Narrator: Meanwhile, the people of Lake-town are mostly indoors as a sudden cold breeze has made for a chilly evening. Only one of the few token guards on duty is truly vigilant.
[Opera Music Starts]
Bärd the Bowman: Be very quiet... I'm watching for the dragon.
(a red glow appears to the north near the lonely mountain and begins growing larger as it heads south)
[Dramatic Music]
Bärd the Bowman: The dragon comes!!!
(surprised faces appear in a few windows to see what the fuss is about)
Bärd the Bowman: Cut the bridges, cut the bridges, cut the bridges!
(scrambling, the guards run for their posts)
Bärd the Bowman: Yo ho-- to arms! Yo ho-- to arms! Yo ho--
[Warning Horns Sound]
Andrømëdå: O' mighty warrior from the royal line of Dale. Might I enquire to ask, ummm... what the hell?!
Bärd the Bowman: I'm going to kill the dragon!
[Battle Music]
Andrømëdå: O' mighty warrior, it will be quite a task. How will you slay him, might I enquire to ask?
[Warning Horns Sound Again]
Bärd the Bowman: I will do it with my bow and magic arrow!
Andrømëdå: Your bow and magic arrow?
Bärd the Bowman: Bow and magic arrow!
Andrømëdå: Magic arrow?
Bärd the Bowman: Magic arrow!
Andrømëdå: (looking at the tag on the black arrow) Magic "+6 vs dragon" arrow?!
Bärd the Bowman: Yes, magic arrow... and I have always recovered it!
(roaring his frustration in failing to take the town by surprise, Smaug passes in rage overhead)
Andrømëdå: I will go get dressed to be of aid you!
Bärd the Bowman: No-- you must get to safety!
(fire fills the sky as the dragon attacks, diving and circling in furious anger)
Bärd the Bowman: Stand your ground and fire to the last arrow, men!
(arrows and darts bounce off Smaug with little effect other than to further enrage the great worm)
Bärd the Bowman: (shouting) Andrømëdå?!
(Andrømëdå suddenly reappears dressed in a +3 chainmail bikini... and little else!)
[Romance Music]
Bärd the Bowman: Oh-- Andrømëdå, you're so lovely!
Andrømëdå: Yes, I know it... I can't help it.
Bärd the Bowman: Oh-- Rømmë, be my love!
[Ballet Music]
(Bärd and Andrømëdå dance obliviously as Smaug continues to attack all around them)
[Romance Music (Reprise)]
Bärd the Bowman: Schlip-a-schlap, my love... a longing burns deep inside me.
Andrømëdå: Schlip-a-schlap, my love... I want you always beside me.
Bärd the Bowman: A love like ours must be--
Andrømëdå: To schlap you and schlip me.
Bärd and Andrømëdå: Schlip-a-schlap... won't you Schlip-a-schlap-a-vay, for my love is yours!
(a low pass by the dragon interrupts this tender moment as a house bursts into flame and part of a collapsing wall knocks Andrømëdå unconscious)
[Battle Music (Reprise)]
Bärd the Bowman: (enraged) I will KILL the dragon!!!
(climbing voraciously to gain altitude, the dragon whirls around for another assault)
Bärd the Bowman: Arise men!
(the scattered archers of Lake-town rally around Bärd)
Bärd the Bowman: North division fire! South division fire!
(a storm of projectiles arc into the sky)
Bärd the Bowman: Spears, arrows, darts for-- SMAUG!
(a large thrush lands on Bärd's shoulder... after a moment, Bärd nods in understanding and the bird flies away)
[TWANG]
(fiercely, the arrow leaps from Bärd's great bow of yew)
Bärd the Bowman: Fly black arrow! Strike the dragon!
(straight and true flies Smaug's doom as the arrow strikes his one unprotected spot)
Smaug: (roaring) Ack-- mein lieben!!!
[CRASH]
[SLAM]
[THUD]
[WHAM]
(landing fully on the town in his death throws, the mighty Smaug the Golden and the silly fish schlapping place once called Esgaroth are no more)
[Sad Romance Music]
(Bärd pulls Andrømëdå from the wreckage of the ruined and burning Lake-town)
Bärd the Bowman: What have I done?! I have killed the dragon and lost my love...
[Sad Romance Music (Reprise)]
Bärd the Bowman: Poor sweet Rømmë, poor sweet Rømmë...
(Bärd carries Andrømëdå to the lake shore in his arms)
Andrømëdå: (groggily) Well, perhaps a chainmail bikini isn't as practical as one would think...