Narrator: Within the great cave palace of King Thranduil, preparations are well underway for the much anticipated harvest celebration of the wood elves. Quiet and invisible, Bilbo finds his way to the elven king.

Thranduil: ...make one lawge living awea--
Czar: Hail, King of the Greenwood!
Thranduil: Hail, Czaw Mohab.
Czar: Here is one of the captives your son Legolas brought in, my lord.
Thranduil: Ah, yes... thwow him to the floow.
Czar: What, sire?
Thranduil: Thwow him to the floow.
Czar: Right.
[WHUMP]
Thorin: Aaagh!
Thranduil: Hmmm... now, what is youw name?
Thorin: Thorin.
Thranduil: Thowin, eh?
Thorin: No, no. Thorin.
[SLAP]
Thorin: Aiee!
Thranduil: Hoo-hoo, hoo-ho. The little wascal has spiwit.
Czar: Has what?
Thranduil: Spiwit.
Czar: Yes, he did.
Thranduil: No, no-- spiwit. Ummm... bwavado. A touch of dewwing-do.
Czar: Oh. Ahhh... about eleven, my king.
Thranduil: So, you dawe to waid us.
Thorin: To what?
Thranduil: Stwike him, Czaw, vewy woughly!
[SMACK]
Thorin: Aaah!
Czar: Oh-- and, uhhh... throw him to the floor, sire?
Thranduil: What?
Czar: Thwow him to the floow again?
Thranduil: Oh, yes. Thwow him to the floow, please.
[WHUMP]
Thorin: Aaagh!
Thranduil: Now, duewgaw wapscallion.
Thorin: I'm not a duergar! I'm a dwarf.
Thranduil: A dwawf?
Thorin: No, no. Dwarf.
[SLAP]
Thorin: Aiee!
Thranduil: So, youw fathew was a dwawf. Who was he?
Thorin: He was a great and mighty leader, though a king in exile.
Thranduil: Weally? What was his name?
Thorin: Errr... Thain Thrain. The second.
Czar: Ahh, ha-ha!
Thranduil: Czaw, do we know of anyone of that name among the dwawven woyalty?
Czar: Well... no, sire.
Thranduil: You sound vewy suwe. Have you checked?
Czar: Well, no. Ummm... I think it's a joke. Like, uhhh... Nortiuth Maximuth, Klinkus Kadhus, or Biggesti Dickesti.
Elven Guard #4: (chuckling)
Thranduil: What's so... funny about Biggesti Dickesti?
Czar: Well... it's a joke name, my king.
Thranduil: I have a vewy gweat fwiend just awwived fwom Lothlowien named Biggesti Dickesti.
Elven Guard #4: (chuckling)
Thranduil: Silence! What is all this insolence? You will find youwself on bawwel wolling duty vewy quickly with wotten behaviouw like that!
Thorin: Can I go now?
[SLAP]
Thorin: Aiee!
Thranduil: Wait till Biggesti Dickesti heaws of this.
Elven Guard #3: (chuckling)
Thranduil: Wight! Seize the dwawf!
Czar: Oh, sire, he... he only--
Thranduil: No, no! I want him locked away with wabid, wild wodents in a dawk cell.
Czar: Of course, my king. Ummm... perhaps Biggesti Dickesti could--
Elven Guard #4: (laughing)
Thranduil: I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy! Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggesti...
Elven Guard #1: (chuckling)
Thranduil: ...Dickesti?
Elven Guard #3: (chuckling)
Thranduil: What about you? Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... Biggesti...
Elven Guard #2: (chuckle)
Thranduil: ...Dickesti?
Elven Guards: (chuckling)
Thranduil: He has a wife, you know. She's called... Sewailian. Sewailian Linnod'aduial.
Thorin: The Serailian Linnod'aduial?!
[SMACK]
Thorin: Aiee!
[WHUMP]
Thorin: Aarrgh!
Elven Guards: (laughing)
Thranduil: Stop! What is all this?!
Elven Guards: Ha, ha ha-ha, ho hoo-- ha ha...
Thranduil: I've had enough of this wowdy wude sniggewing behaviouw. Silence! Call youwselves my elite Sindawian guawds?!
(an elven messenger hurries into the king's throne room to whisper something to Czar Mohab)
Czar: I beg your pardon, my king, but I've just been informed that the crowd gathering outside for the harvest celebration is getting a bit restless. Permission to disperse them, please?
Thranduil: Dispewse them? But I haven't addwessed them yet.
Czar: Ah, no... I know, sire, but--
Thranduil: My addwess is one of the high points of the hawvest celebwation. My fwiend, Biggesti Dickesti, has come all the way fwom Lothlowien just to heaw it.
(Biggesti Dickesti enters the throne room)
Thranduil: Gweetings Biggesti!
Biggesti: Greetingth Thranduil!
Czar: You're not-- ah, you're not, uhhh... thinking of-- of giving it a miss this year, then?
Thranduil: Give it a miss?
Czar: Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today.
Thranduil: Weally, Czaw? I'm suwpwised to heaw a mighty wawwiow like you wattled by a wabble of wowdy wevelews.
Czar: A-- a bit thundery. They've already been at the good wine.
Thranduil: As fow the dwawf, take him away.
Thorin: I am royalty! I-- I can prove it, honestly!
Thranduil: And put him in a vewy dawk cell!
Czar: Ah, I-- I really wouldn't, sire.
Thranduil: Out of the way, Czaw.
Biggesti: Let me come with you, Thranduil. I may be of thome athithtanth if there ith a thudden crithith.
Thranduil: Yes, an excellent suggestion!
(elven horns and harps play as Thranduil, Biggesti, Czar, and the king's guards make their way out of the palace)
Crowd: (cheering)
Thranduil: Elves of the Gween Wood!
Crowd: (chuckling)
Thranduil: Natuwe is ouw genewous fwiend.
Crowd: (laughing)
Thranduil: To pwove ouw own genewosity, it is customawy at the hawvest celebwation to welease a wongdoew fwom ouw pwison.
Crowd: (laughing)
Elven Guard #3: (chuckling)
Thranduil: Whom would you have me welease?
Young Elven Male: Release Ragnor!
Crowd: (laughing) Yes! Welease Wagnow! Welease Wagnow!
Thranduil: Vewy well. I shall welease Wagnow!
Crowd: (cheering)
Czar: Sire, uhhh... we don't have a Ragnor.
Thranduil: What?
Czar: Uh, we don't have anyone of that name, my king.
Thranduil: Ah. We have no Wagnow!
Crowd: Ohhhhh!
Young Elven Male: Well, what about Radhruin, then?
Crowd: Yes! Welease Wadhwuin! Welease Wadhwuin!
Thranduil: Czaw, why do they tittew so?
Czar: Just some drunken joke, sire.
Thranduil: Awe they... wagging me?
Czar: Oh-- no, my lord!
Elven Guard #3: (chuckling)
Thranduil: Vewy well. I shall welease... Wadhwuin!
Crowd: (laughing)
Czar: Ummm... we don't have a Radhruin either.
Thranduil: No Wagnow? No Wadhwuin?
Czar: Sorry, sire.
Thranduil: Who is this Wadh--
Elven Guard #1: (chuckle)
Thranduil: Who is the Wadhwuin to whom you wefew?
Young Elven Male: He's a wobber!
Crowd: (laughing)
Elven Male: And a wapist!
Crowd: (laughing)
Elven Female: And a pickpocket!
Crowd: Yeah! Ahh, no! No! Shh! Shh...
Thranduil: He sounds like a notowious cwiminal.
Czar: We haven't got him.
Thranduil: Do we have anyone in ouw pwison at all?!
Czar: Oh, yes, of course. We've got, uhhh... Samadoc, sire.
Thranduil: Samadoc?
Czar: Samadoc the South Central Shire Strangler. Uh, Celebus the Celebdilian Assassin. Uh, seven singing dwarves from Disney. Uhhh... sixty-seven goblins from--
Biggesti: Let me thpeak to them, Thranduil!
Czar: Oh, no. Oh--
Thranduil: Ah-- good idea, Biggesti!
Biggesti: Thitizenth of the Green wood! We have Thamadoc the Thouth Thentral Thire Thtrangler, Thelebuth...
Crowd: (laughing)
Biggesti: ...the Thelebdilian Athhathhin, theven thinging dwarvth from Dithney and...
Crowd: (laughing hysterically)
Biggesti: Wath it thomething I thaid?
Crowd: (laughing)
Thranduil: Silence!
Elven Female: Huh huh huh huh huh!
Thranduil: This good and noble elf leads a cwack awchewy division!
Crowd: (laughing)
Thranduil: He wanks as high as any in Lothlowien!
Crowd: (laughing hysterically)
(Bilbo, wearing his magic ring, slips unseen into the raucous drunken crowd of wood elves as this exchange goes on for awhile)
Thranduil: All wight... I will give you one mowe chance. This time, I want to heaw no Wadagast's, no Wanugad's of Wohan, no Awagown the Wangew fwom Wivendell--
Biggesti: No Tharuman the Thage'th!
Thranduil: ...ow we shall welease no one!
Bilbo: (invisible) Release Thorin!
Elven Male: Oh, yeah. That's a good one.
Elven Female: Yeah.
Young Elven Male: Release Thorin!
Crowd: (laughing) Welease Thowin! Welease Thowin!
Thranduil: Vewy well. That's it.
Czar: We, uhhh... we have a Thorin, sire.
Thranduil: What?
Czar: You just sent him down to our deepest, darkest cell.
Thranduil: Uhhh... Wait! Ah-- wait! We do have a Thowin! Well, go and wepwieve him, stwaight away.
Czar: Yes, my king.
Thranduil: Vewy well! I shall... welease... Thowin!