Narrator: While the harvest festival of the wood elves continues outside the palace of King Thranduil, a few unlucky elves on prison duty process the recent rush of captives.

Galion: Next.
Balin: Balin son of Fundin.
Galion: Imprisonment?
Balin: Yes.
Galion: Good. Out of the door. Hall on the left. One cell each. Next.
Loretta: Loretta.
Galion: Imprisonment?
Loretta: Yes.
Galion: Good. Out of the door. Hall on the left. One cell each. Next.
Kadh: Kadh Qohelethson.
Galion: Imprisonment?
Kadh: Humph, no. Freedom.
Jailer: Hmm?
Galion: What?
Kadh: Freedom for me. They said I was entirely justified in pillaging that village, so I could go free and join the corsairs of Umbar or something.
Galion: Oh-- oh, that's good news. Well... off you go, then.
Kadh: Naaah, you pointy-eared k'pekt, I'm only pulling your leg! It's imprisonment, really.
Galion: Oh, ho-ho.
Kadh: Heh heh.
Galion: I see. Uhhh... very good, very good. Well, out of the door. One--
Kadh: Yeah. I know the way. Out of the door.
Galion: Hall on--
Kadh: One cell each. Hall on the left.
Galion: Hall on the left.
Kadh: Heh heh.
Galion: Yes. Thank you. Next.
Fili: Fili son of Dis.
Galion: Imprisonment?
Fili: Yes.
Galion: Good. Out of the door. Hall on the left. One cell each. Jailer?
Thorin: Excuse me. There's been some sort of mistake.
Galion: Just a moment, would you? Jailer, how many have come through?
Jailer: What?
Galion: Uh, how many have come through?
Jailer: What?
Jailer's Assistant: Uh, y-- y-- y-- you'll have to s-- speak-- s-- spe-- s-- p-- peak-- speak up a bit. He's-- he's d-- he's d-- he's d-- he's d--
Galion: Ahhh...
Jailer's Assistant: Oh, he's-- he's--
[WHAP]
Jailer's Assistant: He's deaf as-- dea-- deaf as a p-- p-- post.
Galion: (shouting) Uhh-- how many have come through?!
Jailer: Hee-hee hee hee-hee hee-hee hee hee.
Galion: Oh, confound it.
Jailer: Hee-huh.
Jailer's Assistant: I make it twenty-fff--
Galion: Ah.
Jailer's Assistant: twenty-fff-- twenty-fffff-- twenty-six.
Galion: Oh. It's such a senseless waste of storage space, isn't it?
Jailer's Assistant: N-- n-- n-- n-- no. N-- not-- not with the harvest celebration clearing out the larders. Lot's of room n-- n-- now. Imprisonment is too good for this lot, though... you ask me.
Galion: I don't think you can say it's too good for them. It's-- it's very distressing.
Jailer's Assistant: Well, it's not as d-- d-- di-- d-- dis-- n-- no-- no-- not as d-- distressing as something I just thought up.
Galion: No?
Bilbo: (invisible) Like sticking them in barrels.
Jailer: Hmmm?
Galion: Now, ummm-- imprisonment.
Thorin: Is there someone I can speak to?
Galion: Well--
Jailer: I know where to get them, if you want them.
Galion: What?
Bilbo: (invisible) Barrels.
Jailer's Assistant: Uh, d-- don-- don't worry about hi-- him. He's de-- he's de--
[WHAP]
Jailer's Assistant: He's de-- de-- de-- he's deaf and m-- ma-- m-- mad.
Galion: How did he get the job?
Jailer's Assistant: He's ruddy Thranduil's pet, I suppose.
Jailer: Heh heh.
Kadh: Get a move on, dwarves! There are people waiting to be imprisoned here. Ha-ha ha ha-hah!
Thorin: Could I see a lawyer or someone?
Galion: Ummm... do-- do you have a lawyer?
Thorin: No, but I am dwarven royalty.
Kadh: How about a re-trial? We've got nothing but time.
Thorin: Shut up, you!
Kadh: Miserable, cranky dwarven ko'tal. No sense of humor.
Galion: I'm sorry, but we are in a bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out? Hall on the left. One cell each--
(King Thranduil's son, Legolas, approaches to find out what is causing the delay in processing the prisoners)
Legolas: Get a move on, there!
Kadh: Or what?
Legolas: Or you will answer for your lack of cooperation.
Kadh: You mean I might have to give up being locked away for life? You tree-hugging p'tahk don't believe in killing your captives.
Legolas: Be silent!
Kadh: That would be a blow, wouldn't it? I might get fat if I go and give up my bread and water diet.
(Legolas shuts the small heavy oak door himself as Kadh, the last of the day's prisoners, is put in his cell)
Czar: (hurrying into the prison block) Where have they gone?!
Jailer: We've-- we've got loads of barrels down by the water gate.
Czar: What?
Jailer's Assistant: Oh, don't worry about him. He's ma-- he's m-- he's ma-- he-- he-- he's m-- m-- m-- he's m-- he's m--
[CLOP]
Jailer's Assistant: He's mad.
Czar: Have they been locked away?!
Jailer's Assistant: Oh, ye-- nnnnn-- Ay, n-- na--
Jailer: Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.
Jailer's Assistant: Na-- na--
Jailer: Heh-hehh. Heh heh...
Jailer's Assistant: Na-- na-- na-- na-- n--
Czar: Oh, come on!
Jailer's Assistant: N-- nnnyes.
(frustrated, Czar goes over to where Legolas has wandered to on the other side of the block of cells)
Jailer's Assistant: Eh, huh. Anyway, get on with the story.
Jailer: Well... I knew she never really liked Biggesti, so we started to kiss--
Dwalin: Bloody elves!
Czar: Watch it! There are cells lower down than these that we can put you in.
Legolas: Hail, Czar Mohab!
Czar: Hail, Legolas Greenleaf!
Legolas: What brings you to this dreary place?
Czar: The king's orders, my prince.
Legolas: What are my noble father's wishes?
Kadh: Hey! Whiny dwarf that is stuck in the cell next to mine. Not so bad for a prison, eh? You being rescued soon, by any chance?
Thorin: It's a bit late for that now, isn't it?
Kadh: Oh-- now, now. We've got nothing but time down here. Plenty of chances to escape. Lots of people get rescued from this place.
Thorin: Ohh?
Kadh: Oh, yeah. My blood brother La'ra usually rescues me... if he can keep off the tail for more than twenty minutes. Huh.
Thorin: Ahhh?
Kadh: Randy bugger... up and down like the fortunes of Gondor. Heh heh heh--
Bilbo: (invisible) Psst-- Thorin!
Thorin: Burglar Bilbo-- Thank Aule's hammer you've come!
Bilbo: (invisible) Ahh, yes. I believe I have a plan for getting you all out of here. There are several empty barrels near a lightly guarded water gate.
Thorin: What?
Bilbo: (invisible) The idea is to get all of you in the barrels and then float our way to freedom once all these elves are good and drunk on their autumn wine.
(pause)
Kadh: Sounds reasonable to me.
Thorin: Are you out of your pipeweed-addled mind?!
Bilbo: (invisible) Uhhh--
Thorin: Why don't you just drown us in our water bowls and make a quicker end of it?!
Czar: We are to release Thorin son of Thrain in accordance with our harvest celebration tradition.
Legolas: As my father commands, so it shall be done. I shall see to it personally!
Czar: Thank you, my prince. I shall return to the celebration to attend your father, then.
Thorin: You dolt! You brainless halfling!
Legolas: (shouting) Where is Thorin son of Thrain?!
Thorin: You would have us bruised and battered to pieces--
Legolas: I have an order for his welease-- I mean, release!
Thorin: Just to drown us in the end for our troubles!
Kadh: Uhhh... I'm Thorin son of Thrain.
Thorin: What?!
Kadh: Yeah, I-- I'm Thorin son of Thrain.
Legolas: Release him!
Thorin: I am Thorin son of Thrain!
Celebus: Eh, I'm Thorin!
Gloin: I'm Thorin!
Samadoc: Look, I'm Thorin!
Thorin: I am the Thorin!
Prisoners: (shouting) I'm Thorin!
Kili: I'm Thorin, and so is my brother!
Prisoners: (shouting) I'm Thorin! I'm Thorin!
Thorin: I am Thorin son of Thrain!
Legolas: All right. Take that one away and release him.
Kadh: (being dragged out) No, I'm only joking. I'm not really Thorin. No, I'm not Thorin. Do I even look like a dwarf?! I was only--
Jailer's Assistant: C-- c-- come along now, eh?!
Kadh: (still being dragged) Stupid baktags, it was a joke. I'm only pulling your leg! It's a joke! I'm not him! Qu'vath guy'cha v'aka-- put me back! Blasted wood elves-- can't take a joke!
(the excitement in the prison eventually dies down)
Thorin: So... barrels out of bondage, you say?
Bilbo: (invisible) Yes. Barrels.