Narrator: Making their way through a pass in the Misty Mountains, the companions find shelter in a cave for the night as a fierce storm rages. In short order, they are captured by goblins and Gandalf goes missing. "Goblin" is just another name for "orc," by the way, with the only apparent difference being that those called "goblins" are generally not as intelligent as those called "orcs." Given the mental capacity of the common orc, that's really saying something! So, it should come as no surprise to anyone that, unlike their southern Mordor-bred cousins, the goblins of the Misty Mountains do not speak the common tongue... and barely speak the orcish.

(the thirteen dwarves and one hobbit are dragged into a great torch-lit cavern filled with goblins and brought before the dread and fearsome looking head goblin who sits upon a large stone throne)
Thorin: Well, I suppose I should see if I can sort this out.
(Thorin steps forward as the head goblin begins reading haltingly from a phrase book)
Head Goblin: I will not buy this gourd, it is scratched.
Thorin: Sorry?
Head Goblin: I will not buy this gourd, it is scratched.
Thorin: Uh, no, no, no. We are travelers, not merchants.
Head Goblin: Ah! I will not buy this "merchants," it is scratched.
Thorin: No, no, no, no. Travelers... ummm... adventurers.
Head Goblin: Ya! Addy-ven-tour-ers-- Ya! Uh... my shrubbery is full of eels.
Thorin: What?!
Head Goblin: My shrubbery (pantomimes the shape of a mountain)... is full of eels (points to the dwarves).
Thorin: Ahhh, dwarves! You want to know why we are here?
Head Goblin: Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaa-- do you waaaaaant... to come back to my place, bouncy-bouncy?
(pause)
Thorin: I-- ummm... I don't believe you are using that thing correctly.
Head Goblin: You great punter.
Thorin: We just want safe passage through the mountains, please.
Head Goblin: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I-- I am no longer infected.
Thorin: Uh, may I?
(Thorin takes the phrase book and flips through it)
Thorin: Ummmm... safe passage... ah! Here we are--
(Thorin speaks the orcish words)
Head Goblin: Yeeaaargghh?!?!
(the Head Goblin jumps up from his throne and knocks Thorin away from him)

Narrator: It was at that moment that Gandalf suddenly appeared in the cavern right between the head goblin and Thorin.

Gandalf: What's going on here, then?
Head Goblin: Ah! You have beautiful thighs.
Gandalf: (looks down at himself) What?!
Thorin: (pointing at the head goblin) He hit me!
Head Goblin: (pointing at Thorin) Drop your panties, Sir Boromir, I can not wait 'til lunchtime!
Gandalf: RIGHT!!!
(Gandalf pulls out his sword and slices the head goblin nearly in half)
Head Goblin: (dying) My nipples explode with delight!

(Gandalf uses his staff to create a magical wind that blows the torches out and chaos ensues as sword, axe, and magic are used by the companions to make their escape-- when suddenly the scene abruptly switches to a courtroom in Rivendell)

Glorfindel: Call Jaeih t`Radaik!
(elven voices sing out the name several times)
Elrond: Oh, shut it!
Glorfindel: (to Jaeih) You are Jaeih t`Radaik?
Jaeih: (in a sing-song voice) Oh, I am.
Glorfindel: Skip the impersonations. You are Jaeih t`Radaik?
Jaeih: I am.
Glorfindel: You are hereby charged that on the 12th day of Nórui, 2931, you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice of forethought, publish an alleged common-orcish phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?
Jaeih: Not guilty.
Glorfindel: You live at 3080 Kestrel Way?
Jaeih: I do live at 3080 Kestrel Way.
Glorfindel: You are the owner of a publishing company?
Jaeih: I am the owner of a publishing company.
Glorfindel: Your company publishes phrase books?
Jaeih: My company does publish phrase books.
Glorfindel: You did say 3080 Kestrel Way, didn't you?
Jaeih: Yes--
Glorfindel: Ah-hah! Got you!
(all the elves laugh and applaud)
Elrond: Get on with it, get on with it.
Glorfindel: That's fine. On the 12th of Nórui, you published this phrase book.
Jaeih: I did.
Glorfindel: I quote on example... the orcish phrase meaning "Can you direct me to the nearest inn?" is translated by the common phrase, "Please fondle my twig and berries."
Jaeih: I wish to plead incompetence.
La'ra: (suddenly stands up from the jury) Please-- may I ask for an adjournment, m'lord Elrond?
Elrond: An adjournment? Certainly not!
(La'ra sits down again, emitting perhaps the longest and loudest release of bodily gas in the history of Middle-earth)
Elrond: By the sacred Valar, why didn't you say WHY you wanted an adjournment?!
La'ra: I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord.
(cut to the Ballad of Bilbo Baggins)
Elrond: (banging and swinging a gavel) If there's any more stock film of Leonard Nimoy singing, I'll clear this court!