[special documentary music]
(zoom to a presenter in a fancy comfy chair behind a desk located on the side of a mountain)
Kieran Forester: Hello and welcome to this special edition of Rings of Power. We are coming to you today from the west face of the lonely mountain, Erebor, where thirteen dwarves and a hobbit have turned up to assail a dragon's lair on this very pleasant autumn day. Four days journey north from the Lake-town of Esgaroth have brought them here to establish a base camp between the western spurs of the mountain and-- here they come! From here we can see the companions scouting the west face of Erebor with Bilbo and Balin in the lead. Bilbo looks confident... he looks relaxed, very much the hobbit in form as he consults Thorin's map. Yes, it looks like he has found traces of a narrow track, often lost... often rediscovered, and he's off! There they go in single file now, the narrow ledges are indeed a bit treacherous there, and finally they have come to it. It appears to be a small steep-walled open grassy bay with a perfectly smooth flat wall at it's inner end. Yes, the excitement is obvious as they know they have found the secret entrance! The dwarves are thrusting and pushing at the wall-- the picks have come out and they are really giving it a beating... apparently to no effect. A quick huddle there, and now they are using every spell of opening they can think of. Oh dear, what a disappointing turn of events as they have been reduced to begging and pleading with the mountain to let them in! But Bilbo is in motion again, he appears to have a plan... ummm, yes-- he is sitting down and staring off into the west... perhaps even daydreaming of his cozy hobbit hole on the other side of the Misty Mountains so very far away, Guv Ronjar.
Guv Ronjar: Well, this is true to form with secret dwarven doors, so no surprises there. Even a well marked and obvious door of this type can thwart the mightiest of wizards without the proper key or passphrase. With these sorts of precautions, it must be no small frustration to dwarves that, regardless, their cities and strongholds somehow continue to be invaded by orcs, dragons, and, rumor has it, pamphlet pushing religious zealots... like the ones that wake me up by banging on my ruddy door every bloody morning when I think I might actually get a chance to sleep in, but noooooo... those evil mean bast--
Kieran Forester: Whoa! I’m sorry to interrupt you there, Ronjar, but we have some activity in progress at the dwarven base camp. Bombur appears to be about to get up from a nap he has been having and finally play a decisive role in this quest! He is definitely stirring-- rolling over now. Yes, this could be it! Oh dear... he has started snoring again.
Guv Ronjar: It's like reading the Silmarillion all over--
Kieran Forester: But, back on the doorstep, it appears the hobbit may have an idea... could he be about to use his magic ring, unbeknownst to him but certainly "knownst" to us as the One Ring, to somehow gain access to Erebor?!
Guv Ronjar: Ring of Power usage is why we are here on the west face of the lonely mountain reporting these updates!
Kieran Forester: No, I'm sorry. He is just absently watching snails crawl on a large grey rock.
Guv Ronjar: I can understand that a healthy dose of caution on the part of the companions is more than warranted--
Kieran Forester: They wouldn't want a repeat of the sort of events that led to the devastating dwarven "victory" at the Battle of Azanulbizar by going in the front door, for instance.
Guv Ronjar: ...yet this is enough to make a drowsy ent seem like a sugar-high caffeinated ferret by comparison!
Kieran Forester: Wait a moment... Bilbo has been watching a bird, it appears to be an extroaordinarly large thrush, cracking snails against the rock I just mentioned. Yes, the wheels are definitely turning by the look on this hobbit's face and now he has pulled out a copy of Poor Radagast's Almanac, Wilderland Edition. Hold on-- he is up on his furry feet now! Bilbo is looking at the bird... looking at the setting sun... looking at the area where the secret door should be... back at the setting sun... checking the almanac... counting on his fingers now... YES! He is yelling for the dwarves! The nearby dwarves are going wild now and the search is on for Thorin who still has the key-- they found him!
Guv Ronjar: Rotten timing for Thorin, there, as he picked the worst possible moment to answer a call of nature!
Kieran Forester: Just as the final glimpse of retreating sunlight on this lovely first day of the last new moon of autumn falls across the grey rock and illuminates the keyhole in the secret door, Thorin has arrived with his key-- THEY HAVE THE DOOR OPEN! We can only hope that someone goes back to retrieve Thorin's pants later, but for now the companions are giddy with accomplishment as they push their way into the tunnel.
Guv Ronjar: Meanwhile, back at base camp, I can confidently report that Bombur is still snoring.
Kieran Forester: The dwarves have gathered to plan the next phase of the quest now that they are finally in the secret tunnel and have Smaug at the other end to contend directly with. It seems that Bilbo has been elected to scout ahead... he really should have seen that one coming. The hobbit now has the One Ring out of his pocket as he heads down into the darkness... we now have confirmed use of a Ring of Power here at the lonely mountain as Bilbo Baggins becomes invisible to the mortal world! We take you now to join in the action currently in progress.

Thorin: Right. Now, uh-- item four. Attainment of Middle-earth supremacy within the next five years. Ummm... Dwalin, you've been doing some work on this.
Dwalin: Yes. Thank you, Thorin. Well, quite frankly, I think five years is optimistic... unless we can slay Smaug within the next twelve minutes.
Thorin: Twelve minutes?!
Dwalin: Yes, twelve minutes. And, let's face it... as dragons go, he is the big one. So, we've got to get up off our dwarven arses and stop just talking about it!
Dwarves: Hear! Hear!
Loretta: I agree. It's action that counts, not words, and we need action now.
Dwarves: Hear! Hear!
Thorin: You are right, of course. We could sit around all day talking, passing resolutions, and making clever speeches. It's not going to shift one gold coin out from under his dastardly reptilian behind!
Dwalin: So, let's just stop gabbing on about it. It's completely pointless and it's getting us nowhere!
Dwarves: Right!
Loretta: I agree. This is a complete waste of time.
(Bilbo returns with a gold cup from a quick scouting mission down the secret tunnel)
Bilbo: The dragon sleeps!
Thorin: What?
Dwarves: What?
Bilbo: Smaug is sound asleep! Plus, he has a large unprotected patch in the hollow of his left breast as bare as a snail out of its shell... you could take him by surprise and finish him off right now!
Thorin: Right! This calls for immediate discussion!
Dori: Yes.
Bilbo: What?!
Gloin: Immediate.
Fili: Right.
Loretta: New motion?
Thorin: Completely new motion. That, ah-- that there be, ummm... immediate action--
Dwalin: Once the vote has been taken.
Thorin: Well, obviously once the vote's been taken. You can't act another resolution till you've voted on it...
Bilbo: Thorin-- for goodness sake, GO NOW!
Thorin: Yes, yes.
Bilbo: Honestly!
Thorin: Right, right.
Dwalin: Fine.
Thorin: In the-- in the light of fresh information from, ahhh... burglar Baggins--
Loretta: Ah-- not so fast, the previous resolution still--
Bilbo: Thorin! This is perfectly simple... all you lot have got to do is to go down this tunnel right now, grab your choice of the hundreds of weapons laying around down there, and stab the ruddy huge slumbering worm in it's one weak spot. Revenge is yours for the taking, Thorin. Right here and right now you can liberate your kingdom and avenge your grandfather!
Thorin: Hmmm... hmmm...
Bilbo: Can't you understand?! Ohhh!
(Bilbo stomps off in disgust back down the tunnel)
Dwalin: Oh, my.
Thorin: I don't want to mention any names, but someone who's name is 5 letters long and starts with a "B" has been getting rather uppity of late!
Balin: What?
Bifur: What?!
Dwalin: (whistling)
Thorin: Oh-- sorry... Bifur, Balin, and Bofur--
Loretta: Loretta.
Thorin: Ahhh... right. Read that back, would you?

Kieran Forester: We interrupt this scene to take you straight to the Great Hall of Thror for the latest news regarding the Ring of Power in use here at the lonely mountain.
[ROAR!]
Guv Ronjar: Well... the deafening noise you hear is courtesy of the now wide awake and very irate dragon in residence, Smaug the Golden. Though using the One Ring clearly is the only reason Bilbo Baggins is still alive at this very moment, he did come off rather on the worse end of a riddle-speak match with the wily worm. You can rest assured that this is one hobbit who will never again laugh at a live dragon!
(a large thrush in the background flies past Guv Ronjar)
Guv Ronjar: With the hobbit and dwarves trapped in the secret tunnel, yet just tantalizingly out of Smaug's vengeful reach, we can only guess where the dragon--
[ROAR!!!]
Guv Ronjar: ...will seek to vent his formidable anger. Guv Ronjar, Rings of Power special edition, reporting from Erebor.