Narrator: So it came to pass that 13 dwarves, a wizard, and a bewildered hobbit set out on an adventure. After many days of travel east, they passed beyond the civilized hills of the Shire and Bree-land. Running short on rations, they press onward through a rainy day and on into the night along the ancient overgrown road they travel.

Gandalf: I would think, Thorin, that any monarchal restoration group like yours should reflect such a divergence of interests and alliances within its power-base for best effect against that dreaded worm Smaug.
Thorin: Agreed. Dwalin?
Dwalin: Yeah, I think Gandalf's point of view is very valid, Thorin, provided we never forget that it is the inalienable right of every dwarf male--
Gloin: Or demi-dwarf.
Dwalin: Or demi-dwarf male--
Nori: Or non-dwarf.
Bilbo: Thanks!
Dwalin: Or non-dwarf male--
Bofur: Or female.
Dwalin: Or female... to rid himself--
Bofur: Or herself.
Dwalin: Or herself.
Balin: Agreed.
Dwalin: Thank you, brother.
Bofur: Or sister.
Dwalin: Or sister. Where was I?
Fili: I think you'd finished.
Dwalin: Oh... right.
Thorin: Furthermore, it is the birthright of every dwarven, demi-dwarven, and non-dwarven male--
Bofur: Or female.
Thorin: Why don't you shut up about females, Bofur. You're putting us off and we don't even have any ruddy females with us.
Bofur: Females have a perfect right to play a part in our group, Thorin.
Ori: Why are you always on about females, Bofur?
Bofur: I want to be one.
Thorin: What?
Bofur: I want to be female. From now on, I want you all to call me Loretta.
Thorin: What?!
Loretta: It's my right as a dwarf.
Kili: Or demi-dwarf.
Loretta: Or demi-dwarf.
Oin: Or non-dwarf.
Loretta: Or non-dwarf.
(it is at this point that Gandalf shrewdly decides it would be a good time to scout ahead along the road they travel)
Bombur: Well, why do you want to be called Loretta, Bofur?
Loretta: I want to have babies.
Dori: You want to have babies?!
Loretta: It's every dwarf's right to have babies if he wants them.
Thorin: But you-- you can't have babies.
Loretta: Don't you oppress me.
Thorin: I'm not oppressing you, Bofur. You haven't got a womb! Where's the fetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a sack?!
Loretta: (starts crying)
Dwalin: Here, now! I-- I've got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb... which is nobody's fault, of course, but that he can have the right to have babies.
Bifur: Good idea, Dwalin. We shall struggle forth for your right to have babies, brother... sister. Sorry.
Thorin: What's the point?
Dwalin: What?
Thorin: What's the point of arguing for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?!
Bifur: It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression and victimization.
Thorin: (muttering) Symbolic of his struggle against reality!
Bilbo: You know, the more I think on it... I believe I may have heard news of your group before. A band of displaced dwarves fighting to free their mountain home from a cruel invading dragon.
Dwalin: Honestly?
Thorin: It wouldn't surprise me if word of our deeds and tribulations had reached even your village of Hobbiton by now.
Bilbo: Yes... are you the Ereborian Dwarven Front?
Dori: Bugger off!
Bilbo: Wha-- what?
Thorin: Ereborian Dwarven Front... we're the Dwarven Front of Erebor! I am son of Thrain son of Thror and true heir of the King Under the Mountain! Ereborian Dwarven Front-- Cawk.
Oin: Wankers.
Bilbo: I am terribly sorry, I meant no offense!
Dwalin: Listen, we are the one group with not only a legitimate claim, but also the zeal to actually do something about that accursed worm slumbering in our mountain.
Bilbo: Well, even though I'm still at a loss as to how I became a part of this expedition, I very much understand your devotion to getting rid of that dragon. Awful creatures, they are.
Balin: Are you sure?
Bilbo: Oh, very sure. I detest dragons already.
Thorin: Listen, if you really wanted to be of service to the D.F.E., you'd have to really hate dragons.
Bilbo: I do!
Thorin: Oh, yeah? How much?
Bilbo: A lot!
Thorin: Right... listen. The only thing we hate more than dragons are those damnable Ereborian Dwarven Fronters.
Kili: Yeah...
Bombur: Splitters.
Dori: Splitters.
Dwalin: And the Ereborian Popular Dwarven Front.
Gloin: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Splitters...
Ori: Splitters.
Loretta: And the Dwarven Front of Erebor.
Fili: Yeah. Splitters...
Oin: Splitters.
Thorin: What?
Loretta: The Dwarven Front of Erebor. Splitters.
Thorin: We are the Dwarven Front of Erebor!
Loretta: Oh-- I thought we were the Popular Front.
Thorin: Dwarven Front! C-huh.
Balin: Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Thorin?
Thorin: That was Nain son of Gror... went to Khazad-dum and got himself killed.
Nori: Heh... splitter!
(the dwarves and hobbit come to a stop at the sight of a campfire off in the woods a good distance away from the dark road they travel... the smell of mutton cooking over a fire drifts over to them on the chill wind)
Thorin: What's your first name again, burglar Baggins?
Bilbo: Bilbo. Bilbo Baggins.
Thorin: We may have a little burgle job for you, Bilbo...

Narrator: Nearly an hour later, Bilbo has been captured by the owners of the campfire the dwarves sent him off to investigate. Three trolls (whom we shall call William, Tom, and Bert since their names in the crude trollish tongue sound even more ridiculous) are quite surprised by the sudden appearance of their "guest."

William: Blimey, look at this-- it was reaching into my pocket!
Tom: What is it?!
William: Bugger if I know... what are you?
Bilbo: Bil--Billbbbo--
Bert: Come on, out with it!
William: Will you be quiet?
Bilbo: B--Bilbo--
Tom: Don't pick your nose.
William: I wasn't picking my nose. I was scratching.
Tom: You was picking it, while you was talking to that little rabbit.
Bilbo: Bilbo Ba--Baggg--
William: I wasn't!
Tom: Leave it alone. Give it a rest.
Bert: Do you mind? I can't hear a word it's saying.
Tom: Don't you "do you mind" me. I was talking to Bill!
Bert: Well, go and talk to him somewhere else. I can't hear a bloody thing.
William: Why don't you go somewhere else?
Bert: I was only asking him to shut up, so I can hear what it's saying, Big Nose.
Tom: Don't you call Bill Big Nose!
Bert: Well, he has got a big nose.
William: Could you be quiet, please?
Bilbo: Bilbo Ba-Baggins, a--
William: What was that?
Bilbo: Bilbo Baggins, a bur-- a hobbit.
Bert: What did it say? I was too busy talking to Big Nose.
Tom: I think it was burrahobbit.
William: Ahh, what's a burrahobbit?
Tom: Well, obviously, it is some subspecies of burrowing mammal... like a beardless dwarf, eh?
Bert: See? If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Big Nose.
William: Hey-- say that once more and I'll smash your bloody face in.
Tom: Oh, lay off him.
Bert: Oh, you're not so bad yourself, Conk Face. You two should head down to Mordor and see if they need any more Nose-guls!
William: One more time, mate-- I'll take you to the bloody cleaners!
Bilbo: There are lots of us, you should let me go!
Tom: You hear that? There are more of them!
William: Yeah?
Bilbo: Ummm-- actually, there are none at all. Just me.
Bert: What do you mean by lots and then none?!
William: That's what I want to know and stay out of this, Bert!
Tom: And don't pick your nose.
William: I wasn't going to pick my nose. I was going to thump him!
Tom: You're not going to thump anybody.
William: I'll thump him if he calls me Big Nose again.
Bert: Oh, shut up, Big Nose.
William: Ah! All right... I warned you. I really will slug you so hard--
Bert: Listen, I'm only telling the truth. You have got a very big nose.
William: Hey, your nose is going to be three feet wide across your face by the time I've finished with you!
Bert: Well, who hit yours, then? A balrog?
William: Oh. Right. That's your last warning.
(a spectacular fight ensues between the trolls Bill and Bert while Tom whacks at them both with a stick)
Tom: Break it up-- oh... Oh!
Gandalf: Dawn take you all and be stoned!
Narrator: The first morning rays of sunlight strike the trolls, instantly turning all three to solid rock where they can still be found to this day. A nice fountain and picnic area has been added recently, by the way, so bring the kids and make a day of it.
Bilbo: Excellent, Gandalf! That was truly masterful the way you disguised your voice to keep them arguing so long.
Gandalf: What?
Bilbo: You disguised your voice to get them to fight, didn't you?
Gandalf: Ummm-- yes. Yes, I did... and we will be sticking to that version of the story from here on out.
Bilbo: The trolls dropped this key--
Gandalf: Good! We get first dibs on any loot we find.
Bilbo: I call the roast mutton!
Gandalf: Sure, then we will go find out where our companions have gotten off to.
Bilbo: Right... no rush.