Scene 5: Burn the Hydran!

Monks of the Church of Taldren: [chanting while play testing]
Pie Iesu domine, dona eis requiem.
[bonk into bug]
Pie Iesu domine,...
[bonk into bug]
...dona eis requiem.
[bonk into bug]
Pie Iesu domine,...
[bonk into bug]
...dona eis requiem.
Forum Members: A Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran!
Monks of the Church of Taldren: [chanting while play testing]
[bonk into bug]
Pie Iesu domine...
Forum Members: A Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran! We've found a Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran! We've got a Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! We've found a Hydran! We've found a Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran!
S'Tasik: We have found a Hydran. May we burn him?

Forum Members: Burn him! Burn! Burn him! Burn him!
762: How do you know he is a Hydran?
Kieran Forester: He looks like one.
Forum Members: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
762: Bring him forward.
Hobbes: I'm not a Hydran. I'm not a Hydran.
762: Uh, but you are dressed as one.

Hobbes: They dressed me up like this.
Forum Members: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
Hobbes: And I don't have three eyes. This middle one is a false one.
762: Well?
S'Tasik: Well, we did do the eye.
762: The eye?
S'Tasik: And the leg, but he is a Hydran!
Kieran Forester: Yeah!
Forum Members: We burn him! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
762: Did you dress him up like this?
S'Tasik: No!
Kieran Forester and Ggruuk: No. No.
Kieran Forester: No.
S'Tasik: No.
Kieran Forester and Ggruuk: No.
S'Tasik: Yes.
Kieran Forester: Yes.
S'Tasik: Yes. Yeah, a bit.
Ggruuk: A bit.
S'Tasik and Kieran Forester: A bit.
Ggruuk: A bit.
S'Tasik: He has got tough leathery skin.
Random: [cough]
762: What makes you think he is a Hydran?
Ggruuk: Well, he killed me with an overloaded Hellbore.
762: A Hellbore?
Ggruuk: I got better.
Kieran Forester: Burn him anyway!
S'Tasik: Burn!
Forum Members: Burn him! Burn! Burn him!...
762: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether he is a Hydran.
S'Tasik: Are there?
Kieran Forester: Ah?
S'Tasik: What are they?
Forum Members: Tell us! Tell us!...
762: Tell me. What do you do with Hydrans?
Ggruuk: Over-run him with an ESG!
S'Tasik: Blast him with drone waves!
762: Good, good... And what does the Hydran do when that happens?
Kieran Forester: Burn!
S'Tasik: Burn!
Forum Members: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...
762: And what do you burn apart from Hydrans?
S'Tasik: More Hydrans!
Ggruuk: Shh!
Kieran Forester: Wood!
762: So, why do Hydrans burn?
[pause]
Ggruuk: B--... 'cause they're made of... wood?
762: Good! Heh heh.
Forum Members: Oh, yeah. Oh.
762: So, how do we tell whether he is made of wood?
S'Tasik: Build a bridge out of him.
762: Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
S'Tasik: Oh, yeah.
Random: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh...
762: Does wood sink in water?
S'Tasik: No. No.
Kieran Forester: No, it floats! It floats!
S'Tasik: Throw him into the pond!
Forum Members: The pond! Throw him into the pond!
762: What also floats in water?
S'Tasik: An ESG!
Kieran Forester: Magic photons!
Ggruuk: Uh, very small asteroids!
S'Tasik: Mines!
Kieran Forester: Uh, pla-- plasma!
S'Tasik: Fighters!
Kieran Forester: Mirak!
Ggruuk: Uh, slow drones! slow drones!
Kieran Forester: Deuterium! Deuterium!
Frey: A duck!
Forum Members: Oooh.
762: Exactly. So, logically...
S'Tasik: If... he... weighs... the same as a duck,... he's made of wood.
762: And therefore?
Kieran Forester: A Hydran!
S'Tasik: A Hydran!
Forum Members: A Hydran! A Hydran!...
theSea: Here is a duck. Use this duck.
[quack quack quack]
762: Very good. We shall use my largest scales.
Forum Members: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the Hydran! Burn the Hydran! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Ahh! Ahh...
762: Right. Remove the supports!
[whop]
[clunk]
[creak]

Forum Members: A Hydran! A Hydran! A Hydran!
Hobbes: It's a fair cop.
Ggruuk: Burn him!
Forum Members: Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn! Burn!...
762: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
Frey: I am Frey, Admiral of the XenoCorpians.
762: Admiral!
Frey: Good Captain, will you come with me to XenoCorp and join the XC Crew?
762: Admiral! I would be honored.
Frey: What is your name?
762: '762', my Admiral.
Frey: Then I dub you 'Sr. Captain 762, Knight of XenoCorp'.

Back XC & The Holy Grail of Balance Next

Please contact Hstaphath with any comments, suggestions, questions or bribe money you may have

Back to the XC Bard's Corner