Battle Report #1 (as reported by Warrior J'inn)

My Three Mistakes

Last night I made three mistakes. Now each one of them, alone, was not that bad. But in combination, well, let's just say it was hideous.

It all started at Shop Rex's house. Now Shopasaurus Rex (SR) lives in your standard suburban development. Single Family homes as far as the eye can see. Minivans. Tricycles. Nosey Neighbors. The usual.

So after a long day of shopping we came back to her house. I was planing on doing the usual with her. Yup that's right. I was going to sit in the recliner, watch TV, and drink beer while she did whatever it is girls do around the house.

So there I am watching the news when all of a sudden I hear her call me from upstairs. You know the call . . . The call of something is wrong and you really don't want to know about it.

So I do the usual. I ignore it. A few moments pass and I hear a blood curdling scream and the sound of a 110 lb woman running full speed down the upstairs hallway and then down the stairs.

Okay. So this isn't good. So I jump up and meet her at the bottom of the stairs. She's breathless and her eyes are wide with fear. "There is an animal in the bedroom!!" she gasps.

"So what makes you think that?" I say.

"I heard it!" She yells.

So then I made . . .

Mistake #1

I decided to go investigate. I go up the stairs and into the bedroom. All the while I'm thinking "Girls! Sheesh! It's probably a shutter swinging in the wind." So I stand in the bedroom for a second and then I hear it. The unmistakable sound of something alive and not exactly human thrashing about in the closet.

Being the tough guy I am, I immediately haul arse down the stairs!!

"WHAT IS IT" She yells!

"Erm, I dunno!" I say. Maybe a rat.

"OH NOOOOOOOO!!" She wails.

"Hey I can just call animal control, they'll come out in the morning and . . . "

"The morning!! I can't have that thing in my house all night! What kind of man are you? Get it out!" She growled.

Well my manhood had been challenged. And heck I had watched Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom. I could handle this. So I immediately came up with a plan. A plan worthy of the man. Marlon Perkins. I just wished I had a Jim to do the dirty work.

So I grabbed a broom (the implement of choice of all household hunting men) and ordered SR to open the front door. A certain varmint was going outside.

And then I made . . .

Mistake #2

I went back upstairs.

Slowly I opened the closet door wider. It was packed to the gills with clothing of course. And being that it was about 11:00 PM it was kinda dark. So I started to probe with the broom handle just as SR walked up behind me and grabbed my arm. I screamed.

"Don't do that!!" I yelled.

She ignored me. "Did you see it yet?"

"No, not yet, now get back downstairs and watch the door. We don't need anything else coming in." I ordered.

So off she went to man the doorway while I continued probing.

I stuck the handle in several time and nada. Suddenly I heard a sound like I had never heard before in my life. I high pitched growling shriek! Then I heard another odd sound. A whimpering whine. Of course I was a tad miffed when I realized it came from me, so I probed with gusto. No varmint was getting the better of J'inn!!

And then it happened. The clothes erupted and out shot a grey ball of fur. A RAT!! A RABID MAN EATING FACE RIPPING OFF RAT!!!

I swung the broom like Willie Mays on ten cups of coffee as the grey blur flew around the room and shot out the door. I looked out the door just in time to see a fluffy grey tail speeding down the hallway.

A squirrel!! A stupid squirrel!! I thought. That ain't no rat.

So super squirrel decided to fly down the stairs with me, the now great white hunter (hey it wasn't a rat) in hot pursuit with broom held high.

Well now the front door is right at the bottom of the stairs. And so was SR. She took one look at super squirrel and screamed the most terrifying scream I have ever heard. Now of course Mr. Squirrel wasn't fond of this and instead of turning left to go outside, he turned right and sped into the living room as SR did a 180 and ran into the kitchen. Screaming the whole way.

Now you have to understand a few things here. SR's foyer (where the front door is) living room, dining room and kitchen, are all connected in the form of a big circle. So I hit the bottom of the stairs, turned right, and chased that squirrel right through the living room, through the dinning room, and into the kitchen.

Now this of course meant that he had to run right by SR again. So right on cue she hit a high note that must have stunned every dog in the neighborhood as she jumped up on a kitchen chair.

Well the squirrel ran around and out of the kitchen and right past the front door WITHOUT going outside. Stupid Squirrel. Oh no, he just turns left and begins another lap around the house with me in hot pursuit.

Well around and around we went. With each trip through the kitchen causing SR to scream bloody murder.

Now it was really cold outside. And it was late at night. It's amazing how loud sounds, oh say like those of a woman screaming HELLLLPPPPPPPP GET OUT OF HERE HELLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPP, will travel.

Now by about the fifth lap I was starting to get a little crabby. So her screams accompanied by me screaming various obscenities at her along with me yelling GET OFF THAT DAMN CHAIR AND STAND BY THE DOOR SO YOU CAN SHOO HIM OUT!!!

Well she listened to me a little because on lap 12 through the kitchen both I and Squirrel Racer noticed that she was in fact off the chair. I was a tad worried that the kitchen table would break with her standing on it, but I had bigger fish to fry.

So then I tried a little violence. While chasing him through the living room I knocked over the coffee table, pillows, knick knacks whatever to try and slow him down on the next lap.

Gosh it's amazing how agile squirrels are!! He just hopped over everything while I now had to dodge and leap over my own obstacle course. This of course resulted in more yelling from me, but that was cool. SR was getting hoarse so I need to pick up the slack.

Then I found out that she was just resting up to let out a final burst of expletives aimed at my inability to get that damn squirrel to turn right at corner 4 and not left!

Then in a burst of genius, I realize that given our counter clockwise path that the squirrel might not be getting a good view of the door. So I stop and reverse course.

There I was standing just behind the door in my best hockey goalie's pose as Squirrelzilla started to round turn number three. Now sadly for the squirrel, turn number three was in the kitchen. A kitchen with a tile floor. A slippery tile floor. So right at the apex of the turn he sees me and looses his concentration. Imagine his surprise when his rear feet lost traction!

With rear paws flying madly, he spun out and crashed right into the wall. I saw my chance and charged, but he shook it off too fast and shot back out the other end. Dammit!!

So I turned around and decide to try and cut him off again. I HAD to stop the circuit. I had to get him to think outside the loop and then, maybe, just maybe, he would look at the door!

So I entered the living room at full speed . . . And tripped over the coffee table. Odd the thoughts that go through one's mind when one finds them self unexpectantly airborne. Of course they come to a screeching halt when you slam chest first onto the carpet.

So there I was. The sound of SR's distant wail in my ears. A wad of Nylon double plush shag in my mouth. And a very angry squirrel standing just a few feet away from me.

Now I have no idea what he was thinking. He came to a complete stop and just looked at me. Now my face was right down on the floor. Right at his level. We looked at each other. Our eyes met.

Time slowed to a trickle. SR stopped screaming. The cold winter wind blew. And the door creaked in the distance. Both of us knew one thing. One of us would not live to see the morning sun. And Mr. Squirrel was a survivor!!

His eyes narrowed. I started to get up. Then he crouched and leapt right at me. OH LORD!!! I thought A MAULING ATTACK!!! MOMMMMMYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

I swung my arms over my head and prepared for the worst. But The Squirrelanator has other ideas. He flew over me, landed behind me, and high tailed it right out the door.

Laying on the floor. Thinking of how I had narrowly escaped death once again, I said a little prayer and looked around at the destruction.

Well . . . For the next few minutes I went around the house with a roll of paper towels. It seems, you see, that squirrels do everything they can when running for dear life to reduce ballast for extra speed. There was squirrel poop everywhere.

So there I am. A paper towel full of stinky squirrel poop. SR bitching about the damage. When we hear a knock at the door.

It's the police and they are not too happy. For you see the neighbors had heard SR screaming bloody murder in the middle of the night. They had heard me screaming and cussing at her. They had heard her yelling "Stop throwing my furniture!!"

Well, they were ready to kick butt to say the least.

So she opens the door and they see furniture strewn everywhere. Me still breathing hard and bleeding from my leg where I hit the table. It was a real COPS moment.

So in they come and start asking why I had been hitting her!!! She starts saying it was a squirrel and explaining the chase. They, for SOME ODD REASON, didn't seem to believe any of it.

So I got mad and . . . Made . . .

Mistake #3

I informed the police that I was a lawyer and that I knew my rights and blah blah blah.

Boy they were not amused at all . . .

An hour later, they finally left. The neighbors still look at me funny however.


Battle Report #2 (as reported by Warrior J'inn)

My worst nightmare has come true!!!! Just got a call from SR regarding a squirrel... THERE IS ONE IN HER BASEMENT AND SHE WANTS ME TO COME GET IT OUT!!!!
[insert shockingly scary music]
Well, it can't be that bad can it? I even rented a trap from the rental store. The sales guys seems to find the whole thing funny.
[puts on pith helmet]
I'm off!! Wish me luck!

CONTACT REPORT
DATE: 2/6/2004
1. ON PATROL AT SHOP REX'S HOUSE
2. ANIMAL (SUSPECTED SQUIRREL) IN SHOP REX'S BASEMANT
3. ANIMAL TRAP RENTED AND PLACED IN BASEMENT ONE DAY AGO WITH CRUNCHY STYLE PEANUT BUTTER LURE.
4. NO CONTACT UNTIL 10 MINUTES AGO WHEN ODD NOISES WERE HEARD IN THE BASEMENT.
5. INVESTIGATED SAME ONLY TO FIND PEANUT BUTTER SMEARED ALL OVER THE FLOOR OF THE BASEMENT. TRAP NOT ACTIVATED.
6. VISUALLY SIGHTED THE SQUIRREL CLIMBING ON TOP OF DUCTS IN THE CEILING.
7. WENT UPSTAIRS TO RETRIEVE COMBAT BROOM, GLOVES, AND BOOTS.
8. STOPPED BY COMPUTER TO SEND THIS REPORT.
9. WE HAVE ENGAGED THE SQUIRREL!!
END REPORT.

CONTACT REPORT: SUPPLEMENTAL.
1. DUCT WORK AND BROOM HAVE SUSTAINED HEAVY DAMAGE.
2. VOCAL CHORDS AT 50%.
3. SCOTCH SUPPLY LEVELS CRITICAL.
4. BEER BACK UP SUPPLIES OFF LINE. (DUE TO FACT THAT CERTAIN FEMALE DOESN'T REALIZE BEER IS WORTHLESS IF IT IS NOT IN A REFRIDGERATOR).
5. NASTY CUT FROM DUCT WORK ON HAND.
6. SQUIRREL STILL IN DUCT WORK AND HAS LEARNED HOW TO LAUGH.
7. GOING TO ATTEMPT WATER PITCHER MANEUVER TO FLUSH OUT SQUIRREL.
8. SITUATION DIRE.
END REPORT.

COMBAT REPORT: RESPONSIVE AND SUPPLEMENTAL.
1. HAVE RECEIVED YOUR COMMUNICATIONS.
2. SQUIRREL POINT OF ACCESS HAS BEEN DETERMINED BUT CANNOT BE ADDRESED. ICE DAMAGE TO GUTTERS REMOVED SAME FROM SIDE OF HOUSE THUS LEAVING MULTIPLE POINTS OF ACCESS TO ATTIC. I CANNOT ADDRESS THIS BECUASE IT AIN'T MY HOUSE AND I AIN'T PAYING FOR IT. (I AM AWARE OF THE IRONY HERE AS I AM ADDRESSING THE SUBSEQUENT INVASION)
3. WATER PITCHER TECHNIQUE RESULTS - POOR.
4. SQUIRREL UNAFFECTED AND UNHIT.
5. LARGE BOX OF CLOTHING MARKED "SILK" SUFFERED HEAVY WATER DAMAGE.
6. CONSIDERED INFORMING SHOP REX OF THIS VIA THE HONORABLE METHOD (TELLING THE TRUTH) AND SUFFERING THE PAINFUL DEATH BY RAPID FIRE BITCHING OR THE DISHONORABLE WAY (BLAME THE SQUIRREL). HAVE OPTED FOR THE LATTER.
7. HAVE CONSIDERED SUGGESTION TO USE BIRD SEED UINSTEAD OF PEANUT BUTTER AS A LURE DEVICE.
8. SEARCHED HOME FOR BIRD SEED. NONE FOUND. SWITCHING TO DORITOS.
9. CONCERN GROWING OVER HEAVILY DAMAGED CONDITION OF BROOM. BROOM NEEDS TO BE REPLACED BEFORE SHOP REX COMES HOME.
10. EQUAL CONCERN OVER INEBRIATED STATE AND IT'S EFFECT ON DRIVING.
11. SCOTCH SUPPLY DEPLETED. LEARNING TO LIKE WARM BEER.
12. SQUIRREL STILL 100% OPERATIONAL.
13. CONSIDERING SWITCHING FROM NON-LETHAL TO LETHAL TACTICS. GUILT PROTOCOLS STILL IN PLACE. ATTEMPTING TO OVERRIDE. MORE SCOTCH NEEDED.
14. SQUIRREL NOW HIDING IN BOXES OF CLOTHING ON TOP OF STORAGE SHELVES.
15. WATER STILL LEAKING FROM DUCTS.
16. DAMAGE TO DUCTS CRITCIAL. HOME HEATING SYSTEMS COMPROMISED. ATTEMPTING DUCT TAPE REPAIRS.
17. SQUIRREL STILL BARKING AT ME AND BELIEVED TO BE PLANNING TACTICAL ANTI-J'INN STRIKE.
18. SEND HELP.
END REPORT.

-----

Begin Encoded Combat Report / / /

I fear this may be my last report.

I went to The Abyss, well in Maryland it's called "Wal-Mart," but whatever. During the first skirmish I broke SR's broom in half along with breaking a heating duct. The heating duct has been fixed with duct tape. This BTW may be the only recorded use of duct tape on an actual duct in recorded history. Well at least I think it's fixed. There are still some gaps from the denting. The duct is in the ceiling however and she'll never know. At least I pray.

The broom however is another matter. It must be replaced with an exact duplicate. Therefore I took the broken broom with me to Wal-Mart.

Upon entering the Land of the Damned, I was greeted by a nice young man wearing a demon red Wal-Mart jacket. He mutter something so I did what any American would do; I kept walking. Then he yelled, "Sir I said you can bring that in here!"

I turned to him and looked and the two pieces of shattered squirrel weapon in my hand and said "Why not?"

"You can't bring a sharp stick into the store." he said.

Now at this point I realized that Wal-Mart didn't want men in their store with items that they could use to easily commit Hari-Kari with. I mean after two hours being drug through that place by women, sheesh, there would be blood and impaled bodies everywhere.

"Okay" I said, so I looked long and hard at the deplete weapon, I memorized it's shape, it's color, it's speckles of duct metal imbedded in the shaft. No wait, don't need that. Okay, I had it. So I dumped Excaliber into a garbage pail and into Mordor I went.

First I stopped at the moth ball Department. Okay, well it took me about 20 minutes to find moth balls. Grrrrrr. I've never seen them before to be honest. But it seems, according to SirGod, that moth balls and Draino make a good Squirrel repellant.

But there was something about Draino . . . A distant memory of when a young J'inn liked to do bad things. Unlike now of course. I remembered another formula using Draino, Aluminum Foil (and another item that I won't say because some idiot kid [LeRoy] might try it).

I think something called Chlorine gas is involved but hey, I can run fast.

So I picked up those items and off I went to the brooms area.

JUST HOW MANY TYPES OF BROOMS ARE THERE ON THIS PLANET!!! Sheesh!!! Big ones, small ones, bent ones, blah blah blah. I quickly began to panic when I noticed not one of the 26,873,804,009,877 brooms looked anything like SR's.

But Old J'inn's no dummy. I quickly came up with a plan.

"Hiya SR. Hey honey, I noticed your old broom was just so blah. So I bought you a top of the line broom and threw that old nasty thing away!! Ain't I the best!!"

Yes it would work. So I asked a salesman, half jokingly, if they had any designer brooms. Lo and behold!! Martha Stewart!! I kid you not. She loves Martha. Well not as much as Oprah but I couldn't find any Oprah brooms.

So I picked it up and gave a few test swings to see if it had the right Squirrel stunning balance and heft. The salesman then asked "Erm, it's for sweeping."

I resisted the urge to test my new weapon on his head and said. "Yes, I am aware of that! But I have a Squirrel in my basement."

"Why don't you just call an exterminator?" he asked.

"I can handle this!" I said with confidence. Boy, that scotch does wonders.

"But they bite." He said.

I just looked the 18 year old in the eye and snarled. "So do I."

With that he just shook his head ruefully and walked away.

So I went to the checkout line. On cue, every checkout attendant except one went on break. Twenty minutes later I actually checked out.

On the way home I stopped and picked up some beer. I considered some peanuts for the BASTARD!! But I decided against it. NO!! I had chased one Squirrel out of my house before. I could do it again!! No more traps. No more sneakiness. I was going to smoke bomb him out of the basement and then chase him outside.

So I got back to SR's house and in the family room, near the door to the basement stairs . . . I prepared for battle.

Heavy Work Boots. Check.
Blue Jeans tucked into boots. Check.
Leather Jacket zipped and locked. Check.
Excaliber II (broom). Check.
Cold Beer. Sam Adams Light (hey, I can't get weighed down now). Check.
Bag full of bomb materials. Check.
Heavy Gloves. Check.
Front door open. Check.
Cordless phone nearby with 911 typed in and ready to hit "SEND" (just in case). CHECK.

I was ready.

So I opened the door to the basement slowly and watched as the light drifted into Squirrelzilla's Lair. At the top of the basement stairs I stood. Broom held in one hand. Bomb materials in a bag in another along with a beer.

At the bottom of the stairs was the trap. And OUTSIDE the trap with his paw reaching in and pulling out chucks of peanut butter and then eating it was . . . HIM!!

He looked up at me. I glared at him. In my mind I heard the whistling lonely warble from a Clint Eastwood Spaghetti Western.

Both of us knew, it was time. Well I'm not sure about him actually. He had peanut butter all over his face and I think he just wanted a glass of milk.

I started down the stairs and of course he ran off towards a shelf full of junk and began to climb. Perhaps the bomb could wait I thought. So I set it down, along with the beer, and approached.

He started to try and run behind the boxes so I started throwing them off the shelf all the while trying to make sure not to get so close that he could bite me. Then it happened . . .

I looked up and saw him on the top shelf about two feet over my head. He looked at me. He then looked at the stack of boxes behind me.

"Oh no!" I gasped, realizing what he was thinking. HE'LL RIP MY EYES OUT!!!

Just then he lept right at me and landed square on my head. Before I could have an actual myocardial infraction he lept off in one smooth move and landed on the stack of boxes.

Now at this point I was a tad traumatized and grabbing my hair to make sure he didn't leave any "deposits."

I then turned, only to see nothing. Not a sound, not a peep. Hmmmm. Time for chemical warfare.

I went over to the bag and pulled out the products and an empty 2 liter plastic coke bottle. I inserted the first two ingredients and then, ever so carefully dropped in the third and jumped back.

I stood there and waited for the smoke to come pouring out. What I had miscalculated however was the thermodynamic property of my bomb.

The bottle started to shake violently and then it actually started to deform and melt. My eyes grew wide with fear as I ran up the stairs and slammed the door behind me. A second later I heard a sound much like that of 50 shaken up beer cans all exploding at once.

OH DEAR LORD I thought. All of SR's crap that she'll never need or look at again has been ruined. SHE'LL KILL ME!!!

I opened the door and a cloud of noxious fumes billowed out. So I ran around the house and opened the windows and turned on the main exhaust fan. Thirty minutes later . . . I went back to Ground Zero.

There sat a molten pile of plastic and a three foot radius of chemically charred concrete. Other than the horrid smell it looked okay. Well until I looked up and saw that some of the duct work had been damaged. AGAIN!!

So I started to clean up. I felt sorry for Mr. Squirrel as he was surely dead. I also felt sorry for me because I knew he would not be found until his odor revealed his final hiding place. But then I heard a faint rustle and looked over to the far wall to see Mr. Squirrel running along a pipe.

I immediately gave chase, but he was too fast for me and climbed into an open vent and thus, into the heating duct system of the whole house. (How he got in I think). I believe his last statement to me as he flicked his tail was "Talk to the Butt."

So now I sit in the Family Room. The house is freezing. The windows are open. The whole place stinks to high heaven. And I can hear that DAMN SQUIRREL RUNNING THROUGH THE DUCTS!!!

I could just kill myself but I'm too scared to do it. That's okay. SR called. She'll be home shortly. After she sees what I've done she'll do it for me. She's the best.

I'm a lucky guy.

This is Warrior J'inn. Signing Off.

/ / / End Encoded Combat Report

-----

POST COMBAT REPORT
TO: CINCACKPTUI
FM: WARRIOR J'INN
DATE : 2/7/2004
1. COMBAT OPERATIONS TERMINATED.
2. HOSTILE FORCED INTO HEATING DUCTS AND BELIEVED TO HAVE REMOVED SELF FROM HOME VIA THE HOLE IN THE ATTIC.
3. BASIS: NO LONGER HEAR MOCKING HIGH PITCHED SNICKERING FROM DUCTS. HAVE SEEN THE LITTLE S.O.B. OUTSIDE IN THE FRONT YARD REPEATEDLY. ID CONFIRMED WHEN HE GAVE ME THE FINGER.
4. SHOP REX STILL UNAWARE OF CONDITION OF BASEMENT. WILL ATTEMPT CLANDESTINE REPAIR LATER.
5. SHOP REX SOMEWHAT CRABBY ABOUT ODOR IN HOUSE BUT ACTUAL HOSTILITY WAS AVOIDED WHEN I TOLD HER IT WAS A COMMERCIAL SQUIRREL REPELLANT AND HEY IT WORKED!!
6. RESISTED URGE TO STRANGLE SHOP REX WHEN SHE SAID THAT HE LOOKED COLD AND HUNGRY AND PERHAPS I SHOULD SET SOME BREAD OUT FOR HIM.
7. INJURIES TO HAND HEALING NICELY. ALTHOUGH THE NEIGHBORS DID COMPLAIN ABOUT MY LATE NIGHT SCREAMS WHEN S.R. INSISTED ON ALCOHOL APPLICATION.
8. HANGOVER DISSIPATING.
9. SHOP REX HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS OVER NEW BROOM. PLAUSABLE DENIABILITY STILL OPERATIONAL HOWEVER.
10. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
11. VICTORY OBTAINED.
WARRIOR J'INN SENDS.


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