
Alien: And after the spanking, the green Orion slave-girl lapdances!
Girls: The lapdances! The lapdances!
Hawkeye: Well, I could stay a bit longer.
K'tujHegh: Hawkeye!
Hawkeye: Oh, hello.
K'tujHegh: Quick!
Hawkeye: What?
K'tujHegh: Quick!
Hawkeye: Why?
K'tujHegh: You are in great peril!
Alien: No, he isn't.
K'tujHegh: Silence, foul swingeress!
Hawkeye: You know, she's got a point.
K'tujHegh: Come on! We will cover your escape!
Hawkeye: Look, I'm fine!
K'tujHegh: Come on!
Girls: Captain Hawkeye!
Hawkeye: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
Alien: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
Girls: Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
K'tujHegh: No, Hawkeye. Come on!
Hawkeye: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.
Alien: Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.
Girls: Yes. Let him handle us easily.
K'tujHegh: No. Quick! Quick!
Hawkeye: Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them!
Alien: Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.
Girls: We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily...
[boom]
Alien: Oh, shit.
[leaving Starbase Anthrax]
K'tujHegh: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Hawkeye: I don't think I was.
K'tujHegh: Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Hawkeye: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
K'tujHegh: No, it's too perilous.
Hawkeye: Look, it's my duty as a XenoCorp Captain to sample as much peril as I can.
K'tujHegh: No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
Hawkeye: Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
K'tujHegh: No. It's unhealthy.
Hawkeye: I bet you're gay.
K'tujHegh: No, I'm not.