Narrator: With the trolls and bad weather behind them, the fellowship-- errr... sorry, I was thinking of something else. Ummm-- yes, I meant obviously, the "15 companions" made their way to the hidden valley of Rivendell. Here, in the "last homely house east of the sea" amongst merry singing elves dwelt Elrond the half-elven bard who--
Elrond: How in Middle-earth did you just jump to the conclusion I was a bard? Where is that written anywhere?!
Narrator: Oh, come on! A half-elf with good combat feats and a high lore skill? All that ruddy singing going on at your place at all hours... really now. You're not fooling anyone, you know.
Elrond: It's a fair cop.

Elves: (singing in the trees)
The sound of ponies in the valley,
Good elves, hide your beer and bread.
Beware the bill you will tally,
When a Baggins named Bilbo is fed!

The hobbit! The hobbit!
He rides a diminutive steed.
The hobbit! The hobbit!
He'll clear your pantry, indeed.

Blue: his cloak of finest wool.
Blue: his blade of elven metal.
His companions take him for a fool.
His pot is as empty as his kettle!

The hobbit! The hobbit!
With nary a clue or plan.
The hobbit! The hobbit!
Outwit a dragon, if you can.

Narrator: After many days of rest and recovery, during which time Lord Elrond's food stores fell under tremendous sustained assault, a midsummer’s eve dinner meeting is called to clear up a few matters and get the quest going again. After reading the "Made in Gondolin - Elven Metalworker's Union 537" tags on the 3 blades Bilbo, Gandalf, and Thorin recovered from the troll loot, Elrond makes a startling discovery while holding Thorin's map up to read it in the light of the crescent moon.

Elrond: There are moon letters here! See the runes along the left?
Gandalf: I just knew I shouldn't have given up reading by moonlight no matter how bad it is on my old eyes!
Thorin: What do these moon runes say?
Elrond: They read:
When it's Durin's Day,
See what you may.
When the thrush knocks,
By the grey rocks.

When the sun sinks low,
The keyhole will show.
Use the key quick to get in,
Or, damn you, you'll have to wait a whole bloody year to try it all again!

Thorin: Inconceivable!
Elrond: Indeed, he threw the whole metrical structure and cadence off with that last line.
Thorin: No, I mean about there being a secret passage.
Gandalf: I suppose a locked hidden door explains this key Thrain said went with the map.
Thorin: My father was able to hide a key for 5 long years while a prisoner in Dol Guldur?!
Gandalf: Yes, and the map. Trust me on this, you do not want to know any further details.
Balin: This is definitely better than our original plan of walking right in the front gate!
Loretta: Tha-- that was the plan?
Thorin: Well... we were going to send the burglar in first, mind you.
Loretta: Oh, right.
Bilbo: What?!
Gandalf: Never mind that now. We have many other deadly dangers to face before we even reach Erebor.
Thorin: Indeed, let us set our minds to those first.
Gandalf: The roads east have become dangerous, overgrown, and lost altogether in places.
Elrond: With that in mind, the finest cartographers in Rivendel have prepared a map of the area where you will be traveling.
(Elrond hands Gandalf a large piece of parchment)
Gandalf: There's nothing on it!
Elrond: Yes. Ummm... they'd be most grateful if you could fill it in as you go along.
Bilbo: I am so screwed, aren't I...

Narrator: Refreshed with high hopes of success (well, except for Bilbo, naturally) the companions once again set forth.

Balin: Haha!
Fili: Wahaha!
Ori: Hahaha!
Loretta: Ahahaha!
(Balin notices that Bilbo seems sad and distant)
Balin: Not joining us in the "haha's" Bilbo?
Bilbo: No... I'm thinking of the sweet valley of Rivendell and the beautiful elven girl I left behind. I shall never love any woman but her.
Gandalf: How extraordinary! Who is she?
Bilbo: Serailian Linnod'aduial, the "Eveningsong" she is called.
Gandalf: The Serailian Linnod'aduial?
Bilbo: Yes.
Gandalf: Serailian "bury me in a Y-shaped coffin" Linnod'aduial?
Bilbo: Errr-- I think there may be two Serailian Linnod'aduials...
Dwalin: Gloin, isn't she the one that you, Dori, Nori--
Gloin: Shhh!
Dwalin: Ori, Fili, Kili, and even Bombur all--
Gloin: Shush already!!!
Gandalf: Anyway, put her far from your mind... your chances of seeing her again are rather remote.
Bilbo: You don't think she will wait for me?
Gandalf: I was thinking more about your odds of surviving, but don't bet on that either.
Bilbo: Bugger.