Narrator: After a tense exchange of words at the now fortified entrance of Erebor, Thorin breaks the latest news to the rest of his companions.

Thorin: It is war. I have presented King Thranduil and King Bärd our perfectly reasonable demands that the elves depart immediately from our front door and that the humans put away their weapons if they have business with us. They, in turn, relayed their demands and there is absolutely no hope of reaching an accord. Any questions?
Gloin: What exactly are their demands?
Thorin: They want one twelfth portion of the treasure in compensation for slaying the dragon as well as for damages caused by Smaug and, now, a written apology from me for implying that there is something wrong with the way the king of the wood elves speaks. Until that is delivered, we are to consider ourselves besieged.
Bilbo: Besieged?
Balin: Cut off from the rest of the world and left to starve.
Thorin: Little do they realize that I have sent messenger ravens to our kin in the mountains of the north. A dwarven army led by my cousin Dain Ironfoot should arrive at any time now from the Iron Hills.
Dwalin: Of course, we must point out that they bear full responsibility when Dain's forces attack them.
Thorin: I told them that they must do exactly as we say or else. We shall not submit to blackmail!
Dwarves: No blackmail!
Bilbo: Can't I just give them my share to avoid any complications?
Thorin: You don't understand the principle of the matter. This is war!
Bilbo: There simply must be a way we can work this out--
Thorin: The humans wanting a share I can nearly understand, but why the elves feel entitled is beyond me! They would bleed us white. They would take what we have recovered after many grievous hardships... that which we have inherited by right from our fathers and from our fathers' fathers.
Loretta: And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
Thorin: Yes.
Loretta: And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers!
Thorin: Yes-- all right, Loretta, don't labor the point... and what have the elves ever given us?!
Gloin: Medicine?
Thorin: What?
Gloin: You know... medical lore.
Thorin: Oh. Yes, okay... they did give us that. Uh-- that's true. Yes.
Nori: And the runic alphabet.
Loretta: Oh, yeah, the runic alphabet, Thorin. Remember what they say Khuzdul used to be like before the runic alphabet?
Thorin: Yes. All right. I'll grant you that medicine and the runic alphabet are two things that the elves have done.
Bifur: And ringcraft.
Thorin: Well, yes... obviously ringcraft. I'm sure the verdict is still out on whether that counts for or against them, though.
Bifur: Would you give up a Ring of Power if you had one?
Thorin: True enough. But, apart from medical lore, the runic alphabet, and ringcraft--
Fili: Botany and ecology.
Gloin: Archery.
Dwarves: Huh? Heh? Huh...
Balin: Epic poetry.
Dwarves: Ohh...
Thorin: Yes, yes. All right. Fair enough.
Bombur: And wine.
Dwarves: Oh, yes. Yeah...
Dwalin: Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Thorin, if there hadn't been elves.
Bombur: Particularly a nice Chardonnay when having fish.
Oin: Or lembas.
Kili: And the elves are the only reason it is safe to venture in many parts of Middle-earth these days.
Dwalin: Yeah, they certainly know how to kill orcs and goblins.
Thorin: All right... but, apart from the runic alphabet, medicine, poetry, wine, archery, ringcraft, botony, ecology, and the killing of our common foes, what have the elves ever done for us?!
Dwarves: Yeah!

Narrator: With the sounding of horns and the beating of drums the dwarven army arrives and prepares to force their way through the armies of men and elves to reach the mountain. Just as the first arrows are being fired, Gandalf the Grey suddenly appears in the middle of the battlefield and, in a voice that echoes through the vale, summons the leaders of the soon to be combatant armies to meet him to parlay.

Gandalf: Thank you all for coming. Today is indeed a unique occasion in the history of Middle-earth and we need to go about this properly. I feel very privileged and deeply honored to introduce such famed personages. Let me start with Dain Ironfoot, King of the Iron Hills, and cousin of Thorin.
(Dain, suspicious, nods slightly to the other leaders)
Gandalf: Thranduil, known to all as the King of Northern Mirkwood-- or of the Greenwood, if you prefer.
(Thranduil nods with a smile)
Gandalf: Bärd the Bowman, King of Dale, soon to be restored.
(Bärd gives a half bow to the others as Thorin arrives nearly out of breath)
Thorin: What is all this then?!
Gandalf: Excellent timing-- And this, of course, is Thorin Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain.
(Thorin impatiently nods to the others as Gandalf pulls a card from out of his robes)
Gandalf: And the first question is for you, Dain. The Hammers... the Hammers is the nickname of what hobbit football team? The Hammers?
(Dain is completely bewildered by this question and obviously doesn't have a clue)
Gandalf: No? Well... bad luck there, Dain. It is the nickname of the Hobbiton team. So we'll go on to you, Thranduil. Bywater last won the Shire Cup in what year?
(Thranduil looks as dumbfounded as Dain)
Gandalf: No? I'll throw it open. Bywater last won the Shire Cup in what year?
(they all look blankly at the possibly insane wizard)
Gandalf: Well, I'm not surprised you didn't get that. It was, in fact, a trick question. Bywater has never won the Shire Cup. So, with the scores all equal, now we go on to our second round. Bärd, it's your starter for ten.
Bärd: Okay...
Gandalf: Arwen Evenstar won the Rivendell Song Contest in 2857. What was the name of the song? Arwen Evenstar's song in the 2857 Rivendell Song Contest? Anybody?
(King Thranduil hesitantly raises his hand)
Gandalf: Yes, Thranduil?
Thranduil: I'm bwinging sexy back?
Gandalf: Yes-- it was indeed! Well challenged.
(smattering of applause)
Gandalf: Well, now we come to our special lightning round. The contestant is Thorin Oakenshield and the prize is the Arkenstone of Thrain which was recently recovered from his treasure horde by that most esteemed of hobbits, Bilbo Baggins.
Thorin: What?! That miserable blasted burglar-- that is mine!
(Gandalf throws open a wooden chest revealing a large marvelous stone... it looks as if a diamond globe has been filled with moonlight and the frosty glints of distant stars)
Gandalf: Now Thorin, to reclaim this most prized possession of your family fortune, you must answer the following three questions correctly. Are you nervous?
(Thorin, still stunned by this turn of events, barely nods)
Gandalf: How large are the armies of men and elves arrayed against you?
Thorin: Ummm... the humans have just over 1000 troops since being reinforced by at least two clans of allied northerners with about 250 armed with long bows, 250 with spears, and 500 with swords. The elves seem to have brought about 1500 warriors who are nearly evenly divided between arrow chuckers and spears.
Gandalf: Excellent, yes... that is entirely correct. You're on your way to reclaiming the Arkenstone. Question number two. How large are the dwarven forces that you and Dain command? How large?
Thorin: Over 500 veteran heavy infantry with warhammers and swords.
Gandalf: Yes, yes! One final question and the wonderous Arkenstone will be yours... are you going to have a go?
(Thorin nods that he is ready)
Gandalf: Thorin, your final question... who won the Shire Cup in 2849?
Thorin: Wha-- I don't know that!
Gandalf: A pity... it was, in fact, the Buckland Blackbirds who beat Nobottle 3-1.
Thorin: This is outrageous--
Gandalf: Not to fret, because I have one final bonus question that will resolve everything.
Thorin: Then, by all means, please ask it!
Gandalf: Okay, the final winner takes all question. Since I have successfully managed to stall you idiots from fighting each other just long enough... exactly what are the chances of your combined force of three thousand holding out against the over seven thousand goblins, wolves, and wargs that are just now coming around the bend of the Running River to kill you all?
(dramatic pause)
Dain: My brothers... we are so flûk'd.
Gandalf: Quite right.